Joke: Flying with a parrot

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"

Humour: THE BEST INSULTS

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks??

At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!

Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing

Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

If I had a face like yours; I'd sue my parents!

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

Keep talking; someday you'll say something intelligent!

Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

How would you like to feel the way you look?

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?

I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.

I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone
will agree with me.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!

I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.

I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?

I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!

I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU SAY "FUCK YOU" TO PRESIDENTS / KINGS

U.S.A. You say "fuck you" to the president of U.S.A. .
Nothing happens, you become famous, they make you write a book and you make millions of dollars. But meanwhile the President sues you and gets all the money you have.

ENGLAND You say "fuck you" to the queen of England.
The queen says "fuck you" to you too.

FRANCE You say "fuck you" to the president of France.
Millions of people supports you and says "fuck you" to the president. Meanwhile the president of France writes poems because of his sadness.

JAPAN You say "fuck you" to the king of Japan.
The king says "I'm sorry; I'm not interested on your body."

GERMANY You say "fuck you" to the president of Germany.
The police come and say "Please don't fuck the president".

SWEDEN You say "fuck you" to the king of Sweden.
People votes if they accept you to fuck the king or not. If the answer is yes you fuck the president. If the answer is no, the king shakes your hand.

ROMANIA You say "fuck you" to the president of Romania.
The president starts dancing with you with gypsy music.

TURKEY You say "fuck you" to the president of Turkey.
The president takes his gun and shoots you. He goes to jail for 8 years or escapes the country and Greece welcomes him as a political refugee.

GREECE You say "fuck you" to the president of Greece.
The president takes his gun and shoots you. He goes to jail for 8 years or escapes the country and Turkey welcomes him as a political refugee.

CHINA You say "fuck you" to the president of China.
The president literally fucks you.

ITALY You say "fuck you" to the president of Italy.
You get price quotes from the mafia for realizing your passion.

RUSSIA You say "fuck you" to the president of Russia.
The president kisses your mouth.

SAUDI ARABIA You say "fuck you" to the president ...
But there is no president, you become foolish. But if you say "fuck you"to the king, the king cuts your tongue.

PAKISTAN You say "fuck you" to the president of Pakistan.
The president calls you a terrorist and hands over to the Americans for dollars.

When Insults Had Class

When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words!!) These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather - than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Insulting Quotes

INSULTS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say your stupidity.

You're the best at all you do---and all you do is make people hate you.

The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.

When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents.

Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.

You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.

Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.

You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.

If you ever tax your brain....ask for change.

It's your life---but I wish you'd trade it in for a rusty Swiss army knife.

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would not eat.

May you live another day or two.

I admire you because you have the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief and a cheat.

For a ' going away ' present you would be perfect.