My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important stuff.
If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty.
Monday, January 31, 2011
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease:
Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
Your cow takes up painting and wants to wear an earring.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool
Your cow starts smoking grass rather than eating it.
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started
feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something
sexy this time.
Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!
Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the
nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Do men just play dumb when it comes to cleaning?
Is this an obvious attempt to avoid any sort of housework?
I used to think so, but now I think it may have something to do with
a testosterone brain block or something.
Broom (brum) - a long handled brush used for sweeping (also doubles
as a mode of transportation for your mother)
Vacuum (vak' u em) - much like the leaf blower except it sucks in,
instead of blowing out. Don't let this alarm you. It isn't broken and
doesn't need more torque, speed, RAM or whatever it is you did to the
Dust Pan (DUH) - Contrary to popular belief, this is where you sweep
the dirt, not under the hallway area rug.
Dust Cloth (dust kloth) - A cloth designated for removing tiny
particles of dirt from every flat surface of the house. Hint: look
for your old "lucky shirt".
Bucket (buk' it) - Cylindric container used for holding soapy water
when mopping the floor. Also known as your mid-evil knight helmet
when you're playing with our seven-year-old.
Mop (mop) - a bundle of coarse yarn, rags or cloth fastened at the
end of a stick. You'll remember this as your dance partner at the New
Year's Eve party last year.
Toilet Brush (toi' lit brush) - Used for scrubbing the inside of the
toilet bowl. I don't care what this looks like, you may NOT use my
shower luffa again!
Oven Cleaner (uv' en Klen' er) - No, not the teenager. This is an
actual product that you buy, spray in the oven and wipe out two hours
later. You won't need your welder's mask for this task, but if it
makes you feel more dangerous, go ahead.
Sponge (spunj) - used to gently wash away food particles from
dinnerware. It won't be necessary to use your 300psi Power wash set.
That was given to you in hopes of cleaning the exterior of the house
Squeegee (skwe' je) - Same principle as washing the car windshield,
and yes, real men do squeegee!
Final Note: While Duct tape may be a wonderful plumbers aid, it's
really not the best solution for keeping the bathroom towels in
place, and Jamie's teacher is still asking why his homework was stuck
to his forehead last week. For these reasons, I have hidden the duct
tape and distributed your picture to the local hardware stores. Don't
make me call Duct Tape Anonymous again.
Take your time, everything will be fine. If you need me, I'll be in
the basement cleaning up the smoke damage from your "do it yourself"
electrical rewiring incident last week.
Friday, January 28, 2011
After a long life of unselfish service, Father John O'Malley died and went to heaven. Saint Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and said, "John, you did such a wonderful job for us on Earth, we'd like to do something special for you. You name it, it's yours."
John thought for a moment and said, "I'd like a private audience with the Holy Mother."
Saint Peter told him that it would be arranged.
On the appointed day, Saint Peter escorted John to the Holy Mother's sanctuary. John went before Her, knelt and said, "Holy Mother, I've always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were made of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that?"
Mary thought for a moment pursing her lips. She then said, "I always wanted a girl."
Thursday, January 27, 2011
A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."
The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"
Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will all students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by her well-meaning husband.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in their Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister? If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot to look for Chris' missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.
Doris: Don't panic over the water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to the following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?
I don't know what you're having for lunch. Surprise me!
Hey: Don't drink from the pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be done, the house cleaned and dinner on time. I called your mother.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A man owned a small farm in South Georgia . The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
"You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."
"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."
"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.
"Yeah," the farmer said. "This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."
"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that man!"
"Speaking," said the farmer.
Monday, January 24, 2011
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
DA: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
LOL: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front veranda, on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up and sat down beside me.
DA: Did you know him?
LOL: No, but he sure was friendly.
DA: What happened after he sat down?
LOL: He started to rub my thigh.
DA: Did you stop him?
LOL: No, I didn't stop him.
DA: Why not?
LOL: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband died some 30 years ago.
DA: What happened next?
LOL: He began to rub my breasts.
DA: Did you stop him then?
LOL: No, I did not stop him.
DA: Why not?
LOL: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
DA: What happened next?
LOL: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just lay down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
DA: Did he take you?
LOL: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"... And that's when I shot the little bastard!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Makes 4 servings
Time: about 40 minutes
As taught to me many years ago by my good friend Peter Cheng, who made this daily for thirty years. All of the dried ingredients can be found in any Asian market and many supermarkets.
1 whole chicken breast, bone-in, about 1 lb, skin & excess fat removed
6 C chicken stock or water
5 dried lily buds, available at Asian markets
3 or 4 dried cloud ear or tree ear fungus, available at Asian markets
3 or 4 dried shiitake (sometimes labeled "black") mushrooms
½ lb soft or firm tofu, cut into ½-inch cubes
1 T soy sauce
2 T rice or white vinegar
½ t freshly ground black pepper, plus more to taste
Salt to taste
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 T cornstarch mixed with 2 T water (optional)
1 T dark sesame oil
Minced scallions for garnish
Tabasco or other bottled hot sauce or hot sesame oil
Place the chicken and the stock together in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to high. When the stock or water boils, reduce the heat to medium-low and partially cover. Cook for 20 minutes, or until the chicken is just cooked through. Meanwhile, soak the lily buds, fungus, and shiitakes in hot water to cover until soft, 10 to 15 minutes; if the water cools before the shiitakes soften, drain and add more hot water.
Remove the chicken and, as soon as it is cool enough to handle, strip the meat from the bones and chop it. Trim and shred the lily buds, trim and mince the fungus and mushrooms, and add all of this to the simmering broth. Return the chicken meat to the broth, along with the tofu, soy sauce, vinegar, and plenty of pepper---at least ½ teaspoon.
Taste and add more soy sauce, salt, pepper, and/or vinegar if necessary. Raise the heat a little bit and stir eggs into the soup, followed, if you like, by the cornstarch, which will thicken the already fairly thick mixture even more. Float the sesame oil on top of the soup, garnish, and serve, passing hot sauce or hot oil at the table.
Friday, January 21, 2011
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without
a torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes
his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then
to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where
a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says,
"That boy should have quit while he was a head."
Thursday, January 20, 2011
It was a stormy Christmas night, and inside the tiny cottage on the
Yorkshire moors, an elderly couple sat around a roaring fire.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. The old man answered it, and
found a very bedraggled man, exhausted and shivering.
"Thank God you're in," said the stranger. "I've been walking for
hours. I'm lost, and the snow is so deep. Can I rest here for a while?"
"Why certainly," replied the old man. "Come and sit by the fire."
The stranger gratefully accepted the invitation. As he walked in to
the lounge, he saw the old lady, and beside her an attractive
19-year-old blonde. "I'm Walter, by the way," said the old man. "This
is my wife Mary and my daughter Ida who's come to stay for Christmas."
After a glass of whiskey, the old man said, "Well, it's getting late,
and I suggest we all retire. I'm afraid that all the beds are taken,
but you're welcome to sleep on the sofa." The young man said, 'Thank
you' and lay down.
About an hour later, Walter was lying in bed, and turned to his wife,
and said, "It's a very cold night. I'll see if that young man would
like a blanket." So he went into the lounge, and asked, "Would you
like a blanket, young man?"
"Oh no, Walter I'm fine"
"Well, what about a hot water bottle?"
"No, no, there's really no need," he replied.
"Alright, then, how about having our eiderdown?"
"My God, you certainly know how to look after strangers," he gasped.
"She's been down twice already."
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Top 10 things to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:
10) Hey! There's a gift.
9.) Well, well, well...
8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.
7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!
5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts
1.) I really don't deserve this.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to
the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and
asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer.
The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of
pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw.
The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"
"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."
Monday, January 17, 2011
lease accept with no obligation implied, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion or secular traditions of all.
And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great, (not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "Britain" in the Western Hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these term: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable provided there is no alteration to the original. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to repair of this wish or issuance of a replacement wish at the sole desecration of the wisher.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your
gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber, and the IRS.
May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere during rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space.
May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead.
You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may your checkbook and your budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for your mosque / church / temple and charities.
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, and your parent(s). You can say it to your secretary, your nurse, your butcher, your photographer, your masseuse, your seamstress, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor, but not with a "twinkle" in your eye.
Bless you with every happiness, great health, peace, and much love during the next year and all those that follow.
And I simply would add to that, the following:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Saturday, January 15, 2011
You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When...
1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table
Friday, January 14, 2011
To: All Employees
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for
her business so she did a lot of flying.
But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with
her to read and it helped relax her.
One time she was sitting next to a man.
When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went
back to what he was doing.
After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all
that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven
I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
"Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle of the night feeding?"
"No. I always did that."
"That must have been before you had women's liberation."
"No, it was before we had baby bottles."
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong... Hi Dan!"
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand dollars, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Housework done properly can kill you.
Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden , moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will this 'woman' cost?"
God replied, "That will cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Sunday, January 9, 2011
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco . The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take Him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, " Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Lef
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
ls more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks with God
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God if special request is approved
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Is occasionally addressed by God
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury
Talks to animals
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Is not issued ammunition
Talks to walls
Runs into buildings
Recognizes a locomotive two out of three times
Wets himself with a water pistol
Can't stay afloat without a life preserver
Mumbles to himself
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She is God
Friday, January 7, 2011
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Two women friends had gone for a *Girls Night Out*, but had been
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them
suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
knickers and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was
wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers
but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on
one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.
They then made off for home.
The next day one woman's husband phoned the other
husband and said "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife
came home last night without her knickers."
"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back
with a card stuck between the cheeks of her bum
that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'."
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a
teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common
Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting
on them hand and foot.
You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right
mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your
teen will ever crack a smile.
No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving, barely breathing.
Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that
ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return
in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom.
Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not
other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a
guidebook on cats at hand at all times.
And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any
sudden moves in their direction.
When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some
affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Makes 4 servings
Time: 1 hour
A traditional stew of northern France.
½ C minced bacon
1 large onions, roughly chopped
About 1 lb baking potatoes, peeled & cut into small chunks
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
1 t fresh thyme leaves or ½ t dried thyme
6 C fish or chicken stock, preferably warmed
About 2 lbs fillets or steaks of white fish, cut into chunks
Juice of 1 lemon
Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish
Place the bacon in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium-high. Cook, stirring, until it is crisp, about 10 minutes. Remove with a slotted spoon and set aside.
Turn the heat to medium and cook the onions in the bacon fat, stirring, until softened, about 5 minutes. Add the potatoes and cook, stirring occasionally, until they are well mixed with the onions and covered with fat. Season with salt, pepper, and thyme; stir, then add the stock.
Cook over medium heat until the potatoes are just tender, about 15 minutes.
Add the fish and cook another 5 to 10 minutes, until the fish is opaque and tender but not falling apart. Add the lemon juice, ladle into bowls, garnish, and serve.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Makes about 3 quarts
Time: about 1 hour
This makes a delicious stock, and gives you perfectly cooked chicken to add to any of the following chicken soups.
3 quarts any chicken stock
1 small chicken or 2 or 3 lbs chicken parts, skin and all visible fat removed, rinsed and patted dry with paper towels
1 carrot, peeled and cut into chunks
1 clove garlic, peeled (optional)
Several sprigs fresh parsley or dill
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Combine all ingredients except salt and pepper in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium-high. Bring just about to a boil, then turn the heat to medium-low and partially cover; adjust the heat so the mixture sends up a few bubbles at a time.
Chicken parts will be done in 30 to 40 minutes, whole chicken in 45 to 60 minutes. Strain the stock. Remove the meat from the bones and either return it to the stock or reserve for another use. Season the stock with salt and pepper and use immediately, refrigerate for 4 to 5 days (longer if you boil it every third day), or freeze.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Makes 4 servings
Time: about 30 minutes
A Greek standard with plenty of rice and chicken---more of a stew than a soup.
6 C chicken stock
½ C long-grain rice or orzo
1 carrot, peeled & cut into thin slices
1 celery stalk, minced
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
2 C shredded or chopped cooked boneless skinless chicken
3 T freshly squeezed lemon juice, plus more if desired
Minced fresh dill or parsley leaves for garnish
Place the stock in a large saucepan and turn the heat to medium-high. When it is just about boiling, turn the heat down to medium so that it just bubbles. Stir in the rice, carrot, and celery and cook, stirring occasionally, until they are all tender, about 20 minutes. Season with salt and pepper and add the chicken. Turn the heat to low.
Place the eggs in a blender and whir for 10 seconds; add the lemon juice and blend briefly. With the motor running, drizzle in about 2 cups of the hot soup. Pour this mixture back into the soup, stirring, and cook briefly, until the soup is slightly thickened, just a couple of minutes; do not boil. Taste and adjust seasoning (you may add more lemon juice if you like). Garnish and serve.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Makes 4 servings
Time: 30 minutes
This is a thin chicken soup with the rice, meat, and vegetables acting as a garnish rather than a major player; see the variation if you want something more substantial. Use orzo or other tiny pasta, angel hair or other thin noodles, ribbons or other egg noodles, or other cooked grains in place of the rice.
5 to 6 C chicken stock
½ C long-grain rice or pasta
1 celery stalk, minced (optional)
1 C raw or cooked chopped boneless skinless chicken, or more
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Minced fresh parsley or dill leaves for garnish
Place the stock in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium-high. When it is just about boiling, turn the heat down to medium so that it bubbles but not too vigorously. Stir in the rice, carrot, and celery and cook, stirring occasionally, until they are all tender, about 20 minutes.
Stir in the chicken. If it is raw, cook another 5 to 8 minutes, until it is cooked. If it is cooked, cook 2 or 3 minutes, or until it is hot. Season with salt and pepper, garnish, and serve.