I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Coffee, chocolate, men: some things are just better rich.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
And your point is...?
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
Sorry if I look interested. I'm not
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.
6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
Monday, May 10, 2010
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox sneaked up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.
"Wait!" replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out. A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick--in the head. You might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions."
So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole and never came out. The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis.. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the
left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
The moral of the story:
The title of your thesis doesn't matter. The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter. All that matters is who your advisor is.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice Doggie!"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....
1. "Are We There Yet?"
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs don't laugh at how you throw.
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Rule No. 1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule No. 2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule No. 3: In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule No. 4: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull through and take it from him.
Rule No. 5: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.
Rule No. 6: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule No. 7: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule No. 8: When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.
Rule No. 9: When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule No. 10: If you have handicapped license plates, use up a regular parking spot.
Rule No. 11: If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy," and park somewhere else.
Rule No. 12: If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule No. 13: When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule No. 14: When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule No. 15: Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule No. 16: Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule No. 17: If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
Rule No. 18: When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule No. 19: When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
Rule No. 20: When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, the word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. This also goes for most liberals.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. If anybody cares how you dance, feel sorry for him or her. They need to get a life and learn how to have fun. And notice that people who dance and cut loose once in a while, usually live longer.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. (the person that sent me this list erased # 12, now I'm wondering what it said)
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
19. Don't think that because a person is having fun, they are drinking to excess. Some people have fun naturally given the moment and you need to find out how they do it.
20. Your friends love you anyway...
~ When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
~ St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
~ Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
~ It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
~ The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
~ A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
~ The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
~ One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
~ When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
~ St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.