Jokes

1. A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the
process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

"Well," he says to the doctor "A week ago, I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it on the coffee table."

"And did you enjoy it?" asked the doctor enthusiastically. "Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "somewhat, but the Bible group was kind of surprised."



2. Job Security Quiz

The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing computer games at your desk, you...

a. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
b. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
c. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.

There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

a. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
b. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
c. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughing stock."

When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

a. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
b. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
c. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

a. Listen politely, and then apologize.
b. Blame someone else.
c. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."

When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...

a. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the wind-shield wiper.
b. Key it, then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
c. Key it, then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?

a. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
b. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
c. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

Your boss' gorgeous daughter comes on to you. How do you react?

a. Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the boss' daughter, but that you would be honored to pay for her to go to the movie by herself.
b. Slip her a mickey, then marry her before she sobers up.
c. Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive.

The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...

a. Clean the office while he supervises.
b. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
c. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.

SCORING

Mostly A's:
You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because
you're a doormat.

Mostly B's:
You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.

Mostly C's:
You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.



3. The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up.
The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend
would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done
something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his
friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off.

Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" The king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to
stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village.

They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.
As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a
thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole.

Untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded
of the event that had taken his thumb, and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off."

And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this." "No," his friend replied, "This is good!" "What do you mean, 'This is good?' How could it
be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?" "If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you!"