Funny: Signs You Might Be Out of Shape

All of your neighbors comment on your new tent whenever you hang your shirt out on the line.

As you lay panting and gasping for breath, you curse whoever came up with the ideas of curbs.

It's the third day in a row you've bitten your chin thinking it was part of your Hoagie sandwich.

The rest of your body is still moving after you sit down.

Weighing yourself requires a periscope.

Your kids invites the other kids in the neighborhood to a "Godzilla Live"- how which solely consists of you trying to get into your car in the morning.

Ingrown navel.

Round Peg : Square hole :: You : The door.

You've earned the nickname "Goldilocks" for breaking so many chairs.

You've been selected by your local NFL team to paint your body and stand with your shirt off in front of the camera at the games. 

Responses to "Do I look fat" question ?

"Not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!"

"I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out."

"No, but taking it *off* sure does."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

"Not if you were travelling at the speed of light."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"