Joke; A teacher in heaven

A teacher dies and goes to Heaven. When she gets there she meets Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

Peter says to her, "Welcome to Heaven. Let me give you an orientation first." So Peter takes her to some beautiful houses.

The teacher asks, "Who lives here in these beautiful houses?"

"These are for doctors. They did a lot of good on Earth so they get a nice mansion," replies Peter.

Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions. These were more magnificent than the first.

"Wow, who lives here?"

"These mansions are for social workers. They did a lot of good on Earth, but didn't make a lot of money so they get a better house."

Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions. These are the most gorgeous homes she had ever seen. They have huge columns, well manicured lawns, beautiful stained glass windows - - - the works!

"These are the most beautiful homes I have ever seen," exclaims the teacher. "Who lives here?!"

"Teachers live here," says Peter, "they did much good on Earth and received very little money, so they get the best houses in all of Heaven."

"But where are all of the teachers?" inquires the teacher.

Peter answers, "Oh, they'll be back soon. They're all in Hell at a faculty meeting."

Recipe: Cabbage Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: about 45 minutes

This North European staple can always be improved by using Savoy cabbage in place of tight green head cabbage. For a thicker, more substantial soup, see the second variation.

1 small head green, Savoy, or Napa cabbage, about 1-1/2 lbs
4 T (1/2 stick) butter or 3 T extra-virgin oil
1 large onion, sliced
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
2 T brown sugar
¼ t ground allspice
5 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water, preferably warmed
Freshly squeezed lemon juice or white wine or rice vinegar to taste

Core and shred the cabbage. Place the butter or oil in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium. When the butter melts or the oil is hot, add the cabbage, onion, slat, and pepper. Cook, stirring, until both the onion and cabbage are tender but not brown---turn the heat down a little if necessary---at least 20 minutes.
Stir in the sugar and allspice and cook, stirring, for 1 minute. Add the stock or water and cook, stirring occasionally, for about 15 minutes. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.)
Add a teaspoon or two of lemon juice, then taste and adjust seasoning. Serve hot.

Recipe: Onion Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: about 1 hour

This onion soup has a thin coating of good cheese rather than the more common gobs of mozzarella or Cheddar. It's light but incredibly deep in flavor.

4 T (1/2 stick) butter
4 large onions, thinly sliced (about 6 cups)
5 C beef or chicken stock, preferably warmed
2 or 3 sprigs fresh thyme or pinch dried thyme
2 or 3 sprigs fresh parsley
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
2 T cognac (optional)
4 croutons, made with bread slices & butter
1 C freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Melt the butter in a large, deep saucepan or casserole over medium heat. Add the onions and cook, stirring occasionally, until very soft and beginning to brown, 30 to 45 minutes.
Add the stock, turn the heat to medium-high and bring just about to a boil. Turn down the heat so that the mixture sends up a few bubbles at a time. Add the seasoning herbs, salt, pepper, and cognac and cook for 15 minutes. Preheat the oven to 400°F. Fish out the parsley and thyme sprigs, if any. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point; cover and refrigerate for up to 2 days, then reheat before proceeding.)
Place a crouton in each of four ovenproof bowls. Add a portion of soup and top with cheese. Place the bowls in a roasting pan or on a sturdy baking sheet and bake for 10 minutes, or until the cheese melts. Serve immediately.

Recipe: Simplest Split Pea Soup

Makes 4 to 6 servings
Time: about 1-1/2 hours

To make pea soup, you need split peas, water (or stock, or course), and croutons.

2 C green split peas, washed & picked over
6 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Croutons

Combine the peas and the stock or water in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Turn the heat to low, cover partially, and cook, stirring occasionally, until the peas are very, very soft, about 45 minutes to 1 hour.
Mash the mixture with a fork or potato masher, or put it through a food mill or strainer, or puree it carefully in a blender. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.) Reheat, adding more stock or water if necessary to achieve the consistency you like. Season to taste and serve with croutons.

Alternatives to fruits (in recipes)

Many times, we come across recipes which require fruits and they may not be available in exactly the form as needed in the recipe. Here are some alternatives:

1 teaspoon grated orange rind = 1/2 orange

3 tablespoons lemon juice = 1 lemon

1-1/2 teaspoons grated lemon rind = 1 lemon

1 cup mashed banana= 3 medium bananas

6 tablespoons orange juice = 1 orange

1 cup chopped apple = 1 medium apple

4 cups sliced apples = 4 medium apples

2 cups pitted cherries = 4 cups un-pitted cherries

4 cups sliced fresh peaches = 2 lbs or 8 medium peaches

1 cup orange juice = 3 medium oranges

Humour - Jokes from the bar - Part 4

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man calls the bartender over. "Say, must be losing my mind," he tells him."I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar. "The peanuts?" "That's right, the peanuts--they're complementary."

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?" The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign--I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the man tells his friend about it: "I told him I was blind, and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down. The bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."

A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, "What's the matter?" The man says, "My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. The month is up today.

"This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still another drink. His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, "What are you doing? What's in your pocket?" And the guy says, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."

A police officer helps Ole up off the barroom floor and says, "So, can you describe the person who hit you and knocked you out?" And Ole says, "Ya sure. In fact, that's what I was yust doing when he hit me."

Humour - Jokes from the bar - Part 3

A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work." And the bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?" The guy says, "I take care of the corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns." The bartender asks, "Tough job, huh? The guy says, "Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad
temperaments. And the dogs aren't too smart, either."

A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one and says "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." Finally, the bartender gives the man his tab, and the man says, "And NOW the
trouble starts...

"A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry." The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What have you got? "Fifty cents," is the reply.

A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says, "That's a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are all wearing firemen's hats?" And the bartender says, "Well, it says right there in the Bible--the three wise men came from afar."