Joke: The sharp policeman against the lawyer

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.

The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

Adult Joke - The old lady shot someone

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

DA: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

LOL: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front veranda, on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up and sat down beside me.

DA: Did you know him?

LOL: No, but he sure was friendly.

DA: What happened after he sat down?

LOL: He started to rub my thigh.

DA: Did you stop him?

LOL: No, I didn't stop him.

DA: Why not?

LOL: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband died some 30 years ago.

DA: What happened next?

LOL: He began to rub my breasts.

DA: Did you stop him then?

LOL: No, I did not stop him.

DA: Why not?

LOL: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

DA: What happened next?

LOL: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just lay down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

DA: Did he take you?

LOL: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"... And that's when I shot the little bastard!

Recipe: Hot-and-Sour Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: about 40 minutes

As taught to me many years ago by my good friend Peter Cheng, who made this daily for thirty years. All of the dried ingredients can be found in any Asian market and many supermarkets.

1 whole chicken breast, bone-in, about 1 lb, skin & excess fat removed
6 C chicken stock or water
5 dried lily buds, available at Asian markets
3 or 4 dried cloud ear or tree ear fungus, available at Asian markets
3 or 4 dried shiitake (sometimes labeled "black") mushrooms
½ lb soft or firm tofu, cut into ½-inch cubes
1 T soy sauce
2 T rice or white vinegar
½ t freshly ground black pepper, plus more to taste
Salt to taste
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 T cornstarch mixed with 2 T water (optional)
1 T dark sesame oil
Minced scallions for garnish
Tabasco or other bottled hot sauce or hot sesame oil

Place the chicken and the stock together in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to high. When the stock or water boils, reduce the heat to medium-low and partially cover. Cook for 20 minutes, or until the chicken is just cooked through. Meanwhile, soak the lily buds, fungus, and shiitakes in hot water to cover until soft, 10 to 15 minutes; if the water cools before the shiitakes soften, drain and add more hot water.
Remove the chicken and, as soon as it is cool enough to handle, strip the meat from the bones and chop it. Trim and shred the lily buds, trim and mince the fungus and mushrooms, and add all of this to the simmering broth. Return the chicken meat to the broth, along with the tofu, soy sauce, vinegar, and plenty of pepper---at least ½ teaspoon.
Taste and add more soy sauce, salt, pepper, and/or vinegar if necessary. Raise the heat a little bit and stir eggs into the soup, followed, if you like, by the cornstarch, which will thicken the already fairly thick mixture even more. Float the sesame oil on top of the soup, garnish, and serve, passing hot sauce or hot oil at the table.

Joke: A young man in a bar

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without
a torso, arms or legs.

The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes
his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then
to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where
a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says,

"That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Adult Joke - Stranger in the home

It was a stormy Christmas night, and inside the tiny cottage on the
Yorkshire moors, an elderly couple sat around a roaring fire.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. The old man answered it, and
found a very bedraggled man, exhausted and shivering.

"Thank God you're in," said the stranger. "I've been walking for
hours. I'm lost, and the snow is so deep. Can I rest here for a while?"

"Why certainly," replied the old man. "Come and sit by the fire."

The stranger gratefully accepted the invitation. As he walked in to
the lounge, he saw the old lady, and beside her an attractive
19-year-old blonde. "I'm Walter, by the way," said the old man. "This
is my wife Mary and my daughter Ida who's come to stay for Christmas."

After a glass of whiskey, the old man said, "Well, it's getting late,
and I suggest we all retire. I'm afraid that all the beds are taken,
but you're welcome to sleep on the sofa." The young man said, 'Thank
you' and lay down.

About an hour later, Walter was lying in bed, and turned to his wife,
and said, "It's a very cold night. I'll see if that young man would
like a blanket." So he went into the lounge, and asked, "Would you
like a blanket, young man?"

"Oh no, Walter I'm fine"

"Well, what about a hot water bottle?"

"No, no, there's really no need," he replied.

"Alright, then, how about having our eiderdown?"

"My God, you certainly know how to look after strangers," he gasped.
"She's been down twice already."

Christmas humour: When you don't get a gift you like

Top 10 things to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:

10) Hey! There's a gift.

9.) Well, well, well...

8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts
to charity.

1.) I really don't deserve this.

Medical Humour

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to
the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and
asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer.

The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of
pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw.

The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."