Funny: Some jokes

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor! That's why I want the divorce." he replied.

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A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.

To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.

A year later the young man returned home.

"Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."

"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.

"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a
Christian."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi.

"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a
Christian. What is happening to our sons?"

"Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds
opened and a mighty voice stated,

"Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel....."

Funny: Some jokes

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...  OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

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At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband.

It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

Funny: Some jokes

A film crew was on location in the desert. One day an old Native American Indian Chief went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained.

A week later, the chief went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This guy is incredible!" said the director. He told his secretary to hire him to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old chief didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,"

said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The chief shrugged. "Don't know. Radio broke."

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St. Peter is standing at Heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to Heaven, my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St. Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to Heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to Heaven, my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St. Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into Paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to Heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St. Peter asked.

"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent, my son. I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"

Funny: Some jokes

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him. 

-------------------

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.

Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive . . ."

---------------------

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

Funny: Some jokes

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

--------------

THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something, Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN' S VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody don't ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
instantaneously. ..
and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST' S VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

Funny: Some jokes

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal...

------------------

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling
despondent.

As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you'veseen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know about cars!"

Funny: Some jokes

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

-----------------

Snow White received a camera as a gift.

She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc.

She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed.

"How long before they're ready?" Snow asked the clerk.

He informed her it would be at least 6 days, as they had to send it to the Big City to be processed (remember, they didn't have 1-hour processing OR FedEx back then!)

After a week, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk told her they were not yet back from the processor.

"Come back next week", he said to her. Of course, as the story goes, she returned the following week for her 4x6 glossies, but they still had not returned!

Snow White was so distraught that she started to sob right there at thecounter.

The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly, "Don't worry, Dear...

Someday your prints will come."