A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting
for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight
machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a
try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card
that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lb. and you are going to Chicago,
Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it
probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that
read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois
and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know
that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my
life," She sat
down again. From no where, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case
down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing
beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said,
"This is incredible. I've got to try it again,"
Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It
said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois
and you're going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong;
"I've never broke wind in public a day in my life! "Well, she tripped, fell
off the scales and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself,
"This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It
said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around
and missed your flight to Chicago.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a
car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes?'
Biker: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?'
Driver: 'No I haven't'
The Biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he
knocks on the window.
The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes?'
Biker: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?'
Driver: 'No I haven't'
Then suddenly there is a curve, the Biker sees it too late.
He crashes off the road into a ditch.
A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky Biker. Covered in blood and
surely dying, the Biker asks: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?'
'Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years'.
The Biker says: "Tell me, where are the brakes?'
As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted
wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the
roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.
Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge
of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house,
resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting
pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves.
A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the
man. He was alive, but badly hurt.
The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.
The man's injuries were serious enough hat he spent six weeks in the
On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced
that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.
"What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling
off my own roof?"
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off
the edge of your roof without a permit. ... That's a clear case of
My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college
in the fall.
He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again
until the February break.
When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he
looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches.
My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that
you'd grown?" I asked him.
"Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured
everything had shrunk."
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry."
"Sherry is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What did you think," snapped the little man, "that my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
When I was a child, my family used to often take our vacations in British Columbia . We had a favorite place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was at a lake that was about 30 miles long and a ½ mile wide.
While we were around our campfire in the evenings, the local Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They would also tell of the legends of the area. This one legend always stuck in my mind:
It seemed that on this particular lake, two Indian tribes made their homes. They were, however, at war with one another from years before. There was an Indian maiden in one camp who was in love with a young brave in the other camp, and they used to stand on the shore of their respective side of the lake and chant Indian love calls to each other even though they were warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever become of their love.
One day, they just couldn't stand being apart any longer. That evening, on a cold fall night, they each jumped into the lake and swam towards each other in the moonlight.
When they reached each other in in the middle of the lake, they embraced and very quickly froze to death. This act so impressed the brave's tribe that they named the lake after the young man.
I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent at Lake Stupid.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
You would have lists of beautiful locations, incredibly designed buildings, and other such things; so why not the converse ? Why not a list of ugly buildings ? This is a bit more controversial, because while people can dispute a list of beautiful buildings, they can get offended if you call a building in their locality to be ugly.
However, Virtual Tourist has published a second such list (link).
A sampling of some of the buildings they identified:
1) Morris A. Mechanic Theater; Baltimore, Maryland
2) Zizkov TV Tower; Prague, Czech Republic
3) Parliament Building; Wellington, New Zealand
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Atlas helps you focus on what's unique about your application, whether you're targeting the Desktop, the Web, or both.
• Runs in a browser
• Includes a design surface
• Has some novel UI for hooking up databindings
• They also show off a handful of components that they wire up to do things like “read an RSS feed”.
Link and download.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
· Salmonella won’t be a concern.
· Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
· Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
· Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
· Pets won’t bother to pester you for scraps.
· No one will overeat.
· The smoke alarm was due for a test.
· Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
· You’ll get to the desserts even quicker.
· After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play
· The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
· You won’t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
PLAYBOOK: Also known as my cookbook, to be kept in plain sight at all times. If the book gets moved, the game could get ugly.
OFFSIDES: Silverware is to be set next to the plates -- off to the side, dear, not tossed in the middle of the table in a heap, for all to scramble for.
GAME TIME: This is when the food must all be on the table, at the same time, at the same temperature (preferably hot) so that the *teams* may meet at the arena (Table) for the coach to say the prayer.
TEAM SPIRIT: That which shall be upheld until the END of the game. When the coach (ME) has heard the fat lady sing (AUNT MARTHA saying that she's had enough to eat).
COMMERCIAL BREAKS: There will be NONE for us, until I deem them totally necessary for my sanity, when you have made me crazy!
PENALTIES: Will be given if there is no team spirit showing and the game time is DELAYED or offsides have occurred due to a certain *televised* football game engaging your attention!
HOLDING: May be necessary of several large bowls, so that I may pour gravy without staining my new silk blouse. And keep in mind dear, I am HOLDING the clicker for the T.V. for ransom ;).
TOUCHDOWNS: Please make them gentle when bowls are being touched down on the table. Do not spike them, and do not dance when the mission is complete!
FLAG ON THE PLAY: When something is spilled, PLEASE by all means throw a towel down on it and mop it up!
RUSHING: What we will be doing a lot of!!
GROOMING THE FIELD: Dear husband, if you help me through this meal, as I know you will, I promise to RECRUIT new players for the clean up and YES... in plenty of time for you to enjoy the REAL GAME!!!
If you feel nostalgic for the older games that you used to play with when you were younger, then there is the perfect site for you - http://www.gog.com/en/frontpage/.
Longing to spend some long, passionate nights with your favorite games of yesteryear? We’re proud to present GOG.com, the site where it's all about Good Old Games and the people that play them.
Fallout2, Duke Nukem 3D, etc
You won't find any intrusive copy protection in our games; we hate draconian DRM schemes just as much as you do, so at GOG.com you don't just buy the game, you actually own it. Once you download a game, you can install it on any PC and re-download it whenever you want, as many times as you need, and you can play it without an internet connection.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
*Q.* What do lawyers use for birth control?
*A.* Their personalities.
*Q.* What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
*A.* A tick falls off of you when you die.
*Q.* Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
*A.* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
*Q.* What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
*A.* Not enough sand.
*Q.* What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
*A.* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
*Q.* What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
*A.* A Doberman.
*Q.* What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
*A.* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
*Q.* Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
*A.* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "Tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: "Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: "Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:"White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst"
Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)
Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 rd Rank Opted for IFS)
Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and fourapples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant withone hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs, He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)
Q. What looks like half apple?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A : Dinner.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off,
kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or
behaving like one.
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend who used to work with him asked him
how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but
what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a Pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and blurted out, "You'd be his wife!"
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
(Print and give copy to each guest that enters your home.)
1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.
2. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little butts to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will tear their butts up and you better not ask why!
3. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.
4. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be asked to stay your greedy butt home next year!
5. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding. And why are you making plates before you eat? You never bring a dish or offer a dime do you?
6. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
7. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call CPS!
8. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and go home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
9. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!
* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
* The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
* Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
* Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
* Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
* Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.
* Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
* If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
* Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
* If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
* Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
* If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
* Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
* Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
* Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
* A closed mouth gathers no feet.
* There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
* Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
* Never miss a good chance to shut up.
* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
* Sister in law always appears to be the most beautiful woman.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
* The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
* Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Silverlight is a technology being pushed by Microsoft to compete with the Flash technology owned by Adobe, and which forms a prominent presence on a larger number of websites. The competition to Flash is getting strong, since Microsoft is pushing Silverlight through many of its tools and websites, and is also putting marketing muscle behind this effort. However, it is a tough fight, and if you read this experience by a long time Flash developer, there is much that Microsoft needs to do to improve itself (link to article):
A recent new project at my job prompted me to learn and begin working with your Silverlight products and platform. Here are my notes, some suffering points, some compliments, and overall suggestions for how to improve your relatively new process for building RIAs.
In closing, I realize that much of my issues may be a result of my not being a seasoned Microsoft and/or C# developer. Perhaps those familiar with your workflow and tools can find their way in and out of these shotgun issues much easier. I consider this, but then realize, aren’t you going after developers just like me? Aren’t you looking to give me a broader choice of tools and platform when I need to deploy a rich application?
Behavior Driven Management strives to ensure that all the people in the software chain, including developers, QE, analysts, and product management all speak the same language. There have been a number of efforts in this direction, taking it forward from TestDrivenDevelopment and AcceptanceTestDrivenPlanning. Read more at this link.
BDD relies on the use of a very specific (and small) vocabulary to minimise miscommunication and to ensure that everyone – the business, developers, testers, analysts and managers – are not only on the same page but using the same words. For people familiar with the concept of DomainDrivenDesign, you could consider BDD to be a UbiquitousLanguage for software development.
It must be stressed that BDD is a rephrasing of existing good practice, it is not a radically new departure. Its aim is to bring together existing, well-established techniques under a common banner and with a consistent and unambiguous terminology. BDD is very much focused on “Getting the words right” and this focus is intended to produce a vocabulary that is accurate, accessible, descriptive and consistent.
In fact “Getting the words right” was the starting point for the development of BDD, and is still very much at its core, but the power of getting the words right has led to some insights and extrapolations that have helped us to better understand our approach and to extend it.
Cucumber lets software development teams describe how software should behave in plain text. The text is written in a business-readable domain-specific language and serves as documentation, automated tests and development-aid - all rolled into one format.
Cucumber works with Ruby, Java, .NET, Flex or web applications written in any language. It has been translated to over 30 spoken languages. Cucumber allows you to write feature documentation in Plain Text. It means you could sit with your Client or Business Analyst to write down the features to be build on your application.
You can get more documentation at this link.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Finding the right web designer for your project can be a big pain. It would be good to have a site that shows web designer availability across cities, and across price points. Well, Haystack (link) is one such service.
From the site:
If you're like most web designers, you have a great site but you're having a hard time getting qualified leads to visit your site. Haystack is here to help drive potential clients to your site. We promote Haystack to thousands of businesses, they find your work on Haystack, and then we direct them to your site so you can finish wowing them. Haystack helps them find you so you can do your magic.
Does it cost anything to hire a firm I found on Haystack?
No. Haystack isn't involved in any financial transactions between a firm and a client, and there's no fee to browse or hire anyone via Haystack. Transactions and negotiations are handled off Haystack. Haystack is just a place for clients to meet firms - after that everyone is on their own.
Photoshop.com is a Flex / Flash based online application where you can upload your photos (either directly on the site, or from Adobe Photoshop Elements). Sometime back, a version of the site that was meant for use on mobile phones was first released on the iPhone, and now it has been released for the Android version. Read more about it at this link.
Perfect your pictures with the Photoshop.com Mobile App on your Android phone. Simply drag your finger to crop, adjust color, apply effects—you name it.
- Crop, rotate, and color-correct with the touch of a finger.
- Add soft focus or change to black & white with a click.
- Go classic by adding a sepia tint.
- Intuitive Photo Browser for viewing local and online images.
A new app available, both on the iPhone platform, as well as otherwise for normal users. What does junaio (link) promise ?
junaio is a mobile and online augmented reality platform that allows you to create, explore and share information in a completely new way. You will be able to see any kind of location-based content – images, websites or notes – on your personal junaio homepage and through the display of your mobile phone. junaio is bringing the Internet to the real world around you… Now!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they
got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as
long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and
I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask,
"What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries
to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a
rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do
it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you
be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get
out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card
number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't
sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the
receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she
will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the
Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say,
"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer
will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them
on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food
loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably
tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come
on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . .
louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
My Mother's father worked as a carpenter..
On this particular day, he was building some crates for the clothes
his church was sending to orphanages in China.
On his way home, he reached into his shirt pocket to find his
glasses, but they were gone. When he mentally replayed his earlier
actions, he realized what had happened; the glasses had slipped out
of his pocket unnoticed and fallen into one of the crates, which he
had nailed shut.
His brand new glasses were heading for China!
The Great Depression was at its height and Grandpa had six children.
He had spent $20 for those glasses that very morning.
He was upset by the thought of having to buy another pair. "It's not
fair," he told God as he drove home in frustration.
"I've been very faithful in giving of my time and money to your work,
and now this." Months later, the director of the orphanage was on
furlough in the United States.
He wanted to visit all the churches that supported him in China, so
he came to speak one Sunday at my grandfather's small church in
The missionary began by thanking the people for their faithfulness in
supporting the orphanage. "But most of all," he said,
"I must thank you for the glasses you sent last year. You see, the
Communists had just swept through the orphanage, destroying
everything, including my glasses. I was desperate. Even if I had the
money, there was simply no way of replacing those glasses.
Along with not being able to see well, I experienced headaches every
day, so my coworkers and I were much in prayer about this.
Then your crates arrived. When my staff removed the covers, they
found a pair of glasses lying on top.
The missionary paused long enough to let his words sink in.
Then, still gripped with the wonder of it all, he continued:
"Folks, when I tried on the glasses, it was as though they had been
custom made just for me!
I want to thank you for being a part of that."
The people listened, happy for the miraculous glasses.
But the missionary surely must have confused their church with
another, they thought. There were no glasses on their list of items
to be sent overseas.
But sitting quietly in the back, with tears streaming down his face,
an ordinary carpenter realized the Master Carpenter had used him in
an extraordinary way. There are times we want to blame God instead of
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.
The priest then asked him again, " Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."
Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"
Again, the reply was, " I can't hear you."
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"
To which the priest replied, "By golly, you're right, you can't hear in here!"
A photo mosaic can be a beautiful photo creation, with a composite photo being created from multiple photos, with the individual photos being used as tiles that together make the mosaic. You would need good tools to create these, and an example of a software that you can use for this purpose is called AndreaMosaic (link). From the site:
With AndreaMosaic you can create your own photographic mosaics made with your own pictures. A photo mosaic is an image composed of many tiled photos.
AndreaMosaic is a little program for to create mosaics made with photographs. To create such kind of mosaic you need a collection of images to use for the tiles of the mosaic and you also need an image to use for the original, as a matrix for the mosaics. Then you can set the parameters of the program for to create very different kind of mosaics.
Tutorials available on this page (link).
* Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
* Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
* Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
* Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
* Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
* Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
* If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
* Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
* Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
* Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
* Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
* Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
* How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
* When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot!"?
* Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
* In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
* How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
* If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
* And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
And my FAVORITE......
* The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three bestfriends, if they're okay, then it's you.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
A government worker is like a shotgun with a broken firing pin -- It won't work and you can't fire it.
WHAT A MAN EXPECTS
~ She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
~ She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
~ She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
~ Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
~ She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
~ She will insist that moving the furniture by
herself, it's good for her figure.
~ She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning
house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
~ Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and putting out the bins.
~ She will hate charge cards.
~ Her favorite expression will be,"What can I do for you, honey?"
~ She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. Universe.
~ She will wish you would go out with the boys so
that she could get some sewing done.
~ She will love you because you're so sexy.
WHAT HE USUALLY GETS
~ She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
~ She was once a model for a totem pole.
~ Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
~ She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
~ She lets you know you only have two faults:
everything you do, and everything you say.
~ No matter what she does with it, her hair looks
like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
~ If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.
Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
Really means: He's a bully.
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide.
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome.
Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.
The admissions interviewer at the school said, "I shall ask you either ten
easy questions or just one really difficult question. Think well before you
make up your mind!"
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is one really difficult
"Well, good luck to you. You have made your own choice! Now tell me this:
What comes first, day or night?"
The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the correctness
of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's the day, sir!"
"How did you determine that?" the interviewer asked.
"Sorry, sir. You promised me that you would ask me only one difficult
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
- To improve his bite.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
- Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
- With scare spray.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
- No, they eat the fingers separately.
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
- Because they don't have anybody to go out with.
What is a vampire's favorite sport?
What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
- A cereal killer.
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
- Dead ends.
What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
- A stake sandwich.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
- A trombone.
What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
- They have bat breath.
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
- He heard it had great circulation.
Why don't mummies go on vacation?
- They are afraid that they might relax and unwind
There was this little girl sitting by herself in the park. Everyone passed
by her and never stopped to see why she looked so sad.
Dressed in a worn pink dress, barefoot and dirty, the girl just sat and
watched the people go by. She never tried to speak. She never said a word.
Many people passed by her, but no one would stop.
The next day I decided to go back to the park in curiosity to see If the
little girl would still be there.
Yes, she was there, right in the very spot where she was yesterday, and
still with the same sad look in her eyes. Today I was to make my own move
and walk over to the little girl. For as we all know, a park full of
strange people is not a place for young children to play alone.
As I got closer I could see the back of the little girl's dress. It was
grotesquely shaped. I figured that was the reason people just passed by and
made no effort to speak to her. Deformities are a low blow to our society
and, heaven forbid if you make a step toward assisting someone who is
As I got closer, the little girl lowered her eyes slightly to avoid my
intent stare. As I approached her, I could see the shape of her back more
clearly. She was grotesquely shaped in a humped over form.
I smiled to let her know it was okay - I was there to help, to talk. I sat
down beside her and opened with a simple, "Hello."
The little girl acted shocked, and stammered a, "Hi," after a long stare
into my eyes.
I smiled and she shyly smiled back. We talked until darkness fell and the
park was completely empty. I asked the girl why she was so sad.
The little girl looked at me with a sad face said, "Because, I'm different."
I immediately said, "That you are!" and smiled.
The little girl acted even sadder and said, "I know."
"Little girl," I said, "you remind me of an angel - sweet and innocent."
She looked at me and smiled, then slowly she got to her feet and said,
"Yes, you're like a little Guardian Angel sent to watch over all the people
She nodded her head yes, and smiled.
With that she opened the back of her pink dress and allowed her wings to
spread, then she said, "I am. I'm your Guardian Angel," with a twinkle in
I was speechless -- sure I was seeing things.
She said, "For once you thought of someone other than yourself. My job here
I got to my feet and said, "Wait, why did no one stop to help an angel?"
She looked at me, smiled, and said, "You're the only one that could see me,"
and then she was gone. And with that, my life was changed dramatically.
So, when you think you're all you have, remember, your angel is always
watching over you.
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York , my brother and three other
priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the
After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't
be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean
I'd offered to drive my mother-in-law to the doctor's. But when I arrived at
her house, I found her gossiping away with a neighbor.
"Mom, we've got to go," I interjected, but she couldn't hear me over the
Finally, I had to take her by the arm and lead her away.
When we got in the car, she apologized. "Sorry, but I didn't know what to
do. That woman wouldn't stop listening to me."