Joke: Couple of jokes

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?"

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

------------------

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this
stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken" answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so
happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied:

"Somewhere in here, there's got to be a pony!"

Joke: The new stwewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Humor: Aging baby boomers

SONGS FOR AGING BABY BOOMERS

Herman’s Hermits­“Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker

The Rolling Stones­“You Can’t Always Pee When You Want”

Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"

Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"

ABBA--"Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

The Commodores --"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom

Joke: Wife and mother

A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her.

He called his mother to share his good news with her.

He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee.

When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

His mother inquired as to why he had brought THREE women, instead of just one.

He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law.

She looked at each one carefully and then replied: "It's the redhead."

"How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired.

She coldly replied, "Because I can't stand HER."

Joke: New cat

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."

Joke: Idiot

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom
than usual, saying, "You're an idiot.

You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot.

If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."

"Why would I come in second?" her husband asked.

She replied, "Because you're an idiot!"

-------------------

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab,
when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asked her mother,
"Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

To which the mother replied, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turned to the mother and said, "Aw, C'mon lady! Tell your
daughter the truth, for crying out loud! They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence followed, and the daughter then asked, "Mummy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replied, "Of course, dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

--------------------

Two bachelors were talking. One said to the other, "I got a cookbook the other day, but I can't do any of the recipes."

"Why? Are they too difficult?" asked the second.

"No," the first replied. "It's just that they all start with the same thing: 'Take a clean dish...'"

Joke: How to sell a Bible

Three boys look for a summer job. Their preacher agrees to let them sell Bibles door to door, though he's hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffers from a speech impediment.

After the first week of work they all meet at the church. The preacher asks the boys, "How many Bibles did you sell?"

The first boy says, "35."

The second boy says, "75."

The boy with the speech impediment says, "I-I-I s-s-sold 175."

The preacher is amazed and asks the boy how he did it.

The boy says, "I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them, or I'd r-r-read it to t-t-them."