Humor: Some quotes from the airline industry

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some supposedly "real" examples that have been heard or reported:

As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the passengers waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced
on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and
complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA

Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults
acting like children."

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them is on this flight!"

Humour: Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back .... we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh

12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...

13. Get the parachutes ready...

14. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...

15. Hey capt'n take another hit man...

Joke: Nun and her flight

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting
for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight
machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a
try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card
that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lb. and you are going to Chicago,
Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it
probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that
read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois
and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know
that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my
life," She sat
down again. From no where, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case
down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing
beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said,
"This is incredible. I've got to try it again,"

Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It
said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois
and you're going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong;
"I've never broke wind in public a day in my life! "Well, she tripped, fell
off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself,
"This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It
said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around
and missed your flight to Chicago.