Humor - Common pregnancy related questions

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q.. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

You Know You're A Mom When...

o Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor... and you don't care.

o The kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

o You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

o Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

o Popsicles become a food staple.

o Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

o You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

o You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

o Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

o You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

o You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

o You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

o You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

o Your kid throws up and you catch it.

o You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.

o You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

o You're up each night until 11pm vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of child-birth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."