1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just
pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. Its always darkest
before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like
6. Never test the depth of the water with both
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
13. Some days
you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double
your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like
'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe
18. There are
two theories to arguing.Neither one
19 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under
any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same
Monday, January 26, 2009
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
REMOVE ODORS FROM YOUR HANDS---Dip your fingers in salt moistened with vinegar and rub together to remove smells left by garlic or other spices.
DE-ICE YOUR DOORWAY---Keep a container of salt near the front door, sprinkle over the front steps to prevent icy falls.
SET TIE DYE---After creating your masterpiece, soak it in a mixture of 2 cups warm water to 1/3 cup salt for 20 min. so colors wont run in the wash.
SCRUB AWAY KITCHEN GREASE STAINS---Just sprinkle salt on the stain and wipe it with a sponge.
ONE THING NOT TO DO---DON'T CLEAN WINE STAINS WITH SALT---salt actually sets color. Instead, researchers recommend dousing the stain with a mixture of liquid soap and hydrogen peroxide, then blotting.
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing
your place in line.
* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next
thing they'll be selling is antiperspirant to put under your car's fenders.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people
trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic.
You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go
wherever the other cars take you.
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off...even
then, you're cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
* You don't even have to brush your teeth anymore. Just get in rush hour
traffic, smile, and let someone else's windshield wipers do all the work.
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit
ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car
driving next to you.
* Remember the good old days when traffic used to be bumper to bumper? Now
it's windshield wiper to windshield wiper.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so she went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hallway.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Blonde: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I would always come to this door, but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes, it did.
Doctor: And what did the letters spell?
Blonde: It said, "P-U-L-L."
1. Get up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning. The inevitable morning mishaps will be less stressful.
2. Prepare for the morning the evening before. Set the breakfast table, make lunches, put out the clothes you plan to wear, etc.
3. Don?t rely on your memory. Write down appointment times, when to pick up the laundry, when library books are due, etc. ("The palest ink is better than the most retentive memory." - Old Chinese Proverb)
4. Do nothing which, after being done, leads you to tell a lie.
5. Make duplicates of all keys. Bury a house key in a secret spot in the garden and carry a duplicate car key in your wallet, apart from your key ring.
6. Practice preventive maintenance. Your car, appliances, home, and relationships will be less likely to break down/fall apart "at the worst possible moment."
7. Be prepared to wait. A paperback can make a wait in a post office line almost pleasant.
8. Procrastination is stressful. Whatever you want to do tomorrow, do today; whatever you want to do today, do it now.
9. Plan ahead.. Don?t let the gas tank get below one-quarter full; keep a well-stocked "emergency shelf" of home staples; don?t wait until you?re down to your last bus token or postage stamp to buy more; etc.
10. Don?t put up with something that doesn?t work right. If your alarm clock, wallet, shoe laces, windshield wipers ? whatever ? are a constant aggravation, get them fixed or get new ones.
11. Allow 15 minutes of extra time to get to appointments. Plan to arrive at an airport one hour before domestic departures.
12. Eliminate (or restrict) the amount of caffeine in your diet.
13. Always set up contingency plans, "just in case." ("If for some reason either of us is delayed, here?s what we?ll do?" kind of thing. Or, "If we get split up in the shopping center, here?s where we?ll meet.")
14. Relax your standards. The world will not end if the grass doesn?t get mowed this weekend.
15. Pollyanna-Power! For every one thing that goes wrong, there are probably 10 or 50 or 100 blessings. Count ?em!
16. Ask questions. Taking a few moments to repeat back directions, what someone expects of you, etc., can save hours. (The old "the hurrieder I go, the behinder I get, " idea.)
17. Say "No!" Saying "no" to extra projects, social activities, and invitations you know you don?t have the time or energy for takes practice, self-respect, and a belief that everyone, everyday, needs quiet time to relax and be alone.
18. Unplug your phone. Want to take a long bath, meditate, sleep, or read without interruption? Drum up the courage to temporarily disconnect. (The possibility of there being a terrible emergency in the next hour or so is almost nil.) Or use an answering machine.
19. Turn "needs" into preferences. Our basic physical needs translate into food, water, and keeping warm. Everything else is a preference. Don?t get attached to preferences.
20. Simplify, simplify, simplify?
21. Make friends with non-worriers. Nothing can get you into the habit of worrying faster than associating with chronic worrywarts.
22. Get up and stretch periodically if your job requires that you sit for extended periods.
23. Wear earplugs. If you need to find quiet at home, pop in some earplugs.
24. Get enough sleep. If necessary, use an alarm clock to remind you to go to bed.
25. Create order out of chaos. Organize your home and workspace so that you always know exactly where things are. Put things away where they belong and you won?t have to go through the stressof losing things.
26. When feeling stressed, most people tend to breathe in short, shallow breaths. When you breathe like this, stale air is not expelled, oxidation of the tissues is incomplete, and muscle tension frequently results. Check your breathing throughout the day, and before, during, and after high-pressure situations. If you find your stomach muscles are knotted and your breathing is shallow, relax all your muscles and take several deep, slow breaths. Note how, when you?re relaxed, both your abdomen and chest expand when you breathe.
27. Writingyour thoughts and feelings down (in a journal, or on paper to be thrown away) can help you clarify things and can give you a renewed perspective.
28. Try the following yogatechnique whenever you feel the need to relax. Inhale deeply through you nose to the count of eight. Then, with lips puckered, exhale very slowly through your mouth to the count of 16, or for as long as you can. Concentrate on the long sighing sound and feel the tension dissolve. Repeat 10 times.
29. Inoculate yourself against a feared event. Example: before speaking in public, take time to go over every part of the experience in your mind. Imagine what you?ll wear, what the audience will look like, how you will present your talk, what the questions will be and how you will answer them, etc. Visualize the experience the way you would have it be. You?ll likely find that when the time comes to make the actual presentation, it will be "old hat" and much of your anxiety will have fled.
30. When the stress of having to get a job done gets in the way of getting the job done, diversion ? a voluntary change in activity and/or environment ? may be just what you need.
31. Talk it out. Discussing your problems with a trusted friend can help clear your mind of confusion so you can concentrate on problem solving.
32. One of the most obvious ways to avoid unnecessary stress is to select an environment (work, home, leisure) which is in line with your personal needs and desires. If you hate desk jobs, don?t accept a job which requires that you sit at a desk all day. If you hate to talk politics, don?t associate with people who love to talk politics, etc.
33. Learn to live one day at a time.
34. Every day, do something you really enjoy.
35. Add an ounce of love to everything you do..
36. Take a hot bath or shower (or a cool one in summertime) to relieve tension.
37. Do something for somebody else.
38. Focus on understanding rather than on being understood; on loving rather than on being loved.
39. Do something that will improve your appearance. Looking better can help you feel better.
40. Schedule a realistic day. Avoid the tendency to schedule back-to-back appointments; allow time between appointments for a breathing spell.
41. Become more flexible. Some things are worth not doing perfectly and some issues are well to compromise upon.
42. Eliminate destructive self-talk: "I?m too old to?," "I?m too fat to?," etc.
43. Use your weekend time for a change of pace. If you work week is slow and patterned, make sure there is action and time for spontaneity built into your weekends. If your work week is fast-paced and full of people and deadlines, seek peace and solitude during your days off. Feel as if you aren?t accomplishing anything at work? Tackle a job on the weekend which you can finish to your satisfaction.
44. "Worry about the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves." That?s another way of saying: take care of the todays as best you can and the yesterdays and the tomorrows will take care of themselves.
45. Do one thing at a time. When you are with someone, be with that person and with no one or nothing else. When you are busy with a project, concentrate on doing that project and forget about everything else you have to do.
46. Allow yourself time ? everyday ? for privacy, quiet, and introspection.
47. If an especially unpleasant task faces you, do it early in the day and get it over with; then the rest of your day will be free of anxiety.
48. Learn to delegate responsibility to capable others.
49. Don?t forget to take a lunch break. Try to get away from your desk or work area in body and mind, even if it?s just for 15 or 20 minutes.
50. Forget about counting to 10. Count to 1,000 before doing something or saying anything that could make matters worse.
51. Have a forgiving view of events and people. Accept the fact that we live in an imperfect world.
52. Have an optimistic view of the world. Believe that most people are doing the best they can.
Because I'm a man,
when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man,
when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man,
when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man,
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu'. For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances expect me to pick up anything for which 'feminine hygiene product' is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man,
when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man,
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (although one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man,
I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man,
there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I always have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.
Because I'm a man,
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man,
you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man,
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man,
and this is, after all, the year 2006, well the last week of it, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
2 tbs olive oil
1 small red onion, peeled and chopped
3 large cloves garlic, peeled and chopped
3/4 cup converted original parboiled rice
1 tsp seasoned spice blend
14.5 oz can chicken broth
2 tbs chopped oregano
11 oz can Mexicorn, drained
1 zucchini, diced
1/4 cup chopped roasted red peppers
Chopped Chives (optional)
In skillet, cook oil 30 seconds. Add onions, garlic and rice. Cook 4 min. Stir in spice blend, broth and oregano. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and cook 10 min. more. Stir in corn blend, zucchini and red peppers cook 5 min. or until rice is tender. Garnish with chopped chives, if desired. Place in bowl and serve.
MAKES 6 SERVINGS.
Ma looked at the sign and said, "But the sign says ten bucks, and ten bucks is ten bucks, Pa.
Pa hung his head in disappointment and they moved on.
The next year they came to the county fair and the same fella was there with the biplane. "Ma," he started, "sure would like me a ride in that there aeroplane."
Again Ma looked at the sign and told him, "I know Pa, but the sign says ten bucks, and ten bucks is ten bucks."
This went on a few more years until one year the young pilot saw them coming. Just as Pa started on Ma, the young pilot interrupted, "Look folks, I'll take BOTH up for free if you sit there and don't make a noise, but one sound out of either of ya and I get ten bucks from BOTH of you."
They talked it over, agreed, and climbed in the back of the cockpit.
After they took off and got to a good altitude, the young pilot decided he was going to get his money from them one way or another. He looped the airplane, rolled it and even did a spin, but nothing he could do would elicit a sound. Frustrated, he headed back to the landing field.
He turned his head to yell at them in the back cockpit and said, "I'll have to admit, you guys did okay. I thought one of you wudda made some sort of sound."
Ma leaned forward and said, "I thought I shudda said sumthin' when Pa fell out after the first loop, but ten bucks is ten bucks!"
1. •If anything can go wrong, it will !
Corollary: It can !
Corollary: It should !
Corollary: At the most inopportune time !
Corollary : And it will be all your fault,
and everyone will know it.
2. •If there is a possibility of several
things going wrong, the one that will cause
the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Extreme version 1:
If there is a possibility of several things
going wrong, the one that will cause the most
damage will be the FIRST to go wrong.
Extreme version 2:
•If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
3 •If you perceive that there are four possible ways
in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these,
then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Corollary: It will be impossible to fix the fifth
fault, without breaking the fix on one or
more of the others.
•Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse !
•If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something
•Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Corollary 2: The hidden flaw never stays hidden for long.
•Mother nature is a master player and planner !
Addendum: and not an obedient one at that.
•Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics.
Things get worse under pressure.
4 •The Murphy Philosophy:
Smile... tomorrow will be worse.
5 •Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws:
Everything goes wrong all at once.
6 •Murphy's Constant:
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion
to its value.
7 •Murphy's Law of Research:
Enough research will tend to support whatever theory.
•Research supports a specific theory depending
on the amount of funds dedicated to it.
•Addition to Murphy's Laws:
In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore,
if everything is going right... something is wrong.
•Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
•It is impossible to make anything foolproof
because fools are so ingenious.
•Left to themselves,
things tend to go from bad to worse.
8 •Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the
solution of a problem,
it always helps if you know the answer.
Corollary: Provided, of course,
that you know there is a problem.
9 •Nothing is as easy as it looks.
10 •Everything takes longer than you think.
11 •Everything takes longer than it takes.
12 •If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
13 •Whenever you set out to do something,
something else must be done first.
14 •Every solution breeds new problems.
15 •The legibility of a copy is inversely
proportional to its importance.
16 •No matter how perfect things are made to appear,
Murphy's law will take effect and screw it up !
17 •You cannot successfully determine beforehand which
side of the bread to butter.
18 •The chance of the bread falling with the
buttered side down is directly proportional
to the cost of the carpet.
19 •More Laws of Selective Gravitation:
•A falling object will always land where it
can do the most damage.
20 •A shatterproof object will always fall on the
only surface hard enough to crack or break it.
21 •A paint drip will always find the hole in the
newspaper and land on the carpet underneath
(and will not be discovered until it has dried).
22 •A dropped power tool will always land on the
concrete instead of the soft ground (if outdoors)
or the carpet (if indoors) - unless it is running,
in which case it will fall on something it can
damage (like your foot).
23 •If a dish is dropped while removing it from the
cupboard, it will hit the sink, breaking the dish
and chipping or denting the sink in the process.
24 •A valuable dropped item will always fall into an
inaccessible place (a diamond ring down the drain,
for example) - or into the garbage disposal while it
25 •If you use a pole saw to saw a limb while
standing on an aluminum ladder borrowed from
your neighbor, the limb will fall in such a
way as to bend the ladder before
it knocks you to the ground.
26 •If you pick up a chunk of broken concrete
and try to pitch it into an adjacent lot,
it will hit a tree limb and come down right
on the driver's side of your car windshield.
27 •More Laws of Selective Gravitation:
•The greater the value of the rug, the greater
the probability that the cat will throw up on it.
28 •You will always find something in the
last place you look.
29 •If yo are looking for more than one thing,
you'll find the most important one last.
30 •It is never in the last place you look. It is
in the first place you look, but never discovered
on the first attempt.
31 •After you bought a replacement for something
you've lost and searched for everywhere, you'll
find the original.
•You have to look where you lost it.
32 •No matter how long or how hard you shop for
an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale
33 •The other line always moves faster.
34 •In order to get a personal loan, you must
first prove you don't need it.
35 •Anything you try to fix will take longer
and cost you more than you thought.
36 •If you fool around with a thing for very
long you will screw it up.
37 •If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it
needed replacing anyway.
38 •When a broken appliance is demonstrated for
the repairman, it will work perfectly.
39 •Build a system that even a fool can use,
and only a fool will use it.
40 •Everyone has a scheme for getting
rich that will not work.
41 •In any hierarchy, each individual rises to
his own level of incompetence,
and then remains there.
42 •There's never time to do it right,
but there's always time to do it over.
43 •When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, delegate.
44 •Anything good in life is either illegal,
immoral or fattening.
45 •Murphy's golden rule:
whoever has the gold makes the rules.
46 •A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
47 •In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
48 •Never argue with a fool,
people might not know the difference !!!
49 •Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
50 •No good deed goes unpunished.
51 •Where patience fails, force prevails !
52 ."Anything dropped in the bathroom
will fall in the toilet.
53 •Indetermination principle applied to ill luck:
The better you know the amount of ill luck
that will strike you, the worse you know when
this will happen, and vice-versa.
54 .And Relativistic correction of Murphy's law:
Whether things can go wrong or not,
it depends on your frame of reference.
Corollary (otherwise said: ill luck is actually absolute):
Regardless of your frame of reference,
things will go wrong anyway.
55 •If you want something bad enough,
chances are you won't get it.
56 •If you think you are doing the right thing,
chances are it will back-fire in your face.
57 •When waiting for traffic, chances are that
when one lane clears the other is congested.
58 •Just when you think things cannot
get any worse, they will !
58 •Remember the "Boomer-rang" effect;
Whatever you do will always come back.
59 •If you re-act to actions,
you've acted on actions.
60 •He who angers you controls you,
there-fore you have no control over your anger.
61 •Any time you put an item in a "safe place",
it will never be seen again.
62 •Your best golf shots always occur when playing alone.
63 •The worst golf shots always occur when playing with
someone you are trying to impress.
64 •No matter how hard you try, you cannot push a string.
(getting everyone in the family to the car at the same
time for example).
65 •You will never leave a parking space without
someone in an adjacent space leaving at the same time.
66 •The cost of the hairdo is directly related to the
strength of the wind.
67 •Great ideas are never remembered and dumb statements
are never forgotten.
68 •The clothes washer/ dryer will only eat one of
each pair of socks.
69 •When you see light at the end of the tunnel,
the tunnel will cave in.
Or in another version:
The light at the end of the tunnel is a train.
70 •Being dead right, won't make you any less dead....
and having the right of way,
won't make you any less dead.
An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip and seeks out the Chief.
"Chief, I have bad news, worse news and good news."
The Chief asks for the bad news first.
Scout says, "No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today."
Chief asks for the worse news.
Brave says, "Our land is being overrun by white
men. They are coming by the thousands."
Finally the chief asks for the good news.
The brave says, "Chief the white men taste just like buffalo."
2 C. fresh basil leaves
1/2 C. grated Parmesan cheese
1/4 C. pine nuts or chopped walnuts
2 T. grated Romano cheese
3 garlic cloves peeled
1/2 C. plus 3 T. olive oil, divided
1/4 C. all purpose flour
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 C. dry bread crumbs
8 slices eggplant or large zucchini
4 slices tomato
1/4 C. crumbled reduced fat feta cheese
Place the first 5 ingredients in a food processor; cover and process until
blended. While processing, gradually add 1/2 C. oil in a steady stream until
combined. Set pesto aside.
Place the flour, eggs, and bread crumbs in separate shallow bowls. Dip
eggplant in flour, then in eggs; then roll in crumbs. Heat remaining oil in a
large skillet, fry eggplant in batches for 1-2 minutes on each side or until
golden brown. Drain on paper towels.
Place four eggplant slices on an ungreased baking sheet. Top each with a
tomato slice, 1 T. cheese, 2 t. pesto and remaining eggplant. Cover and
refrigerate remaining pesto for another use. Bake at 350 for 5-8 minutes or until
heated through. Serve immediately.
2 large potatoes, peeled
2 cups chopped fresh broccoli
1/4 cup milk
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 onion, chopped
1 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
1 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add potatoes and cook until
tender but still firm, about 15 minutes; drain. Meanwhile, place broccoli in a
steamer over 1 inch of boiling water, and cover. Cook until tender but still
firm, about 2 to 6 minutes. Drain and set aside.
Mash the potatoes with milk and salt. Brush a deep 9 inch pie dish with
olive oil and press the potatoes in. Brush with remaining olive oil. Bake in
preheated oven for 30 minutes or until lightly browned.
Arrange onions, broccoli and cheese in the potato crust. Whisk together the
eggs, milk, salt, pepper and nutmeg. Pour over broccoli and cheese.
Bake in preheated oven for 30 to 40 minutes, until slightly puffed and
cooked throughout. Allow to cool for 10 minutes before serving.
2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 tsp each ground cinnamon and ground ginger
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup unsalted butter
1 cup molasses
3/4 cup packed dark brown sugar
2 tsp grated peeled gingerroot
3/4 cup milk
1 1/4 cups powdered sugar, sifted
2 large eggs
2 tbs lemon juice
1/2 tsp grated lemon zest
2 tbs finely chopped crystallized ginger
Heat oven to 350 degrees. Spray 5 foil mini loaf pans with baking spray. In a bowl, mix first 5 ingredients. In a saucepan, melt butter. Add molasses, brown sugar and gingerroot. Cook 1 min. Remove saucepan from heat. Whisk in milk and eggs. Whisk in flour mixture until batter is smooth. Pour batter into pans. Bake 30 min. or until done. Cool in pans 20 min.
In small bowl, whisk powdered sugar, lemon juice and lemon zest until smooth. Spoon glaze over tops of breads, spreading evenly. Sprinkle with crystallized ginger. Let stand until cool. Slice and serve.
MAKES 5 GINGERBREADS.
Two 14 oz cans artichoke hearts, drained
8 oz Fontina cheese, cubed
4 oz cream cheese
1/3 cup each grated Parmesan cheese and chopped parsley
2 tbs capers
2 cloves garlic, crushed through a press
1/2 tsp hot red pepper sauce, or to taste
Heat oven to 350 degrees. Pulse artichokes and remaining ingredients in a food processor until artichokes are finely chopped. Scrape mixture into a crock or gratin dish and spread into a even layer. Bake 30 min. or until dip is lightly browned on top and starting to bubble around edges. Serve hot with Vegetable Dippers (bell pepper strips, cauliflower and broccoli florets, green beans, asparagus, and carrot and celery sticks).
MAKES 2 CUPS
1 cup slivered almonds, toasted
1 cup unsalted butter
1 cup sugar
3 tbs water
1 tbs corn syrup (light or dark)
1/4 tsp salt
6 oz bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, finely chopped
Line a 13x9x2" baking pan with foil, extending foil over ends of pan. Sprinkle 1/2 cup almonds in pan. Finely chop the remaining almonds. Butter sides of a saucepan. In saucepan, melt butter. Add sugar and next 3 ingredients. Cook until mixture boils. Insert a candy thermometer. Reduce heat and boil until 290 degrees (soft crack stage). Watch to prevent scorching.
Remove saucepan from heat, remove thermometer and pour candy over almonds in pan. Let stand 5 min. sprinkle with chocolate. Let stand until chocolate softens. Spread chocolate evenly over candy. Sprinkle with chopped almonds. Refrigerate candy until firm. Use foil to lift candy from pan, break into pieces and serve.
MAKES 1 1/2 POUNDS.
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap him on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if he has an appointment.
9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask him if he can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing him occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
22) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member
of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog.
The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and
went to talk to Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not
a proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then
show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the
barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on
his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in
Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the
quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog
would consider going to Rabbinical school??"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He
wants to be a doctor!"
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair.
The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a
wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not
even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never
seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the
bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs.Schmidlap asks the girl and the two of them go into
the bedroom and the girl strips and shows her.
Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're
satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four
guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
A shy little 4-year-old boy went to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation, but no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist then tried to strike up a conversation with the boy. "How old are you?" the dentist asked.
The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"
Immediately, four fingers went up.
"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?"
8.8 oz pouch quick cooking rice (you can use leftover cooked rice)
24 oz jar tropical mixed fruit in light syrup (reserve 1/2 cup syrup)
1 tbs + 1 tsp oil
1 tbs rice wine vinegar or cider vinegar
1 tsp salt
1/8 tsp cayenne pepper (optional)
1 head cabbage, halved lengthwise, thinly sliced crosswise
1/2 cup thinly sliced red onion
1 pound raw large shrimp, peeled
1 tsp dry Caribbean jerk seasoning
1/2 cup chopped cilantro
Heat rice as package directs. In a large bowl, whisk reserved fruit syrup, 1 tbs oil, vinegar, salt and pepper until blended. Add mixed fruit, cabbage, onion and cilantro. Heat remaining oil in a skillet. Sprinkle shrimp with jerk seasoning. Add to skillet and saute 3 min. or until pink and cooked through. Add shrimp and rice to fruit mixture, toss to mix. Top with cashews and/or chopped macadamia nuts, if desired.
MAKES 4 SERVINGS.
2 red skinned pears, cored and thinly sliced
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 pint raspberries
1 tbs + 1/2 cup cake flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
5 large egg whites, room temp
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup egg substitute
1 tsp vanilla
2 tbs minced crystallized ginger
Powdered Sugar for dusting
1/2 cup raspberry preserves
1 1/3 cups whipped topping, thawed
TOPPING---Toss pears and sugar in a bowl, stir in raspberries. Refrigerate.
JELLY ROLL---Heat oven to 400 degrees. 15x10x1" jelly roll pan coated with nonstick spray, line with wax paper. Coat paper with nonstick spray, dust with 1 tbs cake flour. In small bowl, whisk remaining flour and baking powder. In large bowl, beat egg whites until soft peaks start to form. Beat in 1/2 cup sugar continue to beat whites until stiff yet billowy peaks form.
In a bowl, beat egg substitute with remaining sugar 3 min. or until lightened in color. Add vanilla, beat in half of the flour mixture, fold into egg whites with remaining flour mixture and ginger. Spread in pan. Bake 12 min. or until done. Let cool 2 min. Dust a kitchen towel with powdered sugar. Loosen cake from sides of pan. Invert cake onto towel. Remove pan, peel off paper. Starting from a short end, roll up cake in towel, place seam side down on rack and cool completely.
Scrape preserves through a sieve to remove seeds. Unroll cake, spread with preserves. Reroll cake, place seam side down on cutting board. Trim ends of cake roll. TO SERVE---Place a 1/2" slice jelly roll on plate. Top with 1/4 cup fruit and 2 tbs whipped topping. Lean another slice against stack. Dust with powdered sugar. Serve.
MAKES 10 SERVINGS OF SHORTCAKES.
2/3 cup Arborio rice
8 cups water
Pinch of salt
4 cups protein fortified fat free milk
3 tbs each packed light brown sugar and granulated sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp grated orange zest
1/4 tsp ground cardamom or cinnamon
Place rice in sieve. Rinse under cold water, stirring to remove excess surface starch. Place in a saucepan with water and salt and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and boil 7 min. or until tender. Drain rice, return to pot. Stir milk and sugars into rice, to dissolve sugars. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to a low simmer, simmer 25 min. or until rice is very soft and tender and milk has the consistency of heavy cream.
Pour into a bowl. Stir in vanilla, zest and cardamom. Cover surface of pudding with plastic wrap. Let cool. Refrigerate 4 hours or until chilled before serving.
ORANGE RICE PUDDING PARFAITS---For each parfait, spoon 1/4 cup orange rice pudding into a glass, then top with 3 orange sections, 1 tbs thawed reduced calorie whipped topping and 1 tsp fat free butterscotch caramel topping. Repeat layers.
MAKES 8 SERVINGS.
10 whole chocolate graham crackers
2 tbs cold light butter
1 tbs lightly beaten egg white
1/4 cup each unsweetened Dutch process cocoa powder and cornstarch
2 1/2 cups fat free half and half
3/4 cup sugar
2 oz unsweetened chocolate, melted
2 tsp light butter
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups reduced calorie whipped topping, thawed
Chocolate curls, for garnish (optional)
CRUST---Heat oven to 350 degrees. 9" pie pan or plate coated with nonstick spray. Process graham crackers in food processor until finely ground. Add butter, pulse until coarse crumbs form. Add egg white, pulse until moistened. Press crumb mixture over bottom and sides of pan. Bake 8 min. Cool.
FILLING---In bowl, whisk cocoa and cornstarch, whisk in 1 1/2 cups half and half. In saucepan, heat remaining half and half and the sugar, until sugar is dissolved. Whisk in cocoa mixture and melted chocolate. Cook until filling begins to bubble, continue to cook whisking until very thick. Off heat, whisk in butter and vanilla. Spread filling in crust. Place plastic wrap onto surface of filling, refrigerate 4 hours.
TO SERVE---Remove plastic wrap, spread whipped topping over filling.
MAKES 10 SERVINGS OF PIE.
White from 1 large egg, beaten
1/4 cup minced green onions
2 tbs soy sauce
2 1/2 tsp grated peeled ginger
2 tsp toasted sesame oil
1 clove garlic, crushed through a press
1/4 tsp ground pepper
1 1/2 pounds ground pork and chicken
1/2 cup thick teriyaki sauce and marinate
Toasted sesame seeds, for garnish
In a large bowl, whisk first 7 ingredients until blended. Add pork and mix in until combined. Shape into 30 balls. Spray a skillet with cooking spray and heat. Add half the meatballs and saute 5 min. or until lightly browned on all sides and meatballs firm up. Brown remaining meatballs.
Heat oven to 425 degrees. Place meatballs on a parchment paper lined baking sheet. Brush with teriyaki sauce. Bake 10 min. brushing once with remaining sauce until cooked through and glazed. Insert toothpicks into meatballs and transfer to a platter. Sprinkle with sesame seeds.
MAKES 30 MEATBALLS.
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
One guy to another, "Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced."
"Did you see a lawyer?"
"No, I got married."
A pickpocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of $200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; "Your honor, my client can only afford $50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd ...
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
Americans eat billions of slices of pizza each year;
the annual per capita pizza consumption is 23 pounds.
Saturday night is the biggest night of the week for
eating pizza. Americans eat 90 acres of pizza per day.
During TV news broadcasts, most pizza is ordered during
the weather, and the delivery folks report that women are
Post Columbus - Tomatoes were brought back to Europe
from the New World. Originally they were thought to be poisonous,
but later became accepted and added to pizza.
In the 16th century - Maria Carolina, the Queen of
Naples convinced her husband, King Ferdinand IV to allow the
peasant dish pizza to be made in the royal oven.
In 1889 Raffaele Esposito, the most famous PIZZAIOLO
(pizza chef) created a pie for Queen Margherita - tomato,
basil and cheese, (to resemble the Italian flag) which
remains the basis for American pizza.
Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along some outdoor-survival lore.
One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the usual tactics to determine direction... moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc.
Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp.
"That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"
"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all the TV satellite dishes point south."
1 cup thick Greek yogurt or plain yogurt
1/4 cup mango chutney
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
1/2 tsp each curry powder and garam masala (type of spices mixed together, can be found on internet)
1 clove garlic, crushed through a press
1 tbs pink peppercorns, finely chopped
3/4 tsp garam masala
1 1/2 pounds thick center cut salmon fillet, skin and pin bones removed, cut into 3/4" cubes
1/2 tsp sea salt and kosher salt
30 round cucumber slices
HEAT oven to 400 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. DIP---Combine ingredients in a bowl until blended. Transfer dipping sauce to a small serving bowl.
SALMON BITES---On wax paper, combine peppercorns and garam masala. Dip one side of each salmon cube in spice mixture to lightly coat. Sprinkle cubes with salt. Spray a skillet with cooking spray or brush with a little oil and heat. Place salmon skin side down in skillet.
COOK 2 min. or until bottoms are lightly golden (top part of salmon will still be raw). Transfer salmon cooked side up to baking sheet. Bake 4 min. or until medium rare in middle or desired doneness. Place each salmon bite on a cucumber round. Serve warm with Curry Yogurt Dip.
MAKES 30 SALMON BITES.
One 12 oz sirloin steak or any kind of steak, 1/2-3/4" thick
1/2 a 1 pound loaf French bread, split
Garlic cooking spray or oil
1/2 tsp each salt and pepper
2 cups chunks ripe tomato
2 bags 6 oz each baby spinach trio (spinach, arugula, and carrots) or just spinach
1/2 cup each bottled olive oil and vinegar dressing, sliced onion and crumbled blue cheese or any kind of cheese
HEAT GRILL. Coat steak and cut surfaces of bread with garlic spray or brush with a little oil, sprinkle with salt and pepper.
GRILL STEAK turning once, 6 min. for medium rare or until desired doneness, grill bread cut sides down 2 min. or until lightly toasted.
CUT BREAD in chunks, thinly slice steak. Combine in a bowl with remaining ingredients, toss to mix and serve.
MAKES 4 SERVINGS OF SALAD.
Reasons why LIFE without a Girl Friend is cool
1. You can stare at any Girl.......
2. You don't have to spend money on her.
3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.
4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.
5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.
6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.
7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.
8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.
9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore.
10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.
11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.
12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.
13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.
14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.
15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.
16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks.
17. No nonstop nonsense.
18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.
19. No tension.
20. You can be "urself"
21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills.....
A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"
Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."
Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"
Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."
Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?
"Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex.
"Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?
"Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."
* A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a
hotel room and there weren't enough towels.
* A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Switzerland."
* A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked
to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's
dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's lying on the ground and
screaming 'You ain't nothing but a hound dog.'"
* Another person called to report he had the hiccups.
* A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his
navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.
* A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all
exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.
* A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.
* Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and was in a
* A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house
and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.
* A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.
* A guy called to ask if they delivered dope. When the person answering told
him it was the Sheriff's Department, he hung up.
* Another winner called to ask when the Cinco de Mayo celebration was.
(Cinco de Mayo means the 5th of May)
* A female complainant called to request a police officer come to her
residence to change the battery in her smoke detector. She couldn't reach
* A drunk called 911 to order a pizza.
* A woman called to report that someone had trespassed on her property. When
asked how she knew this, she reported that the person had trimmed her rose
bushes, and she knew it was her next-door neighbor.
* A person called to find out the number to the police station
You must have heard of the term, to Sauté, in terms of cooking. What does the term mean ?
Sautéing is a method of cooking food that uses a small amount of fat in a shallow pan over relatively high heat. Unlike pan-searing, sautés are often finished with a sauce made from the pan's residual fond. Sauter means "to jump" in French — The method includes flipping the food in the air. You can use a skillet or saute pan, but make sure it is big enough to comfortably contain what you are cooking.
Preheat it--you need high heat when sautéing to cook ingredients quickly; otherwise the internal moisture tends to push to the surface and your ingredients won’t brown.
Food that is sautéed is usually cooked for a relatively short period of time over high heat, with the goal of browning the food while preserving its color, moisture and flavor. This is very common with more tender cuts of meat, e.g. tenderloin, pork chops, or filet mignon. Sautéing differs from searing in that the sautéed food is thoroughly cooked in the process. One may sear simply to add flavor and improve appearance before another process is used to finish cooking it.
Olive oil or clarified butter are commonly used for sautéing, but most fats will do. Regular butter will produce more flavor but will burn at a lower temperature and more quickly than other fats due to the presence of milk solids.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A kangaroo at the Sydney zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night. Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
"How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night!"
1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2. If you're going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
3. Ask why until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sweets.
9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
1 8-oz. pkg. cream cheese
3 boxes confectioners' sugar
½ lb. semisweet chocolate
1 2-inch square paraffin
¼ t vanilla
Cream 1 C butter and cream cheese until light and fluffy; blend in
confectioners' sugar, a small amount at a time. Shape mixture into
small eggs; chill for at least 1 hour. Combine chocolate, paraffin, 1 T
butter and vanilla in top of double boiler. Stir into chocolate
mixture; arrange on waxed paper to harden.
2 pints strawberry ice cream
2 eggs yolks
1 T lemon rind
2 T lemon juice
1 egg white
1 C whipping cream, whipped
Chill 7-cup mold in freezer. Soften ice cream. Spread ice cream
quickly as evenly as possible with back of spoon on inside of mold to
make ½-inch thick shell lining. Return to freezer to harden. Beat
egg yolks well in top of double boiler. Beat in 1/3 cup sugar, well
in top of double boiler. Beat in 1/3 cup sugar, for about 10 minutes,
stirring constantly, over rapidly boiling water until thickened. Cool
thoroughly. Beat egg white until frothy in small mixing bowl. Beat
in 2 T sugar gradually. Beat until stiff peaks form. Fold in lemon
mixture and whipped cream. Pour into ice cream-lined mold. Freeze.
Dip into warm water; turn out onto chilled plate. Garnish with fresh
strawberry halves if desired.
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're not picking anything up here.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below the neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to insure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate... When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you to expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is, "Early."
I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it's okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
•Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
•Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns with eyesight.
•Places where there is darkness.
•Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
•Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
•Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay.
•Hockey games are okay.
•Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
There are many companies / brands / products whose names were derived from
Mercedes -> This was actually the financier's daughter's name.
Adobe -> This came from name of the river Adobe Creek that ran behind the
house of founder John Warnock.
Apple Computers > It was the favorite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was
three months late in filing a name for the business, and he threatened to
call his company Apple Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a
better name by 5 o'clock.
CISCO -> It is not an acronym as popularly believed. It is short for San
Compaq -> This name was formed by using COMp, for computer, and PAQ to
denote a small integral object.
Corel -> The name was derived from the founder's name Dr.Michael Cowpland.
It stands for COwpland REsearch Laboratory.
Google -> The name started as a joke boasting about the amount of
information the search-engine would be able to search. It was originally
named 'Googol', a word for the number represented by 1 followed by 100
zeros. After founders - Stanford graduate students Sergey Brin and Larry
Page presented their project to an angel investor, they received a cheque
made out to 'Google'.
Hotmail -> Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the web
from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer Bhatia came up with the
business plan for the mail service, he tried all kinds of names ending in
'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included the letters "html" -
the programming language used to write web pages. It was initially referred
to as HoTMaiL with selective uppercasing.
Hewlett Packard -> Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide
whether the company they founded would be called
Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett.
Intel -> Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company 'Moore
Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain so they had to
settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics.
Microsoft -> Coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was devoted
to MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally christened Micro-Soft, the '-' was
removed later on.
Motorola -> Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his company
started manufacturing radios for cars. The popular radio company at the time
was called Victrola.
ORACLE -> Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting project
for the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). The code name for the project was
called Oracle (the CIA saw this as the system to give answers to all
questions or something such). The project was designed to help use the newly
written SQL code by IBM. The project eventually was terminated but Larry
and Bob decided to finish what they started and bring it to the world. They
kept the name Oracle and created the RDBMS engine. Later they kept the same
name for the company.
Sony -> It originated from the Latin word 'sonus' meaning sound, and 'sonny'
a slang used by Americans to refer to a bright youngster.
SUN -> Founded by 4 Stanford University buddies, SUN is the acronym for
Stanford University Network. Andreas Bechtolsheim built a microcomputer;
Vinod Khosla recruited him and Scot t McNealy to manufacture computers based
on it, and Bill Joy to develop a UNIX-based OS for the computer.
Yahoo! -> The word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in his book
'Gulliver's Travels'. It represents a person who is repulsive in appearance
and action and is barely human. Yahoo! Founders Jerry Yang and David Filo
selected the name because they considered themselves yahoos.