Joke: Couple of jokes

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?"

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

------------------

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this
stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken" answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so
happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied:

"Somewhere in here, there's got to be a pony!"

Joke: The new stwewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Humor: Aging baby boomers

SONGS FOR AGING BABY BOOMERS

Herman’s Hermits­“Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker

The Rolling Stones­“You Can’t Always Pee When You Want”

Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"

Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"

ABBA--"Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

The Commodores --"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom

Joke: Wife and mother

A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her.

He called his mother to share his good news with her.

He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee.

When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

His mother inquired as to why he had brought THREE women, instead of just one.

He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law.

She looked at each one carefully and then replied: "It's the redhead."

"How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired.

She coldly replied, "Because I can't stand HER."

Joke: New cat

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."

Joke: Idiot

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom
than usual, saying, "You're an idiot.

You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot.

If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."

"Why would I come in second?" her husband asked.

She replied, "Because you're an idiot!"

-------------------

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab,
when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asked her mother,
"Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

To which the mother replied, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turned to the mother and said, "Aw, C'mon lady! Tell your
daughter the truth, for crying out loud! They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence followed, and the daughter then asked, "Mummy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replied, "Of course, dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

--------------------

Two bachelors were talking. One said to the other, "I got a cookbook the other day, but I can't do any of the recipes."

"Why? Are they too difficult?" asked the second.

"No," the first replied. "It's just that they all start with the same thing: 'Take a clean dish...'"

Joke: How to sell a Bible

Three boys look for a summer job. Their preacher agrees to let them sell Bibles door to door, though he's hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffers from a speech impediment.

After the first week of work they all meet at the church. The preacher asks the boys, "How many Bibles did you sell?"

The first boy says, "35."

The second boy says, "75."

The boy with the speech impediment says, "I-I-I s-s-sold 175."

The preacher is amazed and asks the boy how he did it.

The boy says, "I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them, or I'd r-r-read it to t-t-them."

Funny: Some jokes

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided  this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful
animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with
companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. . So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. . So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."

-----------------

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."

Funny: Some jokes

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said,

"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said,

"Is that ruddy nun out there again?"

-----------------

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Funny: Some jokes

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor! That's why I want the divorce." he replied.

--------------

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.

To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.

A year later the young man returned home.

"Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."

"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.

"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a
Christian."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi.

"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a
Christian. What is happening to our sons?"

"Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds
opened and a mighty voice stated,

"Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel....."

Funny: Some jokes

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

--------------

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...  OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

--------------

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband.

It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

Funny: Some jokes

A film crew was on location in the desert. One day an old Native American Indian Chief went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained.

A week later, the chief went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This guy is incredible!" said the director. He told his secretary to hire him to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old chief didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,"

said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The chief shrugged. "Don't know. Radio broke."

-------------

St. Peter is standing at Heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to Heaven, my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St. Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to Heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to Heaven, my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St. Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into Paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to Heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St. Peter asked.

"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent, my son. I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"

Funny: Some jokes

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him. 

-------------------

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.

Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive . . ."

---------------------

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

Funny: Some jokes

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

--------------

THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something, Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN' S VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody don't ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
instantaneously. ..
and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST' S VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

Funny: Some jokes

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal...

------------------

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling
despondent.

As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you'veseen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know about cars!"

Funny: Some jokes

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

-----------------

Snow White received a camera as a gift.

She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc.

She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed.

"How long before they're ready?" Snow asked the clerk.

He informed her it would be at least 6 days, as they had to send it to the Big City to be processed (remember, they didn't have 1-hour processing OR FedEx back then!)

After a week, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk told her they were not yet back from the processor.

"Come back next week", he said to her. Of course, as the story goes, she returned the following week for her 4x6 glossies, but they still had not returned!

Snow White was so distraught that she started to sob right there at thecounter.

The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly, "Don't worry, Dear...

Someday your prints will come."

Funny: Some jokes

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't."

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't."

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.

Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."

The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"

---------------

This lady called to make reservations on a small charter plane. She knew she would be flying in a very small plane, so she wasn't surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers."

Then he asked, "How much do you weigh, Ma'am?"

Not thinking clearly, she answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

Funny: Some jokes

To Tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the is at the door and he is hot and thirsty, it's probably hot and sunny.

If the dog is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably
raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,

The Snuggles the Cat

--------------

My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school.

One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later.

At 11:00 am., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.

The last call came in at 3:30 pm. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?"

"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"

--------------

"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life-insurance salesman asked his client.

"What do you mean?" countered the woman.

"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?" asked the salesman.

The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, "Probably a poodle."

Funny: Some jokes

Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car, again.

The next week they are having breakfast, again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park ...........," then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

---------------

Every time the man next door headed toward Kevin's house, Kevin knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Kevin to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbour began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Kevin with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbour, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

-------------

Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk.

One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?"

He answered, "I hunt unicorns."

The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?"

The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me.

The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."

The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"

Funny: Some jokes

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

"You must answer the telephone!" he told her irritably.

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!”

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A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed: "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age.”

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While hiking in the countryside, my friend Eve and I spotted a huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered a large basketful and sautéed them that night. My husband Phil refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous.

Two weeks later, Eve and I gathered some more mushrooms. This time, Phil joined us.

"How is it that you're eating these mushrooms tonight," I asked, "when you wouldn't touch the ones we brought home 2 weeks ago? "What changed your mind?"

"I thought about it," Phil explained seriously, "and I figured it would be better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women in my home.”

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Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.

While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far.”