Humor: HOME MECHANIC'S TOOLS.... and their usage....

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle
jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also
works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just
above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to
get the bearing grease out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British
cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating
that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last
15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you
were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses
in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the
ground after you have installed your new front disk brake
set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a
motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich
tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting
dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in
bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating
grease build up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing
the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may
have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount
prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring
sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box
after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just
as you thought.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,
"the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under
motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off
Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal
wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it
into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and
rounds them off.

PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. .. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

9. ..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

10. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no Satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.

24. ... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

Humour: Do-It-Yourself Tips (don't actually try them at home)

* Leak stain on ceiling.
Cut a piece of plywood into a square. Nail it over the stain. Put a handle on it. Tell everyone it's the door to your attic. (Not recommended for basement apartments).

* Ant invasion.
In a four-litre pail mix together two litres of water, 500 grams of abrasive cleanser and two tablespoons of dish detergent. Find the spot where the ants are getting into the house, pick them up one-by-one and drown them in your pail. Or simply squoosh them with your shoes and use
the mixture to clean up the mess.

* Crayon marks on wall.
Grasp in right hand one paint scraper about 30cm long. With left hand, grab rotten offspring who made the marks and threaten to apply scraper to his video game collection if this happens again. Break all his crayons.

* Doggie-doo on lawn.
Carefully measure one litre of unleaded gasoline into metal container. Place container under coat and follow offending dog and owner home. Burn down their house.

* Crabgrass.
In one corner of your lawn, assemble your mower, rake, shovel and weed killer. Using right index finger, dial any asphalt company. Have them come over and pave your lawn -- mower, rake, shovel and weed killer included.

* Cigarette burn on rug.
Cut one lemon in half. Squeeze juice into large glass of gin mixed 50-50 with tonic. Add ice. Drink enough glasses of this solution until burn becomes blurry. Move couch over mark.

* Dirty paint brushes.
Soak brushes in pail of paint remover. Read paint remover directions carefully. Notice they say solvent should not be inhaled. Move brushes and can to airy place -- like the backyard. Notice that solvent can kill grass. Move can and brushes up off lawn onto suitable surface like, say,
barbecue. Now notice that solvent is highly flammable ...

* Annoying drips.
Don't invite them over anymore.

Stain Removal Tips

Adhesive Tape, Chewing Gum, Rubber Cement - Harden surface with ice;
scrape with a dull knife. Saturate with a prewash stain remover or
cleaning fluid. Rinse, then wash with Country Save Laundry Detergent.

Baby Formula - Pretreat or soak stain using a product containing
enzymes; soak for at least 30 minutes or several hours for aged
stains. Launder with Country Save Laundry Detergent.

Beverages (coffee, tea, soft drinks, wine, alcoholic drinks) - Soak
stain in cool water. Pretreat with prewash stain remover or a paste
of Country Save Laundry Detergent powder and water. Launder with
Country Save Non-Chlorine Bleach. Note: Older stains might respond to
treatment with an enzyme product, then wash with Country Save Laundry
Detergent.

Blood - Soak freshly stained garment in cold water for 30 minutes.
Rub detergent into any remaining stain. Rinse, then launder with
Country Save Laundry Detergent. Dried stains should be pretreated or
soaked in tepid water with a product containing enzymes, then
laundered. Note: If stain remains, rewash, using a bleach that is
safe for that fabric.

Candle Wax - Harden with ice, then remove surface wax with a dull
knife. Place wax stain between clean paper towels and press with a
warm iron. Replace paper towels regularly to absorb more wax and to
prevent transferring the stain. Place stain face down on clean paper
towels. Sponge remaining stain with a prewash stain remover or dry-
cleaning fluid; blot with paper towels. Let dry, then wash with
Country Save Laundry Detergent. Note: If any color remains, relaunder
with a bleach that is safe for that fabric such as Country Save Non-
Chlorine Bleach.

Catsup/Tomato Sauce - Rinse in cold water, then soak in cool water
with 1/4 cup Country Save Laundry Detergent per gallon of water.
Spray with a prewash product; launder with a bleach that is safe for
that fabric such as Country Save Non-Chlorine Bleach.

Chocolate - Treat the stain with a prewash spray or pretreat with a
product containing enzymes. If stain remains, relaunder with bleach
that is safe for that fabric such as Country Save Non-Chlorine
Bleach.

Collar/Cuff Soils - Rub area with a stain stick product and let
remain for 30 minutes, or longer for heavy stains; launder with
Country Save Laundry Detergent.

Coffee, Tea (plain or with sugar/sweetener) - Flush stain immediately
with cool water if possible; or soak for 30 minutes in cool water.
Rub the stain with Country Save Laundry Detergent and launder with
bleach that is safe for that fabric such as Country Save Non-Chlorine
Bleach.

Coffee, Tea (with cream only) - Sponge stain with a dry-cleaning
solvent. Air dry. Rub with Country Save Laundry Detergent, then
launder in hottest water safe for that fabric (with bleach that is
safe for that fabric). Pretreat or soak older stains with an enzyme
product, then launder with Country Save Laundry Detergent.

Cosmetics - Pretreat with stain stick, prewash stain remover or a
paste of Country Save Laundry Detergent or laundry additive and
water, or rub with bar soap. Work into dampened stain until outline
of stain is gone; rinse. If greasy stain remains, soak in an enzyme
product. Rinse and launder with Country Save Laundry Detergent.

Crayon (few spots) - Treat the same as for candle wax, or rub
dampened stain with bar soap. Launder with hottest water safe for
that fabric. Washer load of clothes can be washed in hot water, using
a laundry soap (not detergent) plus 1 cup baking soda. If colored
stain remains, launder again, using chlorine bleach, if safe for the
fabrics. Otherwise, pretreat or soak in a product containing enzyme
or Country Save Non-Chlorine Bleach using hottest water safe for
fabric, then wash with Country Save Laundry Detergent.

Dairy Products (milk, cream, ice cream, yogurt, sour cream, cheese,
cream soup) - Pretreat with stain stick or soak in an enzyme presoak
product for 30 minutes if stain is new, or several hours for aged
stains; launder with Country Save Laundry Detergent.

Deodorants, Antiperspirants - Treat light stains with a paste of
Country Save Laundry Detergent and then wash with same. Pretreat
heavy stains with same paste and allow to stand 5 to 10 minutes.
Launder with Country Save Laundry Detergent and Country Save Non-
Chlorine Bleach.

Dye Transfer (white garment that has picked up bleeding dye from
other garment) - Remove stains with a commercial color remover;
launder. If stain remains, launder again with chlorine bleach, if
safe for that fabric. For colored fabrics and whites that cannot be
chlorine bleached, soak in Country Save Non-Chlorine Bleach or an
enzyme presoak product, then launder with Country Save Laundry
Detergent. Note: Proper sorting before laundering and not allowing
wet clothing to stay in washer after cycle is completed helps prevent
this type of stain.

Egg - Pretreat with an enzyme product for 30 minutes for new stain,
or several hours for aged stains; launder with Country Save Laundry
Detergent.

Fabric Softener - Moisten stain and rub with bar soap. Rinse, then
launder with Country Save Laundry Detergent. If stain remains, sponge
area with rubbing alcohol or dry-cleaning solvent. Rinse thoroughly
and relaunder.

Fingernail Polish - Try nail polish remover, but do not use on
acetate or triacetate fabrics. Place stain face down on paper towels
and flush with remover. Replace paper towels regularly. Repeat until
stain disappears; rinse and launder. Some polishes may be impossible
to remove.

Fruit Juices - Soak garment in cool water. Wash with bleach that is
safe for that fabric.

Grass Stains - Pretreat with stain stick or soak with an enzyme
product. If stain remains, and if safe for dye, sponge stain with
alcohol (dilute alcohol with 2 parts water for use on acetate). If
stain still remains, launder in hottest water safe for fabrics, with
bleach that is safe for that fabric.

Grease (motor oil, animal fat, mayonnaise, salad dressing, butter,
cooking oil and car grease) - Light stains can be pretreated with a
spray stain remover, liquid laundry detergent, or a detergent
booster. Launder in hottest water safe for fabric. Place heavy stains
face down on clean paper towels. Apply cleaning fluid to the back of
stain. Replace towels frequently. Let air dry; rinse. Launder in
hottest water safe for that fabric.

Ink - Test stain with water or dry-cleaning solvent by placing a drop
of each on stain. Use method that removes more of the ink. Ballpoint
ink stains can be placed stain face down on white paper towels.
Sponge with rubbing or denatured alcohol or dry-cleaning solvent, or
rub detergent into stained area. Repeat if some stain remains. Rinse;
launder. Drawing ink usually cannot be removed. Try flushing with
cold water until pigments are removed; rub liquid detergent into
stain; rinse. Repeat process. Soak in warm sudsy water to which 1 to
4 tablespoons of household ammonia per quart of water have been
added. Rinse thoroughly. Launder in hottest water safe for that
fabric, with bleach safe for the fabric. Felt Tip or India Ink -
Usually cannot be removed. Try pouring water through the stain before
it dries, until pigments are removed. Allow to dry. If you notice
some reduction in stain, sponge with dry-cleaning solvent. Allow to
dry. Rub liquid household cleaner into stain. Rinse. Soak stain
(possibly overnight) in warm water to which 1 to 4 tablespoons of
household ammonia have been added. Rinse and repeat treatment if
necessary; launder.

Iodine - Rinse from back side of stain under cool, running water.
Soak in solution of color remover, or sponge with a solution of
sodium thiosulfate crystals (available at drug store). Rinse and
launder with Country Save Laundry Detergent.

Lipstick - Place face down on paper towels. Sponge area with dry-
cleaning solvent, or use a prewash soil and stain remover. Replace
towels frequently; rinse. Rub moist paste of Country Save Laundry
Detergent into stain until outline is removed; launder with same.
Repeat treatment if needed.

Liquid paper - Sponge the stain with amyl acetate (banana oil). Air
dry. Repeat treatment if necessary. Rub gently with detergent, then
launder with Country Save Laundry Detergent.

Mercurochrome or Methyolate - Rinse out as much of the stain as
possible under cool, running water. Soak for 30 minutes in a solution
of 1/2 teaspoon ammonia per quart of water. Rinse; if stain remains,
soak in a solution of 1 quart warm water and 1 tablespoon vinegar for
one hour. Rinse thoroughly and allow to dry. Launder with Country
Save Laundry Detergent and Non-Chlorine Bleach. For delicate fabrics,
apply alcohol and cover with pad moistened with alcohol. Change pads
frequently until stain is removed. Rinse; launder.

Mildew - Launder stained items using chlorine bleach, if safe for
that fabric. Otherwise, soak in Country Save Non-Chlorine Bleach and
hot water, then launder with Country Save Laundry Detergent. If some
stain remains, sponge with hydrogen peroxide. Rinse and relaunder.
Dry in sunlight. Badly mildewed fabrics may be damaged beyond repair.

Mud - Let dry, then brush off as much mud as possible; or rinse under
running water and let soak overnight. For light stains, pretreat with
a paste of Country Save Laundry Detergent and water, launder with
same. Pretreat heavy stains by presoaking with Country Save Laundry
Detergent; launder with same. Red clay can be rubbed with a paste of
vinegar and table salt. Leave for 30 minutes. Launder with hottest
water safe for that fabric and Non-Chlorine Bleach. Repeat if needed.

Mustard - Treat with a prewash stain remover, or dampen with water
and rub with bar soap. Launder using Country Save Laundry Detergent
with Non-Chlorine Bleach.

Paint - Water-based paint, such as latex acrylic stains, should be
rinsed in warm water while stain is still wet; launder. This stain
usually cannot be removed after it dries. For oil-based paints,
including varnish, use the solvent listed on the label as a thinner.
If label information is unavailable, use turpentine. Rinse. Pretreat
with prewash stain remover, bar soap, or Country Save Laundry
Detergent and launder.

Perfume - Treat with prewash stain remover; rinse and launder with
Country Save Laundry Detergent.

Perspiration - Treat with prewash stain remover, or dampen stain and
rub with bar soap. If the color of the fabric has changed slightly,
apply ammonia to fresh stain or white vinegar to old stain; rinse.
Launder in hottest water safe for that fabric. Stubborn stains may
respond to pretreating with a product containing enzymes, then
launder with Country Save Laundry Detergent and Non-Chlorine Bleach.

Pine Resin - Sponge the stain with cleaning fluid; let air dry. Rub
with Country Save Laundry Detergent and launder as usual. If stains
persist, apply a few drops of household ammonia. Air dry.

Pollen (tree or flower) - Sponge, then flush with dry-cleaning
solvent. Let air dry. Rub gently with paste of Country Save Laundry
Detergent. Launder as usual, using Country Save Non-Chlorine Bleach.

Rust - Apply a commercial rust remover. Follow manufacturer' s
instructions. Do not use chlorine bleach on rust. Country Save Non-
Chlorine Bleach may be used

Shoe Polish - Pretreat liquid shoe polish with a paste of Country
Save Laundry Detergent and water; launder using same. Use a dull
knife to scrape residue of paste shoe polish from the fabric.
Pretreat with a prewash stain remover or cleaning fluid; rinse. Rub
Country Save Laundry Detergent into dampened area. Launder with
Country Save Non-Chlorine Bleach.

Tar - Act quickly before stain dries. Use a dull knife to scrape
excess tar from the fabric. Place stain face down on paper towels.
Sponge with cleaning fluid. Replace towels frequently for better
absorption. Launder, using hottest water safe for that fabric.

Tobacco - Moisten stain and rub with bar soap; rinse. Pretreat with
stain stick or soak in an enzyme solution; launder with Country Save
Laundry Detergent. Note: If stain remains, launder again using
Country Save Non-Chlorine Bleach.

Urine, Vomit, Mucous, or Feces - Treat with prewash spray or pretreat
with a product containing enzymes. Launder with chlorine bleach that
is safe for fabric, or use an all-fabric bleach.

Yellowing of White Cottons or Linens - Fill washer with hot water.
Add twice the detergent as normal. Place items in washer and agitate
four minutes on regular cycle. Stop washer and soak clothes for 15
minutes. Restart washer and agitate 15 minutes. Complete the wash
cycle. Repeat process if needed.

Yellowing of White Nylon - Soak garment overnight in an enzyme
presoak or oxygen bleach. Launder, using hot water and twice as much
detergent as usual with an oxygen bleach.

Home Organization Plan

From the site:

If you've tried other home organization systems and failed then Justmommies Home Organization Plan is perfect for you. We've tried to create something simple, easy to use, and practical for even the busiest mom. We have broken things up into daily tasks, weekly tasks, and monthly tasks There are some tasks that must be done every day to keep a clean home. To keep it simple for you, we have three very easy routines to do throughout the day. Most take only a few minutes. Some things, like vaccuming, do not need to be done but once or twice a week, those tasks are listed in green. We also list reminders for things like cleaning out your refrigerator in this section.

Link to article.

Tip: The Benefits of Using Vinegar as a Fabric Softener

Vinegar Will:
* eliminate static cling
* remove soap residue from your clothes
* soften your laundry
* make your towels more absorbent

Vinegar Won't:
* add harsh chemicals to your laundry
* impregnate your clothes with synthetic fragrances
* cost you a lot of money

Tips and Warnings

1) To give your clothes a fresh scent, add a few drops of your favorite essential oil to the vinegar.

2) Have a fabric softener ball? Fill it with vinegar, and you won't have to
watch for the rinse cycle.

3) Keep vinegar out of the reach of children and pets.

Ten Rules of Housekeeping

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger,
thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob
vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations.
Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

5 USES FOR TOOTHPASTE

REMOVE CRAYON MARKS---Squirt a small dab of non gel toothpaste on the wall where the mark is. Rub gently with a soft cloth, then rinse with warm water.

DEODORIZE HANDS---To get rid of garlic and onion odor on hands. Wash with a blob of toothpaste.

WHITEN SNEAKERS---Clean rubber soles by rubbing scuff marks with an old toothbrush and non gel toothpaste.

BUFF A DVD---Get rid of light scratches by squeezing a little non gel toothpaste onto a cotton ball. Wipe over the DVD from the center out to the edge. Rinse with water and dry with a nonabrasive, lint free cloth.

DEFOG GOGGLES---Coat the inside of swimming goggles with toothpaste, then wipe off.

Home Tips

To shine patent leather shoes or handbags, rub with unbeaten egg white. Allow it to dry, then polish with a soft cloth.
Got a mark on your bath (ceramic or plastic), try putting a small lump of toothpaste on to your finger and rubbing the mark gently with it. Wipe clean with a damp cloth. You will be amazed as to what you can clean up with a bit of toothpaste.
If an aluminium pan has become discolored, boil some apple peel in it for a few minutes, then rinse and dry.
Keep your fingernails clean while doing a dirty job by first running them all across a bar of soap so there is a scraping beneath each of your nails.
Crushed egg shells and water make an excellent scourer for vases.
After you've dyed a pair of shoes, give the heels a coat of clear nail varnish. It prevents the new color scraping off.
Avoid splashing curtains when washing the windows by folding them on a coat hanger and hanging it from the pole or runner.
Prevent streaks when cleaning glass surfaces by using scrunched up newspaper for the final wipe.
Use a little fabric conditioner in warm water to clean glass topped tables, TV screens or stereo lids, then rub dry. This prevents dust settling on the surface.
Reduce condensation in the bathroom by running cold water into the bath first.

5 Helpful Hints---Curtains, Fan, Door, Shower, & Miniblinds

GREASY DIRT ON MINIBLINDS

Put on a pair of old cotton gardening gloves. Dip them into a mixture of household cleaner and warm water. Then run your fingers along each slat, top and bottom. Rinse.

SOAP SCUM ON SHOWER DOORS

Wipe with a solution of white vinegar and warm water, or spray with laundry prewash. If scum is heavy, scour with a nylon scrubbing pad. Rinse.

DIRTY PATIO DOOR TRACKS

Wrap a terrycloth rag around a screwdriver, spray with all purpose cleaner and make several passes along the track.

GRIMY PORTABLE FAN

Vacuum dust off grille with brush attachment. Use a hair dryer on cool setting to blow dust off blades. If the grille comes off, wipe blades with a household cleaner and damp cloth. Dry.

DUSTY DRAPES OR CURTAINS

Run the window treatment through the dryer on the no heat setting with a damp towel to attract the dust. Rehang immediately.*

Three different methods for making your vanilla extract

1. Place one vanilla bean into a pint of vodka. Shake daily for two weeks.
2. Scrape the seeds from three vanilla beans and place them into a bottle of dark rum. Place the pods in the rum as well. Let sit for three weeks, shaking occasionally.
3. Place 1/2 cup vodka or white tequila into small saucepan, and heat until it smokes but isn't boiling. Break 2 vanilla beans into pieces and place into bottle or jar. Pour the alcohol into the bottle and cover tightly. Let sit for a week, shaking frequently.
To strain and bottle for storage: Use a very fine strainer, coffee filter, or paper towel to strain.

Another method:

Split 7 vanilla beans end-to-end with a sharp knife. Add these to a .750 liter (1/5) bottle of rum, vodka, everclear, scotch, brandy, or alcohol of your choice.
Let stand for three to four weeks before using.
When bottle is 1/4 full add three to four more beans and more alcohol.
Let stand for another week before using.
Seeds may float in the syrupy liquid but unless yoou are giving the finished product as a gift, don¢t remove them-they only add to the flavor.
Use one-forth to one-third the amount called for in most recipes as this has a very strong vanilla flavor.
The vanilla beans are good as long as they have a vanilla scent.
When they have lost their scent, discard and replace with fresh beans.
You may remove the beans from the alcohol base and either scrape or chop and use them in recipes in place of the extract if you want a strong vanilla flavor.
If you choose to remove the vanilla beans from the alcohol, dry them thoroughly and place them in a canister of sugar to make vanilla sugar.

Traditional Vanilla Recipe
(Makes 8-ounces)
1/2-pint Vodka
4 Vanilla beans
Seal tight bottle or container
Decorative bottle

1. Using a sharp kitchen knife, cut a lengthwise slit down the middle of each vanilla bean.
2. Cut vanilla beans into 1/2-3/4 inch pieces.
3. Pour vodka into your container.
4. Add vanilla beans to container and shake.
5. Wait and shake. It will take 30-days for the vanilla extract to mature. Once each day, vigorously shake the container for 30-seconds.
6. Once the 30-day cycle has finished, strain the liquid through a colander or coffee filter and place in decorative bottle.

Brandy Vanilla
(Makes 8-ounces)
1 cup Brandy
1 whole vanilla bean

1. Place Brandy into seal-tight container.
2. Add one vanilla bean.
3. Wait. It will take 3-weeks for vanilla to cure properly.
4. Pour into decorator bottle.
Another Recipe:

Start with 1 cup of vodka, brandy, or real vanilla extract.
Add 2-3 Tablespoons of corn syrup, stir or shake to dissolve.
Finely chop 3 or more (depending on strength of flavor desired) vanilla pods; add to bottle.
Store the bottle in a cool place; stir or shake occasionally to mix ingredients.
As the contents of the brew bottle are poured out, top it up occasionally with additional liquid (vodka, brandy, or extract) and a bit more corn syrup; about once a year add a couple more finely chopped vanilla pods.

Storing Vanilla
Keep vanilla extract in a cool, dark place, with the bottle tightly closed, to prevent evaporation and loss of flavor. Vanilla extract will stay fresh for two years unopened and for one year after being opened.
Notes:
Vodka usually gives the highest alcohol content. Brandy adds additional flavor which some folks may or may not prefer.
Corn syrup or sugar helps extract and develop the flavor from the vanilla pods (corn syrup dissolves more easily).
Using a variety of vanilla pods (Madagascar, Indonesia, Tahitian, Mexican) will produce a vanilla extract with a much more complex flavor and aroma. Try using Madagascar pods as a base, adding Tahitian and Mexican pods for additional flavor/fragrance notes
Shake vanilla bottle before each use. Small flecks of the
vanilla pods will be in the vanilla extract - they provide additional flavor. They also appear as dark flecks in light-colored food, don¢t shake the bottle if you don¢t want the flecks to appear.
Occasionally spoon out some of the mass of vanilla pods that settle to the bottom of the jar for when you want a very intense vanilla flavor (such as homemade vanilla ice cream or butter/vanilla pretzel cookies).
Have a brew bottle always on the go and every summer make sure it¢s topped up so you'll have enough vanilla extract on hand for holiday baking.
Starter brew bottles make great gifts for friends who bake. Include the basic instructions and a few extra vanilla pods in case they want to make an even stronger extract or wish to make some vanilla sugar on the side.

Homemade Liquid Laundry Detergent

1 bar of Fels Naptha, grated
1 Cup of Arm & Hammer Washing Soda (not baking soda)

If you want it to be heavy duty detergent, but not necessary, then add,

1 Cup Borax

Put grated Fels Naptha in sauce pan and cover with water. Cook at med. heat for 15 min., stirring frequently. Pour Fels Naptha mixture into 5 Gal. bucket. Add washing soda, and Borax, if using, and fill bucket with warm or hot water. Mix together. You can use some immediately. Once it cools, the mixture will set and will need to be remixed to make it more like thick laundry detergent consistency.

Will have a mild scent. Will not make suds...this is not necessary. Store bought detergent has fillers that make suds to make you think it is doing a better job cleaning your clothes. People with front loading washers pay extra to have laundry detergent that doesn't do this...and therefore, yes, you can use this with HE front loading washers. Works great and is ok for your machine.

Homemade fish bait

JUGGS DAVIS CATFISH STINK BAIT RECIPE - HOMEMADE CATFISH BAIT

melt 1 lb. cheese for about 1 min. in microwave then chop 6-8 oz. of raw pork, perch, or both in combination. chop 1 head of garlic and add garlic salt, mix in 1 can dog food, add 1 dozen minnows and enough flour to give a dough consistency. Mix in a food processor. this bait works best on treble hooks or bait tubes.

CAJUN MUD CATFISH BAIT RECIPE

in a blender mix 24 bad minners, and 1/4 C of the juice they was in along with 1/2 Cup parmesean cheese, 1 box cherry jello 1/4 C molasses, 3 Tablespoons of onion salt and garlic salt, 1 cup bread crumbs, 3 Tablespoons of soy sauce, add flour to thicken then work into a dough and place in baggies in 1 inch balls use on a treble hook.

TRINITY RIVER CATFISH BAIT RECIPE

In 1/4 cup boiling water add 3 beef bullion cubes. after they dissolve add 3 oz lunch meat, and 3 Tablespoons of garlic salt and onion powder, 5 slices of bread, 4 Tablespoons of of melted peanut butter, 20 crackers. Put it in a blender and mix. place in sealabel container in a cool place with lid on tight. Use as a ball on treble hook.

JACKS CAT ATTACK CATFISH BAIT RECIPE

mix 1 lb of aged in the sun chicken livers and 1 package of hot dogs together in a blender and mix. This may be best performed outside or with wife gone. In a gallon jug place a half a loaf of bread torn into bite size pieces, pour the liver and and hot dog mix over it. add 2 cans of nacho cheese, 1 can corn, 1/4 bottle of Tabasco,and a dozen worms cut up, to the mix. next get rubber gloves and pour this
mixture out and knead good until it gets thick and a dough like consistency. Store in the sun, in a large plastic container, and handle with care.

CHICKEN LITTLES CHICKEN LIVER CATFISH DIP BAIT RECIPE

In a blender place a pound of chicken livers partially frozen, a half a box of cornflakes, 1/2 cup garlic powder or two heads of fresh garlic,1/3 cup of each: parmesan cheese-molasses-sugar. Blend well place in small dishes and freeze what you don't plan to use as this bait will spoil very quick. Best if used when fresh.

SHADRACKS DIP SHAD CATFISH BAIT RECIPE

A use for the left over shad when you got too many. Place about 20 small threadfin shad in a blender with 1/2 Cup of cornmeal, 1 tablespoon each of garlic powder-sugar. blend well and place this mixture in a jar and shake twice daily for a week and its ready. Use with dip worms or sponges.

UNCLE DEWEY'S CATFISH BAIT RECIPE

Place about two pounds of leftover shad and a tub of chicken livers with about two cups of bacon grease or vegetable oil in a loosely covered bucket and allow to sit in the sun until the shad liquify.
Add about 6 cups of regular oatmeal,2 cups of yellow cornmeal, a cup of brown sugar and a 4oz package of limburger cheese. stir carefully but thoroughly. Return the bucket to a sunny location for another week for more fermentation.
Thicken with flour or cattail fuzz for bait, or thin with water for chum.

LEATHER LIVER CHICKEN LIVER CATFISH BAIT RECIPE

Take 2 lbs of chicken liver and 32oz. can of garlic salt. Lay liver out in layers, sprinkle a hefty amount of garlic salt on it. Add next layer so on and so forth until the liver is all used. Let sit for a couple hours outside. It doesn't have to be in the sun. After a couple hours take the liver and dump into a bucket and start
stirring, every 3 or 4 stirs add some more garlic. Do this until you have about 1/4 cup of garlic left. Put it in the garage for about 9 or 10 days, make sure its covered. When you get ready to use it dump the rest of the garlic salt in, stir, and go fishing. The salt will make the garlic a lot tougher. You can use a single wire
hook doing it this way.
Instead of Garlic try Anise, Vanilla or what ever you want. Just make sure you add salt (alot) because this is what makes it tough.

CATFISH BLOOD BAIT RECIPE

Find a locker plant that will let you have a set of beef lungs with windpipe still connected. Hang lungs up by windpipe. Pour fresh blood into windpipe. When full hang in cooler until blood coagulates. Leave in cooler 24 hours. Take out of cooler and slice into cubes. Because of the consistency of the lung, the lung absorbs the blood. When you put the slices on the hook, the bait will stay on the hook, but the
blood will still bleed out, re-liquifying in the water.
Forty years ago, my Dad bet a man that he could put a cube of blood bait on a hook and line and drag it behind a pickup, one city block, and bait would still be on hook. I witnessed this incidence.

CATFISH DOUGH BAIT RECIPE

1.5 cups of cornmeal
1 cup of flour
16-20 ounces of Big red
Anise oil

Add cornmeal, flour and anise oil to pot. Use however much anise oil you need. Add almost 3/4 of a bottle of big red. Cook this over medium heat constantly stirring until most of the liquid had been soaked up and the dough is stiff and sticky. Flour a counter surface and transfer the sticky dough on top of it. Here is the important
part, kneed the doughbait, just like you would with a loaf of bread incorporating more flour for at least ten to fifteen minutes. This allows gluten to form in the dough and prevents the bait from just coming off the hook. Kneed more flour into the dough until the dough is not sticky. Use a treble hook and good luck. I have been doing really well with this bait for quite a while. Also when I ran out of anise oil, I crushed about three tablespoons of anise seed into the dough and it did just as well. The nice thing about this dough is it freezes well and lasts a long time.

Home Made Laundry Detergent

1 bar Zote soap
1 cup Borax
1 cup baking soda
2.5 gallons hot water

Grate Zote Soap and dissolve in 2 cups of hot water. When soap is dissolved, add it to 2.5 gallons of hot water. Stir in borax and baking powder. You can add powdered color safe bleach 1 cup. Use roughly 1 cup per load.

Make your own laundry soap

This site (link) has a video that explains how to make laundry soap in your own house. This is not very difficult, and is of a great help if you want to save money.
Save TONS of money by making your own laundry soap! The necessary ingredients to keep your clothes clean is much smaller that what the major brands toss in that can potentially harmful to you and the environment.

Inexpensive detergent

Ready to trade your over-priced and chemical-laden dishwasher detergent for something better? Then, try this simple recipe for homemade detergent:

What You Need:
1 Tablespoon Borax
1 Tablespoon baking soda

What You Do:
Mix the Borax and baking soda together. Then, add to your dishwasher's detergent compartment, and run as usual.

Why This Works:
Borax and baking soda are both natural disinfectants and mild abrasives – just what you need to blast away stuck on food and germs. In fact, you may be interested to learn that Borax is a common ingredient in many commercial detergents.

Benefits of Making Your Own Dishwasher Detergent:
inexpensive
no harsh chemicals
does not emit chlorine gas like other commercial detergents
effective sanitizer
effective stain remover
effective water softener
environmentally-friendly (phosphate-free)

Tips and Warnings:
1) Borax sells under the name 20 Mule Team, and can be found on the laundry aisle.
2) Save time by making up big batches of dishwasher detergent, consisting of equal parts Borax and baking soda.
3) Keep prepared detergent out of the reach of children and pets.

How to Clean and Maintain a Dishwasher

Here is a site that provides details on this absolutely horrible task; when was the last time you looked upto the prospect of cleaning your dishwasher. More details at this website.

# Use your dishwasher regularly. It will help to prevent food and other debris from building up in there, reducing the need to clean it.
# Run the dishwasher or wait until just after you've run it, then empty the dishwasher completely. Do the other steps with the dishwasher empty.

More steps available at the site (link).

Can You Hear Me Now?

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought
she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called
the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the doctor. 'Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens.' In a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and
repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, What's for dinner?'
Again, no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, What's for dinner?' Again, there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
'Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!'

Extra charge

Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen.
Once they had moved the cooker and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done. As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.
The two men demanded £45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.
I really had no choice but to pay them.
As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men.
They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.
I told them my fee: £45.

Budget Tracker software

Budget Tracker is an easy to use program that will help you track and understand your monthly expenses. Each month you can enter in a number of specific monthly expenses including Rent/Mortgage, Utilities, Grocery, Entertainment, Phone, Medical, Clothing, and more. Each of these is tracked per month, but also a running average is kept for each expense over time. So you can see just how much you spend on average for specific items.
Budget Tracker is designed to be easy to enter all your expense data. All the averages and monthly totals are on the main screen so you can get a quick view of your personal finances. Other data that is tracked includes an overall monthly average expenditure as well as the highest month and the lowest month. In the end, Budget Tracker’s goal is to help you get a grip on where your money is going allowing you to better manage your finances.

Read more and download from this location.