Joke: Placing flowers on grave

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Joke: Home plumbing

My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre.

After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.

Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.

"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools..."

YOU KNOW YOU ARE ITALIAN

. Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY..

. You know you're Italian when . . .You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.

. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

. You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

. And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:

. Your grandfather had a fig tree.

. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

. Your mom's meatballs are the best.

. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

. Plastic on the furniture is normal.

. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella. "

. You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

. You've called someone a "mamaluke."

. And you understand "bada bing"

SCHUBERT'S UNNFINISHED SYMPHONY

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager.

The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

5. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

Joke: Appendix

Once a doctor got a telephone call in the middle of night. The caller sounded very excited.
“Doctor, please come at once. My wife is in great pain and I am sure it is appendicitis”, he said.
The doctor assured him that there was no need to panic. “I will come in the morning.”
The man protested, “But doctor, my wife is really serious.”
The doctor replied, “I took out your wife s appendix two years ago. She can not have another.”
The caller protested, “That is alright doctor, but now I have got another wife!”

LOSING VIRGINITY

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.

The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!", the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

SEX QUOTES

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." --Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Drew Carey

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." --Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." -- Unknown

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." --Rodney Dangerfield

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet." -- Bill Kelly

"As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen."
-- Rev. Sydney Smith

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." -- Woody Allen

"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children." -- Sam Austin

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." -- George Burns

"I can remember when riding motorcycles was dangerous and sex was safe." -- Unknown

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." -- Matt Barry

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease." -- Unknown

"My kid had sex with your honor student." -- Bumper Sticker

"My sexual preference is not you." -- T-Shirt

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life." -- Michael Sinz

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." --Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." -- George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." -- Henry Miller

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." -- Lynn Lavner

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." -- P. J. ORourke