Joke: Questions a man asked his Sunday School class:

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get
me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me
into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that
get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Humor: Out the mouths of men.....

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Humor: Money and how to be right

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window: "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager thoughtfully."And you're saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time?"

· Lesson Learnt - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.

Humor: What to Do When Riding a Dead Horse?

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

· Buying a stronger whip.

· Changing riders.

· Threatening the horse with termination.

· Appointing a committee to study the horse.

· Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

· Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

· Appointing an intervention team to re-animate the dead horse.

· Creating a training session to increase the rider's load share.

· Re-classifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

· Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."

· Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

· Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

· Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its original cost.

· Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

· Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.

· Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.

· Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.

· Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.

· Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Funny: Some jokes

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

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One afternoon my wife April rushed out of the house, forgetting her keys, and found herself locked out. There was nothing she could do but wait for me to come home.

She saw a neighbor who was outside raking leaves. "You locked yourself out?" he asked.

"Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck."

"So... what's the problem?"

"I took the plants in for the winter."

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School:A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance:A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich..

Nurse:A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage:It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Tears:The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture:An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference:The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary:A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room:A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father:A banker provided by nature.

Boss:Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic:Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.:A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience:The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:An invention to end all inventions.

Funny: Some jokes

The two snooty women were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed in another room.

The daughter of the family was with the two women, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.

The child was about six years old. She was snub nosed, spotted with splotchy freckles, buck toothed, and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, "She's not very  p-r-e-t-t-y,  is she?"

Whereupon the child piped up, "Maybe not, but I'm very  s-m-a-r-t  and I can  s-p-e-l-l."

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A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of the Pope with his class. One student asked how they chose the new Pope.

The teacher explained the process, finishing with, "So the Cardinals pick him."

A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a baseball team pick the next Pope?"

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As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help
ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

Funny: Some jokes

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moooo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud....Wise.....Er."

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When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me...why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

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A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore.

Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, "I am only going to sunbathe."

The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato!

What? You mean to tell me you have you ever seen ...

a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?