There is a story going around that the artificial sweetener, Aspartame, is actually very dangerous chemical that causes methanol toxicity which is causing a health epidemic; further, people are getting affected and the industry is suppressing all this information.
There is this article on Snopes that shows what the dangers being highlighted are, and then proceeds to get opinions from a range of medical experts about how all this is false, and bogus science. Read more (link)
Saturday, June 28, 2008
There is a story going around that the artificial sweetener, Aspartame, is actually very dangerous chemical that causes methanol toxicity which is causing a health epidemic; further, people are getting affected and the industry is suppressing all this information.
There is this great article on Linux.com about using GnuCash 2.0. As the author says, it's not a review or a list of new features, but more of a explanation on the usage of GnuCash 2.0. Read the article (link).
From the article:
Getting over the barrier
Start by reading the section called "The Basics" in the GnuCash Tutorial and Concepts Guide that you can find under Help. You really need to understand what double-entry accounting is all about before you can ever be comfortable using GnuCash, even to balance your checkbook.
In The Basics, the Guide explains not only the five basic types of accounts, but why it takes a minimum of two entries -- thus the name "double-entry" -- to keep the accounts in balance. It takes you just far enough past the fundamental "Assets - Liabilities = Equity" equation to show how Income and Expenses, the last two of the five account types, fit into the equation. It's easy, really.
Assets include things like the money in your checking account. Liabilities are the things that you owe, like rent or car payments. Equity is nothing more than the difference between the two. Told you it wasn't hard. Now, speaking of checking accounts, let's set up GnuCash to track one.
GnuCash is personal and small-business financial-accounting software, freely licensed under the GNU GPL and available for GNU/Linux, BSD, Solaris, Mac OS X and Microsoft Windows.
Designed to be easy to use, yet powerful and flexible, GnuCash allows you to track bank accounts, stocks, income and expenses. As quick and intuitive to use as a checkbook register, it is based on professional accounting principles to ensure balanced books and accurate reports.
* QIF/OFX/HBCI Import, Transaction Matching
* Reports, Graphs
* Scheduled Transactions
* Financial Calculations
* Double-Entry Accounting
* Stock/Bond/Mutual Fund Accounts
* Small-Business Accounting
* Customers, Vendors, Jobs, Invoices, A/P, A/R
Read more and download (link)
Word Wrangles Word Explorer is an invaluable word exploration tool that can be used for all types of word games and word discovery.
Word Explorer can assist with improving spelling, grammar, vocabulary and reading skills and be used with Words Lists and Resources from different languages.
Word Explorer also allows you to create your own Word Lists, Resources and Word Games on any topic and in any language you like.
Download from this location (link)
This utility converts Excel files from the XL format to an EXE format (convert XLS to EXE, convert XLA to EXE, convert Excel to EXE). Like XL files, the EXE files created are not independent of Excel, but they allow you to define Excel's properties before opening, and improve the portability and functionality of your workbooks.
The conversion, moreover to maintain the original format features, inclusive for editing thru the Excel, adds others functionalities where the autocompression and the control over the Excel highlight. So, by be specialized in Excel and VBA, can be more advantageous than ZIP files, ZIP autoextracts and program installation utilities.
EXE format features:
- Can be read and write (Changes done in an EXE file opening in the Excel to write are saved in the proper EXE file);
- When saving changes, backups are created. Optionally, you can specify whether to overwrite or not overwrite previous backups (This makes possible more restoration levels than using XL format);
- Can be read-only, very read-only, doesn’t permit ‘Save’ and ‘Save as’ too;
- Changes can be saved to a new XL file, leaving the EXE unaltered (Good to be used like a template)
Read more and download (link)
Securely erases the contents of a disk replacing it with random data or leaving the drive completely blank. Numerous passes can be performed to ensure data is totally unrecoverable. Program works on hard and floppy disks aswell as USB/Flash drives.
Windows XP, Windows Vista, Windows NT, Windows 9x/Me, Windows 2000
Download from this location (link)
It is becoming standard practice in corporations, government agencies, law firms and accounting firms to reassign computers and to donate older computers to charity. Millions of personal computers have been put to use since 1981 when the IBM Personal Computer came into existence. Many of the older personal computers have been reassigned or donated to charity and many more will fall into this category in the future. However, data security is often ignored when computers change hands.
Personal computers were never designed with security in mind. Potentially anything that transpired on a used computer still exists. Multiply that by the number of computers your organization will reassign or surplus this year, and you get the point. Computers should be reassigned and donated to charity but the contents of the hard disk drives should not be ignored.
With computer technology changing almost daily, corporations and government agencies have to stay current while still making the best uses of aging computer resources. Advancements in hard disk drive storage capacities, operating systems and software applications cause corporations to buy or lease new computers every year. But what is done with the old computers? What is done about the sensitive data still existing, essentially "stored" on these computers when they are sold, transferred or donated? That is a serious problem, and NTI's Disk Scrub software was specifically designed to deal with these risks, for corporations, government agencies, hospitals, financial institutions, law firms and accounting firms.
Read more at this location (link)
Compliance regulations (HIPAA, Sarbanes Oxley SOX, etc.) mandate the secure erasure of all files and data that are subject to federal regulation. Failure to prevent unauthorized disclosure of privileged information can result in serious civil and criminal liability.
CyberScrub provides a wide array of hard drive erasure solutions. These products use erase methods that meet and exceed requirements set by the US Department of Defense (US DoD 5220.22) to ensure total data destruction.
cyberCide is designed for full disk sanitization, and may be deployed locally or over the network. Detailed log files, providing hard drive serial numbers, dates/times of erasure, erase method used, technician, bad sectors and other data is generated to be parsed into your compliance, audit and inventory reports. CyberCide may be run from command-lines and modified per your specifications as applicable.
Read more and download from the site (link)
PhotoPlus is the amazing photo editing software that enables you to fix and enhance digital photos, create stunning bitmap graphics and even web animations.
With PhotoPlus, you can easily adjust brightness and contrast, colour balance, remove red-eye and make numerous other image editing adjustments and enhancements, achieving fantastic results time after time. And best of all, you can download our standard digital photo editor, PhotoPlus 6, completely free!
Read more and download at this link.
Enhance your images with easy-to-use creative tools, such as paintbrush, airbrush, clone, smudge and erase - adjustable brush settings include size, shape, softness and fade for complete control.
Apply bevels and drop shadows to create sophisticated-looking text and images. Use the layer manager to add to and enhance images without affecting the originals, just like the professionals!
Friday, June 27, 2008
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
1 1/2 cups buttermilk
1/2 cup water water (110 F)
1/2 cup butter or regular margarine
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 tsp baking soda
2 (.25 oz) pkg active dry yeast
2 tsp salt
5 1/2 cups bread flour
Proof yeast in warm water. Place the butter and buttermilk in a small saucepan. Heat slowly until the butter has melted. Cool to lukewarm.
Place the sugar, salt, baking soda, buttermilk mixture, and yeast in a large mixing bowl. Add 3 cups of flour, one cup at a time, and mix with a dough hook attachment on an electric mixer.
Gradually add the remaining flour while continuing to mix. When the dough is not sticky, turn out on a lightly floured surface. Knead for several minutes, until the dough is soft and smooth.
Place in a greased bowl, and turn once. Allow to rise until doubled in size. Punch down the dough. Divide and shape into 2 loaves.
Place in two well greased 8 x 4 loaf pans. Allow to rise until dough has risen one inch above the pans. Bake in a preheated 375 F oven for 30 to 35 minutes.
Loaves are done when nicely browned and hollow sounding when thumped.
Yield: 2 loaves
1/3 C. Bisquick
1/3 C. packed brown sugar
1/2 t. ground cinnamon
2 T. butter
2 C. Bisquick
2/3 C. milk
2 T. sugar
Heat oven to 350. Grease 9" round pan. Mix streussel topping ingredients until crumbly; set aside. Stir coffee cake ingredients until blended. Spread in pan; sprinkle with topping. Bake 18-22 minutes or until golden brown.
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me? A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him
tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he
would like to drink. Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house,
he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too."
The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink and the customer takes a big drink.
"Hey," he says. "This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou?"
A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer's personality on what drinks they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
If Women Drink these drinks in a pub ... (not at home)
Beer Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square , Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake etc.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.
Spirits such as Wild Turkey, Southern Comfort
Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of
personalities. Love to be laid!
Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you're in!
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait......
Spirits such as JACKS, BEAM
Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard
Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they'll think you're a nice bloke and they are probably trying to work out how to get you to bed!
IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer
He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
Real Ale Beer
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
Rum or Tequila
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square , Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc
He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change
Once upon a time, Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole.
"Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks. And the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard! Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"
Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelors's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.
Wife wanted for company.
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood,
and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society ................. (etc etc and never getting to the point)
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breeding.
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.
Required a girl - 5'8' & 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit from a nice personality and
be a credit to her family
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from x-ud, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.
RACE CAR DRIVER
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!
There was this little grey mouse that worked in a factory pulling wires through conduits and every evening after work he would stop in at the neighborhood bar for a beer or two before going home.
He was unmarried and well liked by the bartender, he always cashed his paycheck on Friday night and had more than two beers. This particular Friday night the mouse was
setting at the bar having a beer and this strikingly beautiful long necked lady giraffe comes in and takes a seat at the end of the bar.
The mouse looks her over and she is checking out the mouse. The mouse told the bartender to give her a drink and soon they are seated together. The bar fills up and the bartender loses track of them.
The bartender can't wait to hear how it went with the mouse and giraffe, but on Monday the mouse don't show, nor on Tuesday or Wednesday, but on Thursday he comes in, his fur all roughed up, his eyes bloodshot, and his tail just dragging the floor.
He climbs up on a stool, orders a beer and as the bartender set it down, the bartender asks how it went, and why are you looking like you were run over by a Mack truck?
The mouse answers, it was just wonderful.
The bartender says what caused you to look so bad, the mouse said "between the kissing and the loving, I've run 900 miles."
The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong.
As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. The man thought it would be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind.
In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."
The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!"
Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"
The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Additional note: If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows.
While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a
playground. "That's my son over there," she said, pointing to a little boy in a red
sweater who was gliding down the slide. "He's a fine looking boy" the man said. "That's my daughter on the bike in the white dress."
Then, looking at his watch, he called to his daughter. "What do you say we go, Melissa?" Melissa pleaded, "Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes."
The man nodded and Melissa continued to ride her bike to her heart's content. Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his daughter. "Time to go now?"
Again Melissa pleaded, "Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes."
The man smiled and said, "OK."
"My, you certainly are a patient father," the woman responded.
The man smiled and then said, "Her older brother Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I'd give anything for just five more minutes with him. I've vowed not to make the same mistake with Melissa.
She thinks she has five more minutes to ride her bike. The truth is, I get Five more minutes to watch her play."
A young, attractive woman decides to hang one of her favorite pictures on her wall and asks her father what she needs to do. He says to hammer a nail with a large head on it into the wall where she wants her picture to be located.
After searching endlessly for a "nail with a large head on it" she gives up and goes out to buy one.
When she reaches the store she sees an old dirty looking man with his eyes popped out of his head once she entered. Not knowing her way around a hardware store she is forced to ask him for help.
"Do you have a nail with a large head on it?"
He answers, "I have something with a large head that would be happy to nail you."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em all.".
JUGGS DAVIS CATFISH STINK BAIT RECIPE - HOMEMADE CATFISH BAIT
melt 1 lb. cheese for about 1 min. in microwave then chop 6-8 oz. of raw pork, perch, or both in combination. chop 1 head of garlic and add garlic salt, mix in 1 can dog food, add 1 dozen minnows and enough flour to give a dough consistency. Mix in a food processor. this bait works best on treble hooks or bait tubes.
CAJUN MUD CATFISH BAIT RECIPE
in a blender mix 24 bad minners, and 1/4 C of the juice they was in along with 1/2 Cup parmesean cheese, 1 box cherry jello 1/4 C molasses, 3 Tablespoons of onion salt and garlic salt, 1 cup bread crumbs, 3 Tablespoons of soy sauce, add flour to thicken then work into a dough and place in baggies in 1 inch balls use on a treble hook.
TRINITY RIVER CATFISH BAIT RECIPE
In 1/4 cup boiling water add 3 beef bullion cubes. after they dissolve add 3 oz lunch meat, and 3 Tablespoons of garlic salt and onion powder, 5 slices of bread, 4 Tablespoons of of melted peanut butter, 20 crackers. Put it in a blender and mix. place in sealabel container in a cool place with lid on tight. Use as a ball on treble hook.
JACKS CAT ATTACK CATFISH BAIT RECIPE
mix 1 lb of aged in the sun chicken livers and 1 package of hot dogs together in a blender and mix. This may be best performed outside or with wife gone. In a gallon jug place a half a loaf of bread torn into bite size pieces, pour the liver and and hot dog mix over it. add 2 cans of nacho cheese, 1 can corn, 1/4 bottle of Tabasco,and a dozen worms cut up, to the mix. next get rubber gloves and pour this
mixture out and knead good until it gets thick and a dough like consistency. Store in the sun, in a large plastic container, and handle with care.
CHICKEN LITTLES CHICKEN LIVER CATFISH DIP BAIT RECIPE
In a blender place a pound of chicken livers partially frozen, a half a box of cornflakes, 1/2 cup garlic powder or two heads of fresh garlic,1/3 cup of each: parmesan cheese-molasses-sugar. Blend well place in small dishes and freeze what you don't plan to use as this bait will spoil very quick. Best if used when fresh.
SHADRACKS DIP SHAD CATFISH BAIT RECIPE
A use for the left over shad when you got too many. Place about 20 small threadfin shad in a blender with 1/2 Cup of cornmeal, 1 tablespoon each of garlic powder-sugar. blend well and place this mixture in a jar and shake twice daily for a week and its ready. Use with dip worms or sponges.
UNCLE DEWEY'S CATFISH BAIT RECIPE
Place about two pounds of leftover shad and a tub of chicken livers with about two cups of bacon grease or vegetable oil in a loosely covered bucket and allow to sit in the sun until the shad liquify.
Add about 6 cups of regular oatmeal,2 cups of yellow cornmeal, a cup of brown sugar and a 4oz package of limburger cheese. stir carefully but thoroughly. Return the bucket to a sunny location for another week for more fermentation.
Thicken with flour or cattail fuzz for bait, or thin with water for chum.
LEATHER LIVER CHICKEN LIVER CATFISH BAIT RECIPE
Take 2 lbs of chicken liver and 32oz. can of garlic salt. Lay liver out in layers, sprinkle a hefty amount of garlic salt on it. Add next layer so on and so forth until the liver is all used. Let sit for a couple hours outside. It doesn't have to be in the sun. After a couple hours take the liver and dump into a bucket and start
stirring, every 3 or 4 stirs add some more garlic. Do this until you have about 1/4 cup of garlic left. Put it in the garage for about 9 or 10 days, make sure its covered. When you get ready to use it dump the rest of the garlic salt in, stir, and go fishing. The salt will make the garlic a lot tougher. You can use a single wire
hook doing it this way.
Instead of Garlic try Anise, Vanilla or what ever you want. Just make sure you add salt (alot) because this is what makes it tough.
CATFISH BLOOD BAIT RECIPE
Find a locker plant that will let you have a set of beef lungs with windpipe still connected. Hang lungs up by windpipe. Pour fresh blood into windpipe. When full hang in cooler until blood coagulates. Leave in cooler 24 hours. Take out of cooler and slice into cubes. Because of the consistency of the lung, the lung absorbs the blood. When you put the slices on the hook, the bait will stay on the hook, but the
blood will still bleed out, re-liquifying in the water.
Forty years ago, my Dad bet a man that he could put a cube of blood bait on a hook and line and drag it behind a pickup, one city block, and bait would still be on hook. I witnessed this incidence.
CATFISH DOUGH BAIT RECIPE
1.5 cups of cornmeal
1 cup of flour
16-20 ounces of Big red
Add cornmeal, flour and anise oil to pot. Use however much anise oil you need. Add almost 3/4 of a bottle of big red. Cook this over medium heat constantly stirring until most of the liquid had been soaked up and the dough is stiff and sticky. Flour a counter surface and transfer the sticky dough on top of it. Here is the important
part, kneed the doughbait, just like you would with a loaf of bread incorporating more flour for at least ten to fifteen minutes. This allows gluten to form in the dough and prevents the bait from just coming off the hook. Kneed more flour into the dough until the dough is not sticky. Use a treble hook and good luck. I have been doing really well with this bait for quite a while. Also when I ran out of anise oil, I crushed about three tablespoons of anise seed into the dough and it did just as well. The nice thing about this dough is it freezes well and lasts a long time.
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything.
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocussed his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap
his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.
One fine evening a man walked into a fast-food chicken place and bought a nine-piece bucket of chicken. He took his chicken to the park for a romantic picnic under the moonlight with his lady.
Upon reaching into the bucket, however, he received a surprise. Instead of chicken he discovered what was apparently the restaurant's night deposit-nine thousand dollars. The young man brought the bucket back to the store and asked for his chicken in exchange for the money. The manager, in awe of the young man's honesty, asked for his name and told him he wanted to call the newspaper and the local news station to do a story on him. He would become a local hero, an example of honesty and morality that would inspire others!
The hungry man shrugged it off. "My date's waiting. I just want my chicken."
The manager's renewed amazement over the young man's humility almost overwhelmed him. He begged to be allowed to tell the story on the news. At this the honest man became angry with the manager and demanded his chicken.
"I don't get it," the manager responded. "You are an honest man in a dishonest world! This is a perfect opportunity to show the world that there are honest people still willing to take a stand for what is right. Please, give me your name and also the woman's name. Is that your wife?"
"That's the problem," said the young man. "My wife is at home. The woman in the car is my girlfriend. Now let me have my chicken so I can get out of here."
---> Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
---> Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
---> Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
---> Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
---> Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
---> Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.
---> Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that.
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when he comes back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
Home Made Laundry Detergent
1 bar Zote soap
1 cup Borax
1 cup baking soda
2.5 gallons hot water
Grate Zote Soap and dissolve in 2 cups of hot water. When soap is dissolved, add it to 2.5 gallons of hot water. Stir in borax and baking powder. You can add powdered color safe bleach 1 cup. Use roughly 1 cup per load.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
A Moving Average is an indicator that shows the average value of a security's price over a period of time. When calculating a moving average, a mathematical analysis of the security's average value over a predetermined time period is made. As the security's price changes, its average price moves up or down.
There are several popular ways to calcuate a moving average.
MetaStock for Java calculates a "simple" moving average--meaning that equal weight is given to each price over the calculation period.
The most popular method of interpreting a moving average is to compare the relationship between a moving average of the security's price with the security's price itself. A buy signal is generated when the security's price rises above its moving average and a sell signal is generated when the security's price falls below its moving average.
This type of moving average trading system is not intended to get you in at the exact bottom nor out at the exact top. Rather, it is designed to keep you in line with the security's price trend by buying shortly after the security's price bottoms and selling shortly after it tops.
The critical element in a moving average is the number of time periods used in calculating the average. When using hindsight, you can always find a moving average that would have been profitable. The key is to find a moving average that will be consistently profitable. The most popular moving average is the 39-week (or 200-day) moving average. This moving average has an excellent track record in timing the major
(long-term) market cycles.
A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.
"I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie.
Poof! A beer appeared.
Next, the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."
Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.
"Oh, man this is the life," the guy thought. "I wish I never had to work again."
And poof! He was back at his desk in the government office!
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Link to site.
From the website:
This site has been developed with the intention of helping students and professionals to sharpen their mind. For years puzzles, mathematical or otherwise, have been very much part of our lives.
It is believed that solving puzzles not only exercises one's brain but also aids lateral thinking. And let us face it; it is a lot of fun.
As we solve the puzzles, it would be fascinating to find that there is always more than one way to arrive at a solution.
I hope this site serves as a guide to people who would like to have fun solving puzzles and exercise their brain. Let us say this is like a gymnasium for our brain. Go ahead and have fun.
The key to solving puzzle is to approach the puzzle with clear mind and with out any preset ideas.
Here is a site (link) that has many flashcards of different types, and which you can download for free.
From the site:
Welcome to Flashcard Plazza, my personal collection of printable flashcards. My name is Putri Utari, an ordinary homeschool mom. I love to make and use flashcards for my children.
Flashcards are in these categories:
Most people are puzzled by the details of Windows Activation, and it is something that could affect them, for example, if they get a failed activation prompt.
So, here is article (link) that explains the details of Windows Activation. As a sample:
What is Microsoft Product Activation?
WPA is the licence that Microsoft uses that limits an install of a Microsoft product such as Windows XP. This would stop you from using your copy of Windows XP you used on your desktop to also work on your laptop.
Windows XP will generally remind you to activate your copy of windows about 30 days after installation (most common with Windows XP Home). This involves your computer contacting Microsoft and giving them some information about the current hardware you have installed. This returns a release code which will be recorded on your system.
What hardware does Windows check?
The system checks these ten categories of hardware:
* Display Adapter
* SCSI Adapter
* IDE Adapter (effectively the motherboard)
* Network Adapter (NIC) and its MAC Address
* RAM Amount Range (i.e., 0-64mb, 64-128mb, etc.)
* Processor Type
* Processor Serial Number
* Hard Drive Device
* Hard Drive Volume Serial Number (VSN)
* CD-ROM / CD-RW / DVD-ROM
One of the most asked questions for the owners of Windows machines. You bought money to buy a new PC, got the Windows operating systems installed on it, and then for some reason, you need to buy / change your computer, you must be wondering about whether you need to buy a new Windows license, or can you use your existing license for this purpose with violating some law ?
Well, here's a great post on Ed Bott's site (link) about being able to transfer the Windows license onto a new machine.
As an example:
However, if you purchased your copy of Windows preinstalled on a PC from a so-called “royalty OEM” - i.e., one of the largest 20 PC makers - then it is system-locked, and your CD and license key will only reinstall on the same computer (or one with an identical motherboard and BIOS).
AutoIt v3 is a freeware BASIC-like scripting language designed for automating the Windows GUI and general scripting. It uses a combination of simulated keystrokes, mouse movement and window/control manipulation in order to automate tasks in a way not possible or reliable with other languages (e.g. VBScript and SendKeys). AutoIt is also very small, self-contained and will run on all versions of Windows out-of-the-box with no annoying "runtimes" required!
* Easy to learn BASIC-like syntax
* Simulate keystrokes and mouse movements
* Manipulate windows and processes
* Interact with all standard windows controls
* Scripts can be compiled into standalone executables
* Create Graphical User Interfaces (GUIs)
* COM support
* Regular expressions
* Directly call external DLL and Windows API functions
* Scriptable RunAs functions
* Detailed helpfile and large community-based support forums
* Compatible with Windows 95 / 98 / ME / NT4 / 2000 / XP / 2003 / Vista / 2008
* Unicode and x64 support
* Digitally signed for peace of mind
* Works with Windows Vista's User Account Control (UAC)
Read more and download at this link.
Drunk driving is a public menace, and very dangerous indeed.
The Bob campaign aims to raise awareness of the dangers of driving while intoxicated; drivers with high blood alcohol content are at increased risk of car accidents, highway injuries and vehicular deaths. Alongside the general information that is offered during the campaign, there is an increased police surveillance, especially during the weeks running up to Christmas and New Year's Eve. But most of all, the campaign focuses on a designated driver approach.
The Bob campaign originated in Belgium, in 1995, and the concept has been picked up in The Netherlands, and also Luxemburg, France and Greece will follow, with every country adapting the formula to their audience.
Read more at Wikipedia.
There is this site (link) that provides a lot of information about tweaking the UAC mode of Windows Vista.
TweakUAC(TM) is a free software tool that you can use to quickly turn UAC (User Account Control of Windows Vista) on or off, or to make UAC operate in the quiet mode. Some of the options that can be set through this tool are:
- Turn UAC off
- Switch UAC to the quiet mode
- Leave UAC on
Boot Configuration Data (BCD) files provide a store that is used to describe boot applications and boot application settings. The objects and elements in the store effectively replace Boot.ini.
BCDEdit is a command-line tool for managing BCD stores. It can be used for a variety of purposes, including creating new stores, modifying existing stores, adding boot menu options, and so on. BCDEdit serves essentially the same purpose as Bootcfg.exe on earlier versions of Windows, but with two major improvements:
• BCDEdit exposes a wider range of boot options than Bootcfg.exe.
• BCDEdit has improved scripting support.
BCDEdit is the primary tool for editing the boot configuration of Windows Vista and later versions of Windows. It is included with the Windows Vista distribution in the %WINDIR%\System32 folder.
BCDEdit is limited to the standard data types and is designed primarily to perform single common changes to BCD. For more complex operations or nonstandard data types, consider using the BCD Windows Management Instrumentation (WMI) application programming interface (API) to create more powerful and flexible custom tools.
Read more at this link.
With EasyBCD, almost anything is possible. Setting up and configuring Windows boot entries is simple, and there is no easier way to quickly boot right into Linux, Mac OS X, or BSD straight from the Windows Vista bootloader - on the fly, no expert knowledge needed!
EasyBCD is geared for users of all kinds. Whether you just want to add an entry to your old XP partition or want to create a duplicate for testing purposes; if you're interested in debugging the Windows Kernel or septuple-booting your seven test operating systems, EasyBCD is the key.
Automated MBR and BCD backups, boot sector restore kits, support for a dozen+ operating systems, detailed configuration of all boot entries, and award-winning guaranteed technical support is what makes EasyBCD stand out - all for free!
Read more and download from this location.
Features (With a free version for home users)
# Quick, Complete and Custom Scanning of Hard Drives, Removable Drives, Memory, Registry, Individual Folders and More! Includes Trusting Items and Excluding Folders for complete customization of scanning!
# Detect and Remove Spyware, Adware, Malware, Trojans, Dialers, Worms, KeyLoggers, HiJackers, Parasites, Rootkits and many other types of threats.
# Light on System Resources and won't slow down your computer like many other anti-spyware products. Won't conflict with your existing anti-spyware or anti-virus solution!
# Repair broken Internet Connections, Desktops, Registry Editing and more with our unique Repair System!
# Multi-Dimensional Scanning detects existing threats as well as threats of the future by analyzing threat characteristics in addition to code patterns.
# First Chance Prevention examines over 50 critical points of your system each time your system starts up and shuts down to eliminate threats before they have a chance to infect and infiltrate your system.
# Process Interrogation Technology allows threats to be detected no matter where they are hiding on your system.
Read more and download from this link.
Whether you manage computers in a school computer lab or an Internet cafe, a library, or even in your home, Windows SteadyState helps make it easy for you to keep your computers running the way you want them to, no matter who uses them.
Windows SteadyState includes the following features to help you manage your shared computers:
* Getting Started – Provides the initial steps to help you during your first time use of Windows SteadyState.
* Windows Disk Protection – Help protect the Windows partition, which contains the Windows operating system and other programs, from being modified without administrator approval.Windows SteadyState allows you to set Windows Disk Protection to remove all changes upon restart, to remove changes at a certain date and time, or to not remove changes at all. If you choose to use Windows Disk Protection to remove changes, any changes made by shared users when they are logged on to the computer are removed when the computer is restarted
* User Restrictions and Settings – The user restrictions and settings can help to enhance and simplify the user experience. Restrict user access to programs, settings, Start menu items, and options in Windows. You can also lock shared user accounts to prevent changes from being retained from one session to the next.
* User Account Manager – Create and delete user accounts. You can use Windows SteadyState to create user accounts on alternative drives that will retain user data and settings even when Windows Disk Protection is turned on. You can also import and export user settings from one computer to another—saving valuable time and resources.
* Computer Restrictions – Control security settings, privacy settings, and more, such as preventing users from creating and storing folders in drive C and from opening Microsoft Office documents from Internet Explorer®.
* Schedule Software Updates – Update your shared computer with the latest software and security updates when it is convenient for you and your shared users.
Read more and download at this link.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh!t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your t@mpon?
7. I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here - I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn
22. Yes, I am an agent of 5atan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny a55ed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f..king people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's He11 with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh, I get it. Like humour. Only different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to k!ll.
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary
39. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your
country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr.Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr.Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house!
A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!!But there’s electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."
U.S.A. You say "fuck you" to the president of U.S.A. .
Nothing happens, you become famous, they make you write a book and you make millions of dollars. But meanwhile the President sues you and gets all the money you have.
ENGLAND You say "fuck you" to the queen of England.
The queen says "fuck you" to you too.
FRANCE You say "fuck you" to the president of France.
Millions of people supports you and says "fuck you" to the president. Meanwhile the president of France writes poems because of his sadness.
JAPAN You say "fuck you" to the king of Japan.
The king says "I'm sorry; I'm not interested on your body."
GERMANY You say "fuck you" to the president of Germany.
The police come and say "Please don't fuck the president".
SWEDEN You say "fuck you" to the king of Sweden.
People votes if they accept you to fuck the king or not. If the answer is yes you fuck the president. If the answer is no, the king shakes your hand.
ROMANIA You say "fuck you" to the president of Romania.
The president starts dancing with you with gypsy music.
TURKEY You say "fuck you" to the president of Turkey.
The president takes his gun and shoots you. He goes to jail for 8 years or escapes the country and Greece welcomes him as a political refugee.
GREECE You say "fuck you" to the president of Greece.
The president takes his gun and shoots you. He goes to jail for 8 years or escapes the country and Turkey welcomes him as a political refugee.
CHINA You say "fuck you" to the president of China.
The president literally fucks you.
ITALY You say "fuck you" to the president of Italy.
You get price quotes from the mafia for realizing your passion.
RUSSIA You say "fuck you" to the president of Russia.
The president kisses your mouth.
SAUDI ARABIA You say "fuck you" to the president ...
But there is no president, you become foolish. But if you say "fuck you"to the king, the king cuts your tongue.
PAKISTAN You say "fuck you" to the president of Pakistan.
The president calls you a terrorist and hands over to the Americans for dollars.
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have a disease?" Of course the Madam said "No". He said, "But I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. And "THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right and he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back,still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and was headed out the door when the Madam stopped him, and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home and on the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and he will catch the disease, and He's the bastard who ran over my Frog!"
Add a few drops of lemon juice, (fresh or bottled) to some water and use it as a facial toner. During hot weather, fill a spray bottle with water and add some lemon juice. Chill the bottle and use it as a quick pick-me-up and cooling body spritz...
Just rub a slice of orange on your face. It revives dull skin.
Follow with a cool rinse...
For an instant facelift, dab egg whites over your face, sit very still until it dries, then apply makeup. Consider it a temporary "poor woman's Botox"
Mash one up, mix in a little lemon juice, and apply to face and neck and let it dry. This is a great firming mixture...
Yep, out of the can. It's a great conditioner for the face or whole body. Just slather it on in the shower, wait a few seconds, (or longer if you wish), and rinse...
Put a few spoons in an ice cube tray section, add water, and freeze. Rub it on a pimple and it takes down swelling in a few minutes...
A pastor was working late on a Saturday night at the Almighty God Tabernacle. Around 10:00PM he decided to call his wife before he left for home. Although the pastor let the phone ring several times, his wife didn't answer. A few moments later he
tried again and she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that the phone hadn't rung.
The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office. The caller wanted to know why the pastor had called him Saturday night.
The pastor was confused. The caller said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered the incident and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife and must have dialed the wrong number.
The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide that night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I
looked at the Caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God.' I was just too afraid to answer!"
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.
So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43." Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it.
He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells. "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor. So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.
One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!" Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the town.
A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.
"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"
---> Hike = Up the rear
---> Reverse = 69
---> Sack = Girl takes control and gets frisky
---> 2pt. conversion = multiple orgasms
---> Prevent Defense = Condom/protection
---> Face Mask = guy pulls girl head down to blow him
---> Shotgun = Touchdown in a car
---> Two minute warning = Guy gives the girl a warning before he blows his load.
---> Holding = Cuddling
---> Superbowl = Wedding or Prom night
---> Huddle = Multiple participants
---> Madden '99 = Cyber sex
---> Instant replay = When you tape the two of you having sex Illegal
---> Use of the hands = Masturbation
---> Ball Hog = Slut
---> onfiltered= Making up after a fight
---> Double Header = Two mates in the same night
---> Tight End = Virgin
---> Wide Receiver = Girl that's loose
---> False Start = Guy/Girl gets shut down (denied)
---> Pass Interference = Some stupid kid interrupts before you can get some
---> Fumble = cheating (problem in the relationship)
---> Putting it through the uprights = self explanatory
---> Special Teams = Prostitute/Gigolo
---> Unsportsmanlike Conduct = Bragging to your friends about your activities
---> Double Coverage = Two condoms
The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ some people from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.
Prime Minister George Brown went on record as saying that this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 2 crates of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get
He did! All the while, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it?" (Can you see where this is heading?)
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the
man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs and walks in circles.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says,
"Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him."
1) Make sure to keep a charged 5 lb. Fire extinguisher in your kitchen. Failing that, keep baking soda or salt on hand. These are natural fire extinguishers. However, be aware that it takes quite a lot of one or the other to extinguish a fire. For a grease fire in a frying pan, a large-enough pot lid placed on top will deprive the flames of oxygen and smother them.
2) Never force-open your self-cleaning oven door before it has unlocked by itself. The extremely high heat inside the oven during the cleaning process is very dangerous.
3) Ashes thrown out in a cardboard box could re-ignite. Store cooled ashes in a tightly covered metal container outside of your home.
4) Store all flammables (i.e. Gas, turpentine, paints, propane, etc.) in an outdoor shed.
5) Be careful with cleaning supplies. Certain products when mixed together can be lethal. For example, chlorine and bleach mixed together can explode.
6) Chlorine is highly flammable and must be stored outside.
7) Gas-soaked rags should never be crumpled up and tossed in a corner or in a cardboard box or thrown out with paper, cardboard, etc. The gas will heat up instead of evaporating causing the rag to ignite. Air the rags outside by laying them
flat so the gas can evaporate.
8) Never clean anything with gas or turpentine inside your home. Gas vapors are heavier than air and will settle near the floor. Any spark can trigger an explosion or flame, for example, a spark from a hot water heater or furnace.
9) Keep furnaces and gas water heaters clear of piled-up boxes or any other combustibles.
10) Keep baseboard and electric space heaters free of hanging curtains and by all means avoid using them to dry such items as mittens and socks.
11) Have your chimney cleaned each year to prevent creosote build-up and inspect it frequently for obstructions and damage.
12) Test your smoke detector batteries regularly.
13) Don't overload your electrical outlets and never run extensions under a carpet.
14) Never replace a burnt fuse with a penny.
15) Finally, plan and practice an escape route with your family and agree upon a round-up area to make sure everyone is accounted for during an emergency.
Children explore the sense of touch and have fun with farm animal art.
Pale pink construction paper
Marking pens or crayons
Mud or dirt (Potting soil does not work well for this project. It needs to be real earth dirt.)
What to do:
1. Using pale pink construction paper, cut out a large profile of a pig's body (do not cut out the legs or tail).
2. Wet the dirt so it is a nice consistency for finger painting.
3. Have the children draw on one eye, one traingle ear, one snout nostril (this is only one side of his face) and a mouth.
4. Have child glue pig body onto a bigger sheet of paper and draw four legs and a curly tail.
5. Have the children finger paint mud on the pig.
More to do:
Children can mud finger paint on a big sheet of slick paper on or the table just for fun.
--1 quart skim milk
--1 Tablespoon white vinegar
--3/4 Tablespoon baking soda
--10 ounces water
--Pour milk and vinegar in a double boiler.
--Cook on low heat, stirring as curds form.
--Drain off liquid.
--Wash off the remaining curds with water until the vinegar smell is gone. Place into a clean bowl.
--Dissolve the baking soda in water and pour over the curds.
--Stir until a white paste forms.
--Place in suitable containers.
Here are ten easy crafting how-to's and tips with a little something for everyone. I hope you find them helpful, inspiring and fun.
1. When making dried flower arrangements, be creative about the containers you use. You can use anything that will hold the flowers including a dump truck, football helmet, old watering can, china cup, basket or anything that suits your fancy.
2. Save your old phone book and use it to press flowers and pretty leaves for
decorating items around the house. Just open the phone book, lay the flower or leaf flat on a page and close the book. They will be dry in about a week, then you can put them in/on frames, cards or use them to decoupage items such as candles or paper boxes. Most any flower can be pressed, but the flatter ones such as pansies work the best. You can also separate petals and press them individually.
3. To decoupage, you can add water to white glue until it's the consistency of cream. Brush this solution on the item you are decoupaging, carefully put the flower on, then very carefully brush on a top coat of the glue solution. Let dry and add another coat if necessary. If you want to make a design of flowers and leaves, be sure to lay it out first to find the best look. You can also add pressed flowers to pictures of the family, or other pictures in frames. When putting into frames, you can use decorative paper to mount the flowers onto, then frame.
4. For a shaped (heart, square, oval) grapevine wreath, bend florist wire into the desired shape then weave fresh grapevine around it until you get the look you want. Be sure to put more vine on than you think is necessary because the vine shrinks a lot as it dries. Lay the wreath on newspaper until is is thoroughly dry.
5. A fun thing to do is dress up a purchased doll or stuffed animal with your crochet and/or crafts. You can purchase a new doll or stuffed animal, go to the thrift store to get one, or, if you have kids, use one of theirs. Once you have your doll, take a good look at it and decide what type and color of clothes would look good on it. You can then look for a crochet pattern, sewing pattern, or purchased clothes that suits. Once you have the doll or stuffed animal dressed, you can add accessories like crafted or purchased hair ribbons, crocheted or sewn socks, buttons, shoes, miniature items, homemade jewelry and more. I'm sure that in the process of doing this you'll come up with a name for it. If you don't get too attached, you can sell it at a bazaar or give it as a gift to one of your loved ones or a friend. It's a fun thing to do.
6. If you crochet, be sure to save your yarn scraps because they make excellent stuffing for pillows or stuffed animals.
7. If you knit or crochet, put balls of yarn in a coffee can. Punch holes in the lid and string each yarn through a different hole.
8. Use a soap sliver as pin cushion. It will also lubricate the tips of the pins & needles so they slide easily into stiff fabrics.
9. Use cut-up, old pantyhose as stuffing for pillows or stuffed animals.
10. Large bottle caps such as liquid laundry detergent bottle caps make great
disposable containers for glue or paint.
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"
- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You are proud of your lawn mower.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- Neighbors borrow your tools.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- You have dreams about prunes.
- You answer a question with "because I said so!"
- You send money to PBS.
- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
- You take a metal detector to the beach.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You go bowling without drinking.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
A Nun asked her class to write a letter to God. Here are some of the results:
---> Dear God:
Instead of letting people die and making new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have? - Johnny
---> Dear God:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. It worked with me and my brother. - Larry
---> Dear God:
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey
---> Dear God:
Is it true my father won't get into Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita
---> Dear God:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma
---> Dear God:
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell.
When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.
The first guy says "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."
The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of.
The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.
The second guy says, "It's the women. I could never stay faithful to my wife."
The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that you have ever seen. And he would be the only guy in there for 100 years.
He couldn't believe it. His dick was instantly hard and he went hauling ass into the room and the Devil shut the door.
The third man said "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up."
The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky,
take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud.
The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.
One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men.
He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says.
The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.
The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams.
The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well.
The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago.
The devil asks him if he learned anything.
The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek.
"You gotta a light, man?"
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.
Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
You receive care packages from Europe.
Your bologna has no first name.
You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.
McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."
The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked:
'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
She got the raise
The baggy yellow shirt had long sleeves, four extra-large pockets trimmed in black thread and snaps up the front. It was faded from years of wear, but still in decent shape. I found it in 1963 when I was home from college on Christmas break, rummaging through bags of clothes Mom intended to give away.
"You're not taking that old thing, are you?" Mom said when she saw me packing the yellow shirt. "I wore that when I was pregnant with your brother in 1954!" "It's just the thing to wear over my clothes during art class, Mom. Thanks!" I slipped it into my suitcase before she could object. The yellow shirt became a part of my college wardrobe. I loved it. After graduation, I wore the shirt the day I moved into my new
apartment and on Saturday mornings when I cleaned.
The next year, I married. When I became pregnant, I wore the yellow shirt during big-belly days. I missed Mom and the rest of my family, since we were in Colorado and they were in Illinois. But that shirt helped. I smiled, remembering that Mother had worn it when she was pregnant, 15 years earlier.
That Christmas, mindful of the warm feelings the shirt had given me, I patched one elbow, wrapped it in holiday paper and sent it to Mom. When Mom wrote to thank me for her "real" gifts, she said the yellow shirt was lovely. She never mentioned it again.
The next year, my husband, daughter and I stopped at Mom and Dad's to pick up some furniture. Days later, when we uncrated the kitchen table, I noticed something yellow taped to its bottom. The shirt! And so the pattern was set.
On our next visit home, I secretly placed the shirt under Mom and Dad's mattress. I don't know how long it took for her to find it, but almost two years passed before I discovered it under the base of our living-room floor lamp. The yellow shirt was just what I needed now while refinishing furniture. The walnut stains added character.
In 1975 my husband and I divorced. With my three children, I prepared to move back to Illinois. As I packed, a deep depression overtook me. I wondered if I could make it on my own. I wondered if I would find a job. I paged through the Bible, looking for comfort. In Ephesians, I read, "So use every piece of God's armor to resist the enemy whenever he attacks, and when it is all over, you will be standing up." I tried to
picture myself wearing God's armor, but all I saw was the stained yellow
shirt. Slowly, it dawned on me. Wasn't my mother's love a piece of God's armour? My courage was renewed.
Unpacking in our new home, I knew I had to get the shirt back to Mother. The next time I visited her, I tucked it in her bottom dresser drawer. Meanwhile, I found a good job at a radio station. A year later I discovered the yellow shirt hidden in a rag bag in my cleaning closet. Something new had been added. Embroidered in bright green across the breast pocket were the words "I BELONG TO PAT." Not to be outdone, I got out my own embroidery materials and added an apostrophe and seven more letters. Now the shirt proudly proclaimed, "I BELONG TO PAT'S MOTHER." But I didn't stop there. I zigzagged all the frayed seams, then had a friend mail the shirt in a fancy box to Mom from Arlington, VA. We enclosed an official looking letter from "The Institute for the Destitute," announcing that she was the recipient of an award for good deeds. I would have given anything to see Mom's face when she opened the box. But, of course, she never mentioned it.
Two years later, in 1978, I remarried. The day of our wedding, Harold and I put our car in a friend's garage to avoid practical jokers. After the wedding, while my husband drove us to our honeymoon suite, I reached for a pillow in the car to rest my head. It felt lumpy. I unzipped the case and found, wrapped in wedding paper, the yellow shirt. Inside a pocket was a note: "Read John 14:27-29. I love you both, Mother."
That night I paged through the Bible in a hotel room and found the verses: "I am leaving you with a gift: peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again. If you really love me, you will be very happy for me, for now I can go to the Father, who is greater than I am.
I have told you these things before they happen so that when they do, you will believe in me."
The shirt was Mother's final gift. She had known for three months that she had terminal Lou Gehrig's disease. Mother died the following year at age 57. I was tempted to send the yellow shirt with her to her grave. But I'm glad I didn't, because it is a vivid reminder of the love-filled game she and I played for 16 years. Besides, my older daughter is in college now, majoring in art. And every art student needs a baggy yellow shirt with big pockets.
One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, [the complainer] said OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.
My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El Take-0. They love to hate each other.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet.
The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.
1. The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering, "What the hell happened to your bra and panties?"
2. The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
3. The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
4. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
5. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
6. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
7. The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
8. The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
9. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
10. The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.
11. The crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tihnk you can tipe real gode.
12 The consumption of Alcohol may leave you clothesless.
For a vacation, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.
He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard ploughed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
A little old Jewish lady has taken her young grandson to the beach and he is playing in the shallow water. She is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the little boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He has simply vanished into the sea.
The grandmother raises her hands high up toward the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you take him? Have I not been a wonderful grandmother? Have I not been a wonderful mother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith? Have I not given to Hadassah? Have I not lit candles every Friday night at dusk? Have I not tried my very best to live the life that you would have me live?"
A loud voice booms down from the sky, "Okay, okay, already!"
A few seconds later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the little boy is playing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The loud voice booms again, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
The grandmother looks at the boy for a moment, cups her hands to her mouth and yells up at the sky, "He had a hat!"