Funny: Some jokes - Marriage

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

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If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

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A man calls into the police station and says,

"My wife is missing."The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream,

then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

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Funny: Some jokes

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"

***********

*Lost Wife*

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

***********

*Teacher*

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

***********

*Hearing*

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Funny: Some jokes

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS,
light-speed processing .... and..."

...pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you -
arrogant little - what are you doing for the next generation?"

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There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal.

There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

Joke: Parrot and man of the house

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that read $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought, "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new hookers."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

Funny: Some jokes

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalised.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'


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A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam

The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.

1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer

When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc I'm a little confused.

This is my first exam I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........

"Dammit, Helen! I said A BUTT LIGHT"

Funny: Some jokes

An Irishman walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, Murph, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hm?"

The Irishman says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives.

The Irishman comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

The Irishman looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me too?"

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Joe was getting along in years and his eyes were not what they used to be.

He began having trouble finding his ball on the course and mentioned it to the club pro.

"You should team up with one of the other older gents who has better eyesight." the pro told him.

"Old Lester has terrific vision. He can watch your ball and tell you where it landed."

So Joe contacts Lester and they agree to make twosome the next day.

The next day comes around and Joe tees up. "Watch my ball, Lester. I can't see too well, so I need you to tell me where it lands."

"Okay." says Lester.

WHACK! Joe drives the ball straight as an arrow down the fairway. "Did you see where it landed?" he asks Lester.

"Yep." Lester replies.

"Where?"

"Uh ... ya know, I can't seem to remember...."

Joke: The lady mathematician

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public.

One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do".

He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you."

She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over.

"The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started.

"Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained.

She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check.

The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath,

"...plus a constant."