Joke: Magician in the family

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school teacher.
"He's a magician, ma'am," said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" asked the teacher.

"He saws people in half," answered Little Johnny.

"Wow! That must be amazing to watch," said the teacher.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

And Little Johnny said, "One half brother and two half sisters."

Joke: The potion that makes a person younger

A man and his wife receive a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:

My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don't know when I'm coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: "Please take only one drop"
NOTE: "Please take only one drop"

So they open the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion..
The husband looks at the wife and says: "You go first."

So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.

A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.

The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
"Your father, my child, got so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle."
"So where is he?"

"Oh, that's him I have on my back."

A million dollars and the genie

Once upon a time, Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole.

"Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks. And the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard! Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

The magician is annoyed

With the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big-top. He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent.

"Where's the magic show?", he breathlessly asks one employee.

The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back to see the show.

He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave.

"I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the magician.

"Sorry pal, come back tomorrow I'm going home." replies The Amazing Jonas.

"Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show and that's what I expect!" Visually annoyed, the magician tells him, "Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and see my wife and kids."

With that, the customer becomes more irate and DEMANDS that he be shown at least one magic trick. "Okay, you want to see a magic trick?!", Jonas asks. "Pull down your pants." The man looks skeptical but does as he's told.

"Now bend over and grab your ankles."

As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man flinches. "There," asks the magician. "Can you feel my finger in your ass?" The man winces and replies, "Yeah."

The magician holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his fingers in front of his face and shouts, "Ta-Dah."

Genie and lady's wishes

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope,sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a SIGH and said, "Let me see the fucking map again."

Joke

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits down, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Joke

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... two days... and then three days. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "Okay, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"