THE BEST OF FINANCIAL MELTDOWN JOKES

1. How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday

2. What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start

3. Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"

4. Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...

5. What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's

6. What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four

7. What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
They both have frozen assets

8. Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word - goodbye.

9. What is a banker's favourite chocolate bar? A credit crunchie!

10. For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland?
Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...

11. Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

and finally the Best

12. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

Dictionary for women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Recipe: Campbells Sweet and Tangy Chicken

1 tbsp butter or margarine
4 Boneless chicken breast halves
1 can (10 3/4oz) Campbell`s Tomato Soup
1/4 cup water
1 tbsp brown sugar
1 tbsp vinegar
4 cups hot cooked rice

Heat butter or margerine on skillet. Add chicken and cook until browned.

Add soup,water,sugar and vinegar.Heat to a boil.Cover and cook over low heat 5 min or untill done. Serve with rice. Serves 4.

Wix - Create some stunning spaces

Wix offers you a simple powerful online platform to make flash websites, MySpace layouts and more. No downloads or programming needed. And since creating with Wix is free, anybody can Sign Up and try it themselves!
The Wix Editor allows you to use an online user friendly editor.

Eclipse4SL

Microsoft Silverlight is a cross platform, cross browser and cross device plug-in that enables designers and developers to build rich media experiences and RIAs for the web. It significantly reduces development and deployment costs and provides enhanced Web audio and video streaming and playback using industry-leading Technologies.
The project has been submitted to the Eclipse Foundation and released as an open Eclipse project. Specifically, the project will be an Eclipse plug-in that works with the Eclipse Integrated Development Environment (IDE) and Eclipse Rich Client Platform (RCP) to provide both a Silverlight development environment and greater interoperability between Silverlight and Java, to facilitate the integration of Silverlight-based applications into Java-based web sites and services.
Located at this location (link)

Article on heating water at off-times to save power

There is an article on the EERE site that displays information on how to save energy by using these heaters at off-peak timings / by using a timer (link). The article also contains more links on the following topics:
Install Heat Traps on a Water Heater Tank for Energy Savings
Lower Water Heating Temperature for Energy Savings
Reduce Hot Water Use for Energy Savings
Insulate Hot Water Pipes for Energy Savings
Drain-Water Heat Recovery
Insulate Your Water Heater Tank for Energy Savings
Select a New Water Heater.

If you have an electric water heater, you can save an additional 5%–12% of energy by installing a timer that turns it off at night when you don't use hot water and/or during your utility's peak demand times.
Contact your utility to see if it offers a demand management program. Some utilities offer "time of use" electricity rates that vary according to the demand on their system.

Recipe: Hominy Grits Casserole

Serves 6

1 C hominy grits
3 C milk
1 t salt
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 C water
6 T butter
1 C grated cheddar or Monterey Jack Cheese
½ C canned green chilies, rinsed & chopped

Preheat the oven to 350°F. Stir the hominy grits into the milk in a saucepan, add the salt, and cook over medium heat, stirring often so the mixture doesn't scorch. When it is thick, remove from the heat and add the eggs and water, stirring vigorously. Return to the burner and cook until thickened again. Stir in the butter, cheese, and
chilies. Spread in a casserole and bake for 30 minutes.