Great-aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews, seems she had relatives all over the country. Problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read the books about how safe it was, and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Great-aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews, seems she had relatives all over the country. Problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read the books about how safe it was, and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
The meaning of the term ‘Osteoporosis’ originates from ‘Osteo’ meaning bone, and ‘porosis’ implying thinning or becoming more porous. Hence, osteoporosis literally means ‘thinning of bone’. Medically, Osteoporosis is a disease of bone in which the bone mineral density (BMD) is reduced which means one has a low bone mass and deteriorating bone tissue. In simple words the bones become thin, brittle and may be easily broken. Bone mass (bone density) is the amount of bone present in the skeletal structure. The higher the density the stronger are the bones. Bone density is strongly influenced by genetic factors, which in turn are sometimes modified by environmental factors and medications.
If Osteoporosis is not prevented in the early stages or if left untreated, osteoporosis can progress painlessly until the bone tends to break. These broken bones, also known as fractures, occur typically in the hip, spine, and wrist. The fracture caused by osteoporosis can be either in the form of cracking (as in a hip fracture), or collapsing (as in a compression fracture of the vertebrae of the spine). Though thee spine, hips, and wrists are common areas of osteoporosis- related bone fractures almost any skeletal bone area is susceptible to osteoporosis- related fracture.
The consequences of osteoporosis may impair a person for life. A hip fracture may impair a person's ability to walk and may cause permanent disability or even death despite hospitalization and major surgery. The Spinal or vertebral fractures also have serious consequences, including loss of height, severe back pain, and deformity. Osteoporosis can cause a person to stoop forward and appear to have a hump on his or her spine. While osteoporosis occurs in men and pre-menopausal women, the problem is predominant among postmenopausal women.
Though the disease can strike at any age statistics reveal:
-One in four women over the age of 50 has osteoporosis.
-One in eight men over 50 also has the disease.
Symptoms for Osteoporosis common signs and symptoms for Osteoporosis Many people do not realize they have osteoporosis until diagnosis reveals it has subsisted for a long period of time. The following are some of the common signs and symptoms indicating osteoporosis maybe affecting you:
-Acute onset of back pain (mid- lower back) without any specific reason
-Fracture in the thigh bone, hipbone or lower arm bone above the wrist.
-Sharp pain in the back, ribs, hip or wrist
-A hunched forward or bent stature
-Loss of height due to collapsing vertebrae.
Risk Factors for Osteoporosis Although there are many ways to build stronger bones, those who are most prone to osteoporosis also must be aware of what behaviors and other factors can contribute to bone loss. The following are some bone robbers that you will want to avoid or limit for the health of your bones.
Alcohol. It's been suggested that small amounts of alcohol, say three to six drinks per week, may actually help your body to retain calcium and prevent osteoporosis by raising estrogen levels. But too much alcohol clearly weakens bones and damages your overall health. And the flip side to the estrogen coin is that the higher estrogen levels that are associated with moderate alcohol intake may be linked to an increased risk for breast cancer. So if you imbibe at all, go easy.
Smoking. Women who smoke tend to reach menopause earlier than nonsmokers, and this may be what increases their risk for osteoporosis. Smoking may also encourage bone loss in other ways that have yet to be identified. Ask your doctor for help in quitting.
Estrogen replacement therapy. After a woman experiences menopause, estrogen therapy can help forestall bone loss. The amount of estrogen required to both prevent bone loss and alleviate the symptoms of menopause is small, actually less than that in a typical birth control pill. Still, there are risks and possible side effects. So be sure to thoroughly discuss the pros and cons of estrogen replacement with your doctor.
Being overweight. This may be one of the few conditions where being overweight actually offer some protection. It's not known exactly why. It could be because the extra weight strengthens bone, or it could be that overweight women produce more estrogen than slender women. Considering the potential negative health effects that are associated with being overweight, such as the increased risks of high blood pressure and diabetes, it is not recommended that you purposely gain excess weight or stay overweight to prevent osteoporosis. However, it certainly highlights one of the many potential negative side effects of the waif-like, model-thin figure that is often glorified in the fashion industry and that is generally attainable only through disordered, unhealthy eating behaviors.
Pregnancy. Your risk of developing osteoporosis is greater if you have never been pregnant. Though being pregnant lowers your risk, it's not known if multiple pregnancies lower your risk further or whether, in fact, they might actually increase it.
Caffeine. Excessive caffeine intake, whether from coffee or other caffeinated drinks, can cause your body to lose calcium, but the effects are not quite as extreme as once thought. The amount of caffeine in a cup of coffee cancels the calcium in only about one tablespoon of milk.
Still, it's probably a good idea to keep your daily caffeine intake to no more than about three cups of brewed coffee or four cups of brewed tea. Keep in mind that other food products, including caffeinated soft drinks, can add to your caffeine intake.
Inactivity. It has been proven beyond a doubt that regular physical activity is absolutely crucial to maintaining bone health throughout your life, so being sedentary means you're missing a simple, inexpensive, low-risk way to prevent calcium from leaching out of your bones -- perhaps the simplest way to keep your bones healthy and strong. Indeed, it's like letting calcium simply slip through your fingers.
Protein. In the United States, we generally eat far more protein than we need for good health. And it's believed that a high protein intake causes calcium to be excreted. Over time, this calcium loss, if not compensated for with dietary calcium, will come from the bones.
Long-term use of certain medications. People suffering from asthma or rheumatoid arthritis who take cortisone (a steroid) for long periods may diminish the strength of their bones.
Being Female. Women are several times more likely to develop osteoporosis than are men.
Race. Caucasians are at greater risk for developing osteoporosis than darker-skinned people are. Far fewer black women develop osteoporosis than do whites. People of Asian descent are also at higher risk for osteoporosis.
Bone structure. Small or petite women are at greater risk because of their small bones. If they experience the same rate of bone loss as larger women, they will develop osteoporosis sooner, simply because they have less bone to start with.
Early menopause. The earlier a woman experiences menopause, the greater her risk of osteoporosis. Risk also increases if a woman has a surgical menopause -- a hysterectomy, or removal of the uterus, or a double oophorectomy, or removal of both ovaries -- at an early age and is not put on hormone replacement therapy. If only the uterus is removed but the ovaries are left intact, the woman will likely experience normal menopausal symptoms in her early 50s, on average, and her risk will not be increased.
Family history. Many women with osteoporosis have at least one family member who has the disease. Still, a lack of family history doesn't rule out the possibility that a woman will develop osteoporosis.
The fight against osteoporosis is a lifelong one. It is never too early to start the proper behavior that will help protect your bones in the long run. In the next section, we'll provide several home remedies in the form of lifestyle choices that you can make to prevent or hinder osteoporosis.
Causes for Osteoporosis
Most Common Causes for Osteoporosis There are multiple reasons that could lead to osteoporosis.
Here are some of the most common reasons that have been known to cause osteoporosis:
-Among women the deficiency of Estrogen (a group of hormones) post menopause has been correlated to a rapid reduction in BMD.
-The increased risk of falling associated with aging, leads to fractures of the wrist, spine and hip.
-Other hormone deficiency states can lead to osteoporosis, such as testosterone deficiency. Glucocorticoid or thyroxine excess states also lead to osteoporosis.
-Not eating foods rich in Calcium, Vitamin D and Phosphorous can also cause bone loss. Calcium and/or vitamin D deficiency from malnutrition also increases the risk of osteoporosis.
-Some medicines can inhibit the body’s ability to absorb calcium. This may cause the bones to weaken. These medications include cortisone/corticost eroids, anticoagulants, thyroid supplements, and some anti-convulsive drugs.
-Other illnesses or diseases, such over-active thyroid, diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis may also cause bone loss. A disease such as anorexia nervosa or bulimia can cause changes in a person's estrogen level and lead to osteoporosis.
-Other significant factors leading to the onset of osteoporosis include: smoking cigarettes, high intake of alcohol, tea or coffee, low levels of physical activity (weight bearing exercise), and family history.
Remedies for Osteoporosis
Simple tips to tackle Osteoporosis If Osteoporosis has been diagnosed in the early stages one can follow a simple routine to regain health naturally.
Here are some simple tips to tackle osteoporosis sans medication:
-Exercise to build strong bones: Exercise for atleast thirty minutes comprising of weight-bearing exercise such as walking or jogging, three times a week. This regime has been proven to increase bone mineral density, and reduce the risk of falls by strengthening the major muscle groups in the legs and back.
-Water Walking: is another suggested exercise to combat osteoporosis. Walking in chest-deep water for about 30 minutes at least three times a week is a suggested remedy as water helps support the body weight and take stress off bones and joints.
-Dandelion Tea: Drink dandelion leaf tea to help build bone density
-Higher intake of Soy products: As Hormonal imbalances can contribute to bone loss, eating more soy products or taking a supplement that contains soy isoflavones, the active ingredient in soybeans helps balance estrogen levels. One should get at least 40 mg of soy isoflavones in a daily diet or by taking isoflavone supplements.
-Chaste Berry: Chaste berry contains vitexicarpin and vitricin, which help to keep hormone levels in balance. It is advisable to take atleast 250 mg a day of a standardized extract of this herb every day for two to three months.
-Dong Quai: Dong quai has been used in Chinese medicine for thousands of years to address menstrual disorders, PMS, and infertility. It also helps keep hormone levels in balance. It is advisable to take 250 mg of a standardized extract of dong quai daily as a tonic herb.
-Black Cohosh: A recent study indicates this popular herb may help prevent osteoporosis. Most studies recommend an intake of either 20 or 40 mg of black cohosh extract twice a day.
-Sesame seeds: A handful of sesame seeds had every morning may also help osteoporosis.
-Almond Milk: Another home remedy for osteoporosis is calcium- rich almond milk. One can have the almond milk by soaking the almonds in warm water, peeling it and blending it with either cow milk, goat’s milk or soya milk.
Home Remedies from the Cupboard
Beans. Take a can of beans -- or any one-pound can -- and do a few biceps curls. These cans are a perfect weight for beginners and will help you begin to build a little muscle. And strengthening your muscles helps strengthen your bones.
Peanut butter. A recent review of studies on nutrition and osteoporosis found that magnesium was a vital component to strengthening, preserving, and rebuilding bones. You can get 50 mg of magnesium by eating 2 tablespoons of peanut butter.
Vinegar. A splash of vinegar when you are cooking soup will help pull calcium out of bones. It does the same thing for salad greens, so you should make it your new favorite dressing!
Home Remedies from the Fruit Basket
Apples. Boron is a trace mineral that helps your body hold on to calcium -- the building block of bones. It even acts as a mild estrogen replacement, and losing estrogen is instrumental in speeding bone loss. Boron is found in apples and other fruits such as pears, grapes, dates, raisins, and peaches. It's also in nuts such as almonds, peanuts, and hazelnuts.
Banana. Eat a banana a day to build your bones. Studies have found that women who have diets high in potassium also have stronger bones in their spines and hips. Researchers think this is related to potassium's ability to keep blood healthy and balanced so the body doesn't have to suck calcium from the skeleton to keep blood up to par.
Home Remedies from the Refrigerator
Broccoli. Eat 1/2 cup broccoli to get your daily dose of vitamin K. Studies are finding that postmenopausal women with low levels of this vital vitamin are more likely to have osteoporosis.
Figs. This Mediterranian delight is packed with calcium.
Leafy greens. Romaine lettuce, spinach, collards, and kale are good choices.
Margarine. Slather a teaspoon of low trans fatty margarine on your toast for a dose of vitamin D. Vitamin D helps the body absorb calcium, a necessary ingredient to bone health.
Milk. When it comes to strong bones, getting enough calcium is a must. One cup of milk can provide 300 mg of the 1,000 to 1,200 mg of calcium the government recommends you get every day.
Orange juice. Grab a glass of OJ to get your vitamin C. Necessary for the body processes that rebuild bones, getting enough vitamin C is vital to preventing osteoporosis. Grab some calcium-fortified orange juice and get a healthy dose of bone-building nutrients.
Pineapple juice. Drink a cup of pineapple juice and give your body some manganese. Studies are finding that manganese deficiency is a predictor of osteoporosis. Other manganese sources are oatmeal, nuts, beans, cereals, spinach, and tea.
Salmon and Sardines. Both of these delicious fishes are high in calcium, and salmon is also a good source of vitamin D.
Tofu. Soy is showing promise as a potential bone strengthener. Soy contains proteins that act like a weak estrogen in the body. These "phytoestrogens, " or plant-based estrogens, may help women regain bone strength.
Yogurt. The lactose, or sugar, in yogurt, has already been broken down, so even many people who are lactose intolerant can eat it and get the benefits of the high calcium content. Eat it with fresh fruit or substitute it for sour cream in recipes.
Home Remedies from the Supplement Shelf
Calcium. If you don't get enough calcium in your diet, be sure to use a supplement to help prevent osteoporosis.
Our calcium needs vary throughout our lives. An adequate intake, as recommended by the Institute of Medicine of the National Academy of Sciences, is 1,300 milligrams (mg) for boys and girls ages 9 to 18; 1,000 mg for men and women ages 19 to 50; and 1,200 mg for people over 50 (the intake for older adults is higher because with age the body naturally loses some of its ability to absorb the mineral). Most of us don't come close to reaching the recommended adequate intake.
Here are some simple tricks for sneaking more calcium into your diet:
Use milk instead of water to mix up hot cereals, hot chocolate, and soups.
Substitute plain yogurt for half the mayonnaise in dressings.
Add liquid or powdered skim milk to coffee instead of oily nondairy creamer or fattening cream.
Get started today by following the simple home remedies outlined in this article. Your bones will thank you.
Diet for Osteoporosis
Some diet tips to keep osteoporosis at bay One needs to bring a few changes to lifestyle factors and diet to overcome the effects of osteoporosis.
Here are some diet tips one can adhere to and keep osteoporosis at bay:
-It is recommended that one should include 1500mg of calcium daily either via dietary means or via supplementation. For measurement purposes, it is important to note that an 8 oz glass of milk contains approximately 300 mg of calcium. Calcium supplements are an effective alternative option. These come in a variety of forms. The body can absorb only about 500 mg of calcium at one time and so intake should be spread throughout the day.
-Bones need nourishment from calcium, vitamin D, and phosphorous. A poor diet lacking these essential vitamins and minerals contributes to osteoporosis. Foods rich in calcium are especially necessary to maintaining healthy bones. Dairy products (milk, cheese, and yogurt) salmon, sardines, almonds, dark green leafy vegetables and broccoli are good sources of calcium.
-Apparently, bones are not made from calcium alone. They're an amalgam that includes various minerals such as zinc, boron and copper. Doctors suggest that these trace elements can be ingested through a varied and broad-based diet that includes mostly unprocessed foods, such as whole grains, beans, fresh fruits and vegetables, fish and shellfish and lean meat.
-Foods high in boron (a mineral that helps the body hold calcium) are beneficial for those affected by osteoporosis. Boron is found in apples, pears, grapes and other fruit, as well as in legumes, nuts and honey.
-Manganese is another beneficial mineral. Traces of manganese are largely found in pineapples, nuts, spinach, beans and whole wheat.
-Brussels sprouts are known to prevent diseases like cancer, birth defects, osteoporosis and heart trouble. Brussels sprouts provide essential vitamin K (this vitamin activates a protein found in bones, call osteocalcin, which holds calcium molecules in place) helps protect against osteoporosis.
-Inculcate a life style change by quitting cigarette smoking, limiting alcohol intake, and exercising regularly. It is important to note that a few studies have suggested an adverse effect of calcium excess on bone density and reports indicate the milk industry has been misleading customers. It has been reported that excess consumption of dairy products may cause acification, which leeches calcium from the system. Therefore, it is claimed that vegetables and nuts are a better source of calcium and milk products are better avoided.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked,
"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love !
In a small town, a person decided to open up his Bar business, which
was right opposite to the Temple. The Temple & its congregation
started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and
prayed daily against his business.
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about
to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it
was burnt to the ground.
The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till
the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the
Temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible
for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect
actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all
responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to
the bar shop's demise. As the case made its way into court, the judge
looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from
the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of
prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn't."
A blood clot is a mass of blood cells and blood components that form to stop the bleeding that occurs when a blood vessel is injured. When a blood vessel is broken, platelets in the blood become sticky and clump together at the site of the injury. They begin to form a mass to stop the flow of blood.
Clotting is the body's normal response to a bleeding injury. It is a necessary function to prevent a person from losing too much blood. Most blood clots dissolve back into the blood when the body has healed the vessel. Blood clots, however, can be potentially dangerous if they occur within healthy blood vessels, or if they do not dissolve when their work is done. A thrombus is a blood clot that forms along the wall of the heart or a blood vessel. This type of clot can slow blood flow, and if the clot becomes large enough, it may stop the flow of blood in the vessel. An embolus is a clot that forms in one area of the body, travels through the bloodstream, and lodges in another vessel in the body. Emboli are less common and more dangerous, because they can cause a sudden blockage in blood flow (embolism), which could be fatal. An embolism occurring in an artery will block blood flow to an organ or tissue, and could cause tissue damage or death.
An embolism in:
a cerebral (brain) artery can cause a stroke
a coronary artery can cause a heart attack
a pulmonary (lung) artery can cause shortness of breath or death
a retinal artery can cause sudden blindness in one eye
an artery supplying blood to a limb can cause tissue damage and possibly gangrene
any artery leading to an organ can cause loss of that organ's function
Causes & Symptoms
There are several factors that contribute to the formation of blood clots. Phlebitis is a condition that may increase abnormal blood clot formation. Blood diseases or other conditions—especially inflammation—that alter the quality of the blood can also affect clot formation. Plaque formation in the arteries (atherosclerosis) and damaged blood vessels both increase the chance of blood clots because they slow blood flow and provide a place for platelets to collect and form a clot. Genetic factors also play a role in tendency to form blood clots. Diet can have an effect on clot formation, as well. Cholesterol and saturated fats, which are also implicated in atherosclerosis, can contribute to clot formation. People whose diets are low in essential fatty acids, vegetables, and fish, and who do not take in proper amounts of nutrients and antioxidants are also at a higher risk for clots.
Conditions or body positions that slow blood circulation—extended bed rest or sitting in a car or airplane for long periods of time—may also cause blood clots to form; although one recent British study suggests that the risk of so-called "traveler's thrombosis" is not as great as has been thought. Blood clots can be caused by increased fibrinogen (a blood-clotting factor) due to estrogen in the late stages of pregnancy and from long-term use of birth control pills. Other factors include varicose veins, childbirth, sickle cell anemia, smoking, obesity, liver disease, and cardiovascular disorders.
There may be no obvious symptoms of a blood clot. When symptoms do occur, they often appear suddenly, and point to the location of the clot. Extreme dizziness that occurs without warning can indicate a clot in a cerebral artery. Sudden complete or partial blindness in one eye could indicate a clot within the retinal artery. A hard blue bulge in a vein, or unexpected pain in an arm or leg, along with numbness, weakness, or another sign that blood is not reaching the area, could indicate a blood clot. Blisters or ulcers on the skin may occur as well. A clot in an artery near a major organ like the heart or lung will produce pain or decreased activity in that organ. Gangrene (death of tissue) may occur if blood flow to a region is blocked for an extended period of time.
The patient will describe the severity and location of the pain he or she has been experiencing. A physician may also notice such physical signs of a blood clot as the swelling blue bulge, discoloration of a limb, or an ulcer. Medical personnel will also check for a missing or lowered pulse or blood pressure in a limb. A Doppler ultra-sound examination, angiography, or arteriography may be used to detect the location of the clot.
Nutritional therapy may include the following: vitamins B3 (niacin), B6, C, and E; fatty acid and garlic supplements; and the minerals zinc, magnesium, and manganese. Herbal remedies may include cayenne (Capsicum frutescens), other hot peppers, and gingko (Ginkgo biloba) to help reduce the protein fibrin, which is a necessary factor in blood clots. Bilberry (Vaccinium myrtillus), turmeric (Curcuma longa), and ginger (Zingiber officinale) help reduce platelets' stickiness, which is essential for clot formation. Onion (Allium sepa) and garlic (A. sativum) help reduce fibrin and platelet stickiness. Patients who are taking prescribed anticoagulant drugs should consult their doctors before starting vitamin, nutritional, or herbal therapies.
Hydrotherapy treatment for blood clots can include contrast applications. The patient alternates using hot and cold treatments on the body in the area of the clot to increase blood flow. A naturopath will recommend specific remedies based on the symptoms and personality of a particular patient. A remedy for blood clots may include Hamamelis. Massage can be helpful if blood clots are a result of poor circulation, although care should be taken if a person suffers from phlebitis, since a clot could mobilize and lodge elsewhere.
Anticoagulant (anticlotting) drugs are usually prescribed for patients with blood clots. Streptokinase is a drug that will help dissolve clots that are already present in the body. Heparin inhibits platelet clumping, and can be prescribed after surgery, when blood is likely to clot. A new and promising treatment to prevent clot formation associated with septic shock is a recombinant form of activated human protein C, a natural anticoagulant. Doctors may prescribe aspirin for people who are at risk for having blood clots, although aspirin can injure the stomach lining. Patients may want to ask their doctors about what can be done to minimize damage from aspirin. Surgery is only recommended to remove blood clots that appear to be life-threatening or will cause tissue death if not removed.
If a clot goes undetected it is potentially dangerous, and could lead to a stroke, heart attack, or other serious complication. It is important to have any sudden unexplained pain or loss of function checked out by a doctor. If the blood flow to a limb is blocked for an extended period of time, gangrene may set in, and the limb may require amputation. Diet and exercise can help prevent future clots.
Some risk factors, such as genetically related diseases, cannot be minimized. But minimizing other risk factors will help prevent problems with blood clots. Quitting smoking, controlling obesity, and improving nutrition can help reduce the risk of problematic blood clotting.
A healthy diet with high-fiber, low-cholesterol foods and plenty of fruits and vegetables can help prevent blood clots and many of the conditions that can lead to blood clots, such as atherosclerosis. In addition, such foods as garlic, ginger, onions, and hot peppers can help reduce platelet stickiness and formation of clots. Fish oils and supplements that add nutrients to the diet are recommended as well.
Moderate exercise helps keep off extra weight and improves circulation, both of which help reduce risk factors for formation of blood clots. Exercise can also reduce the risk of blood clots in women who use birth control pills for long periods of time. Those who must sit for long periods of time—on an airplane, in a car, or at work—can help prevent blood clots by wearing loose clothing, walking, and stretching their legs whenever possible. Flexing and releasing the lower body muscles, even while sitting, can help improve circulation as well.
Blood clot diagram.
A thrombus, or blood clot, is the final product of the blood coagulation step in hemostasis. It is achieved via the aggregation of platelets that form a platelet plug, and the activation of the humoral coagulation system (i.e. clotting factors). A thrombus is physiologic in cases of injury, but pathologic in case of thrombosis.
Specifically, a thrombus is a blood clot in an intact blood vessel. A thrombus in a large blood vessel will decrease blood flow through that vessel. In a small blood vessel, blood flow may be completely cut-off resulting in death of tissue supplied by that vessel. If a thrombus dislodges and becomes free-floating, it is an embolus.
Some of the conditions which elevate risk of blood clots developing include atrial fibrillation (a form of cardiac arrhythmia), heart valve replacement, a recent heart attack, extended periods of inactivity (see deep venous thrombosis), and genetic or disease-related deficiencies in the blood's clotting abilities.
Preventing blood clots reduces the risk of stroke, heart attack and pulmonary embolism. Heparin and warfarin are often used to inhibit the formation and growth of existing blood clots, thereby allowing the body to shrink and dissolve the blood clots through normal methods (see anticoagulant).
A thrombus differs from a hematoma by:
The thrombus is INTRAVASCULAR, the hematoma is EXTRAVASCULAR
Having high hematocrit
Being soft and friable
Having an absence of circulation
Virchow's Triad describes the conditions necessary for thrombus formation:
Changes in vessel wall morphology (e.g. trauma, atheroma)
Changes in blood flow through the vessel (e.g. valvulitis, aneurysm)
Changes in blood composition (e.g. leukaemia, hypercoagulability disorders)
Disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC) involves widespread microthrombi formation throughout the majority of the blood vessels. This is due to excessive consumption of coagulation factors and fibrinolysis using all of the body's available platelets and clotting factors. The end result is ischaemic necrosis of the affected tissue/organs and spontaneous bleeding due to the lack of clotting factors. Causes are septicaemia, acute leukaemia, shock, snake bites or severe trauma. Treatment involves the use of fresh, frozen plasma to restore the level of clotting factors in the blood.
Warning: The reader of this article should exercise all precautionary measures while following instructions on the home remedies from this article.
In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf carrying two at-least-three-pound live lobsters, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season Closed!"
The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended." The Fisheries Officer says, " Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it's true." So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, "How about whistling?" The Newfie says " What For?" The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters"
The Newfie says, " What Lobsters?"
A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with, uh, you know, favors."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions," the priest replied. "If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a relief," the man said. He then added, "I have one more question."
"What is it, my son?" the priest asked.
The man answered, "She is pretty old now. Should I tell her the war is over?"
There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"
Chris: How was your trip to New York?
Brian: Well, a mugger stopped me and said, "Gimme your money, or I'll blow your brains out."
Chris: What did you do?
Brian: I told him to go ahead and shoot. He was so shocked, he ran away.
Chris: Wow! He told you to give him your money or he'd blow your brains out, and you told him to go ahead and shoot??
Brian: Yeah. You don't need brains to live in New York, but you can't get along without money.
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30 REAL FEELINGS OF GIRLS
1. When a girl says she's sad, but she isn't crying, it means she's crying in her heart.
2. When she ignores you after you've done something wrong, it's best to give her some time to cool down before touching her heart with an apology.
3. A girl can't find anything to hate about the guy she loves (which is why it is so hard for her to 'get over him' after the relationship's over.)
4. If a girl loves a guy, he will always be on her mind every minute of the day, even though she flirts with other guys.
5. When the guy she likes smiles and stares deep into her eyes, she will melt.
6. A girl likes to hear compliments, but usually not sure how to react to them.
7. When a particular guy flirts with a girl very often, a girl would start thinking the guy likes her. So if you treat a girl just as a friend, go easy on the smiles and stare ok?
8. If you don't like a girl who likes you, break it to her gently.
9. If a girl starts avoiding you after you reject her, leave her alone for a while. If you still treat her as a friend, talk to her.
10. Girls enjoy talking about what they feel. Music, poetry, drawings and writing are ways of expressing themselves (which explains why most girls like writing journals).
11. Never tell a girl that she is useless in anyway.
12. Being too serious can turn a girl off.
13. When the guy she likes calls her for the first time, the girl may act uninterested during the call. But as soon as the phone is back on the hook, she will whoop with joy and immediately start telephoning her friends to spread the news.
14. A smile means a lot to a girl.
15. If you like a girl, try making friends with her first. Let her get to know you.
16. If a girl says she can't go out with you because she has to study, leave.
17. But if she still calls you or expect a call from you, stay.
18. Don't try to guess a girl's feelings. Ask her.....
19. Hearing the words "I love you" is a great reassurance to a girl that she is beautiful.
20. After a girl falls in love with a guy, she'll wonder why she never noticed him before.
21. If you need tips on how to flirt with a girl, read romance stories.
22. When class pictures come out, a girl would first check who is standing next to her crush before actually looking at herself.
23. A girl's ex-crush will always be in her memory, but the guy she loves now stays in her heart.
24. Girls love having fun!
25 A simple 'Hi' can brighten a girl's day.
26. A girl's best friends usually know best what she is feeling and going through.
27. Girls hate it when a guy pays attention to them just to get close to their 'prettier' friend.
28. Love means devotion, caring and happiness to a girl, in that order.
29. Some girls care about looks, some care about brains, but ALL girls want a guy who will love and care for them.
30. Girls want nothing more than to feel loved.
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted his computer.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
People in the airline industry aren't all serious...
1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing,
please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. The doctors operated and informed him that all went well. However, he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Concerned that there was a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally mustered up the energy to pull his hospital gown down far enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the type that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:-
"Have a speedy recovery ... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Royal Beef Ribs
2 T instant minced onion
1 T (packed) brown sugar
1 t monosodium glutamate
1 T mustard seed
2 t paprika
1 t crushed oregano
1 t chili powder
1 t cracked peppercorns
½ t salt
1.2 t ground cloves
1 bay leaf
1 clove of garlic, minced
1 C catsup
½ C water
¼ C olive or salad oil
¼ C tarragon vinegar
2 T wine vinegar
2 T Worcestershire sauce
2 or 3 drops of liquid smoke
4 to 5 lbs. short ribs
Combine all ingredients except ribs in saucepan; stir well. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer for 20 to 25 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove bay leaf. Sprinkle ribs with additional salt; place, bone side down, on grill away from coals. Add dampened hickory chips to coals. Grill for 3 hours. Baste with sauce. Cook for 30 minutes longer, basting frequently.
Flemish Beef Stew
6 slices bacon
1 medium onion, sliced
2 lbs stew beef
Salt & pepper to taste
2 T flour
2 cans consommé
1 bay leaf
Pinch of thyme
Pinch of garlic salt
2 t vinegar
1 T sugar
Fry bacon in skillet until crisp; remove from skillet. Crumble into 2-quart casserole. Fry onion in bacon drippings until tender. Remove; place over bacon. Brown beef in remaining pan drippings; add salt and pepper. Sprinkle beef with flour; stir well. Remove from heat, add consommé gradually, stirring constantly. Pour beef mixture over onion; ad bay leaf, thyme, garlic salt, vinegar, and sugar. Cover. Bake at 325°F for 1 hour and 30 minutes.
Yield: 8 servings
1 1-lb boneless chuck steak, ½ inch thick
1 t unseasoned meat tenderizer
2 T salad oil
2 medium green peppers
2 T minced onion
1 clove of garlic, mashed
½ C diagonally sliced celery
½ C beef stock or consommé
1 t soy sauce
Salt & pepper to taste
Hot cooked rice
Cut steak into thin strips; sprinkle with meat tenderizer. Brown in oil in skillet. Cut green peppers into thin strips; add onion, garlic, green peppers and celery to steak. Sauté for about 2 minutes or until vegetables are partially tender. Combine cornstarch, beef stock and soy sauce; add to steak mixture. Cook, stirring, until liquid is slightly thickened and begins to simmer. Add salt and pepper. Serve immediately over rice.
Charcoaled Teriyaki Steak
1 2-lbs flank steak
½ C sugar
1 t sesame seed
Dash of salt
½ C soy sauce
1 t vinegar
1 t ginger
2 cloves of garlic, crushed
Trim steak, removing all fibers. Cut steak crosswise in medium thick slices. Mix sugar, sesame seed, salt, soy sauce, vinegar, ginger, and garlic to make marinade. Place steak in marinade; let stand for at least 2 hours. Drain steak. Grill over hot coals to desired doneness. Serve on toasted buns, if desired.
Yield: 8 servings
Stuffed Flank Steak
½ C chopped celery
½ T chopped parsley
1 T chopped onion
2 C bread crumbs
1 t savory seasoning
Salt & pepper to taste
1 1-1/2 lb flank steak
Melt ¼ C butter in skillet; add celery, parsley and onion. Cook, stirring, for about 4 minutes. Combine celery mixture, crumbs and seasonings; mix stuffing lightly. Spread over steak; roll, jelly roll fashion. Tie securely. Brown steak roll in 2 T butter in Dutch oven; slip rack under steak roll. Bake at 350°F for 1 hour and 30 minutes. Transfer steak roll to serving platter. Mix small amount of flour and water to make a paste; stir into pan drippings. Add enough water gradually to make gravy. Cook, stirring constantly, until thickened. Serve with steak roll.
Yield: 8 servings
Blue Cheese Steak
1 4-lb porterhouse steak
½ C corn oil
¼ C blue cheese
½ C lemon juice
1 T Worcestershire sauce
Score edge of fat side of steak; place in shallow pan.
Combine oil, blue cheese, lemon juice and Worcestershire sauce.
Beat well; pour over steak.
Drain steak; reserve marinade.
Place steak under broiler 6 inches from source of heat; broil 15 minutes on each side for rare or about 20 minutes on each side for well done.
Brush steak with marinade every 5 minutes during cooking time.
Yield: 6 servings
Easter Brunch Pizza
1 (16.3 ounce) tube of buttermilk biscuit dough
1 teaspoon of olive oil
1 tablespoon of chopped parsley
1 tablespoon of minced fresh garlic
1 1/2 cups shredded park skim mozzarella cheese
1/3 cup grated Parmesan
Topping for decorations (example: red, yellow, and green peppers, red onions and cooked breakfast sausage)
Remove the dough from the tube and separate it into biscuits. Pull apart each biscuit to make 2 thinner, even layers. Place all the dough pieces on an ungreased cookie sheet and flatten them gently, gradually molding them together to form a single egg shape.
Bake at 350° for 8 minutes, then remove the crust from the oven and let it cool.
Mix together the oil, parsley, and garlic in a small bowl. Brush this mixture over the cooled crust. Cover the crust evenly with the mozzarella, then sprinkle a layer of Parmesan on top.
Add toppings to create stripes, polka dots, and other accents so that the pizza looks like a decorated egg (a great job for kids). Return it to the oven until the cheese is melted, about 5 to 10 minutes. Serve warm.
Deviled Egg Boats
12 hard-boiled eggs
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
2 teaspoons vinegar (white or cider)
1/4 to 1/2 cup mayonnaise
2 red, orange, yellow, or green bell peppers
1. Peel the eggs, then slice each one in half to make boats. Place the yolks in a medium-sized bowl and mash them with a fork. Add the mustard and the vinegar, then add the mayonnaise, stirring until the consistency is smooth but not soupy.
2. Next, make the sails. To do this, cut each pepper into 1-inch-wide strips, then cut the strips into 1-inch squares and slice each square in half diagonally.
3. Fill the egg-white halves with the yolk mixture. Stick the sail upright into the filling and sprinkle with paprika. Makes two dozen.
5 Minute Peach Crisp
1 (29 oz.) can sliced peaches, drained
2 envelopes (1.6 oz.) cinnamon spice instant oatmeal
1/4 cup flour
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) margarine, melted
Place peaches in 1 1/2 quart greased baking dish or pan. Mix all the rest together and sprinkle on top of peaches. Bake at 425° for 15 minutes or until golden.
Lady D says: No instant oatmeal. Use regular oats but add some cinnamon & spices, (nutmeg, allspice yada yada)& of course some sugar. Use any kind of fruit canned or fresh.
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a General seated in the back.
The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a Corporal, says, "General Wheeler".
"I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The General said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The General repeated, "I’m telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
A man drove with his 12 year old son to the country one Saturday for his son's first deer hunt. The man intended to go to an old farmer who he had know when he was a boy and ask him permission to hunt on his land.
They arrived at the farm just after noon. The boy stayed in the car as the man went up to talk to the old farmer. The old farmer was happy to see the man and was happy to have him and his son hunt on his place.
The old farmer also asked the man to do him a favor. He explained that his mule, which was standing out in front of the house, was very old and would never make it through the coming winter. He asked the man if he would please shoot the mule for him, as he couldn't bear to do it himself. He said, just shoot him and I'll drag him off with the tractor later. "Sure," the man replied, "no problem."
As he walked back to the car the man decided to play a joke on his son. He got into the car with a disgusted look on his face, slammed the door and beat his fist on the steering wheel a couple of times. "I can't believe it, that old man has deer all over this place that he doesn't hunt and he won't allow us to hunt them either. We drove all this way for nothing. I'll show that old fool."
The man then grabbed his rifle, jumped out of the car, and shot the old mule dead. Just as he was turning to see his son's reaction he heard BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, from his son's side of the car.
His son yelled, "We showed him, Dad! You killed his mule, and I got his bull and two cows. Let's get out of here!"
Dust off your mops
Dust mops make it a breeze to get up the dust balls and pet hair around your home, but how do you get the stuff off your mop? Place a large paper bag over the mop head; use a piece of string or a rubber band to keep it from slipping off. Now give it several good shakes (a few gentle bumps wouldn't hurt either). Lay the mop on its side for a few minutes to let the dust in the bag settle. Then carefully remove
the bag for easy disposal of your dusty dirt.
Clean artificial flowers
Authentic silk flowers are actually pretty rare these days; most are now made of nylon or some other man-made material. But regardless of whether they're silk or something else, you can easily freshen them up by placing them in a paper bag with 1/4 cup salt. Give the bag a few gentle shakes, and your flowers will emerge as clean as the day you purchased them.
Carry your laundry
If your laundry basket is already overflowing, or (gasp!) the plastic handle suddenly gives out, you can always use a sturdy shopping bag to pick up the slack. A bag with handles will probably make the job easier, but any large bag will do in a pinch. Just be sure your laundry is completely dry before using the bag on the return trip.
Otherwise, your freshly cleaned clothes could wind up under your feet.
Cover your kids' textbooks
Helping your children make book covers for their textbooks isn't only fun, it's also a subtle way to teach kids to respect public property. And few materials rival a paper bag when it comes to making a rugged book cover. First, cut the bag along its seams to make it a flat, wide rectangle, then place the book in the center. Fold in the top and bottom edges so the bag is only slightly wider than the book's
height. Next, fold over the sides to form sleeves over the book covers. Cut off the excess, leaving a couple of inches on either side to slide over the front and back covers. Put a piece of masking tape on the top and bottom of each sleeve (over the paper, not the book) to keep it on tight, and you're done. Lastly, let your child put his or her personal design on each cover.
Create a table decoration
Use a small designer shopping bag with handles to make an attractive centerpiece for your dining room table or living room mantel. Fill a small cup with some water and place it in the middle of the bag. Place a few fresh-cut flowers in the glass, and presto! All done.
Make your own wrapping paper
Need to wrap a present in a hurry? You don't have to rush out to buy wrapping paper. Just cut a large paper bag along the seams until it's a flat rectangle. Position it so that any printing is facing up at you, put your gift on top and fold, cut, and tape the paper around your gift. If you wish, personalize your homemade wrapping paper by decorating it with markers, paint, or stickers.
Reuse as gift bags
What to do with those small gift bags with handles favored by most boutiques? Why not use them to package your own gifts? They're ideal for holding items such as bath supplies, jewelry, perfume, and even most books. Simply add some shredded crepe paper, a personalized card, and you're all set.
Recycle as towel or tissue dispensers
Add a simple but elegant touch to your guest bathrooms by using small "boutique bags" as paper towel or tissue dispensers. You can even embellish them with your own personal touches, such as ribbons or stickers that match your decor.
Reshape knits after washing
Put the shape back into your wool sweater or mittens by tracing the contours of the item on a paper bag before you wash it. Then use your outline to stretch the item back to its original shape after washing it.
Store linen sets
Have you ever emptied the contents of your linen closet looking for the flat sheet to match the fitted one you just pulled out? You can easily spare yourself some grief by using medium-sized paper bags to store your complete linen sets. Not only will your shelves be better organized, but you can also keep your linens smelling fresh by
placing a used fabric softener sheet in each bag.
Use as a pressing cloth
If your ironing board's cover appears to have seen its last steam iron, don't sweat it. You can easily make a temporary pressing cloth by splitting open one or two paper bags. Dampen the bags and lay them over your ironing board to get those last few shirts or skirts pressed for the workweek.
Pack your bags
Getting ready to leave on a family vacation? Don't forget to pack a few large shopping bags -- the kind with handles -- in your luggage. They're guaranteed to come in handy to bring home the souvenirs you pick up, or perhaps your soiled laundry or beach towels.
Bag your recycled newspapers
Double up on your recycling efforts by using large paper bags to hold your newspapers for collection. It not only spares you the time and effort needed to tie up your bundles with string, but it also makes it easier to sort out your magazines, newsprint, and glossy pages.
Many fruits -- including avocados, bananas, pears, peaches, and tomatoes -- will ripen better when placed in a paper bag. To hasten the ripening process of any fruit, place an already ripe apple or banana peel in the same bag and store it at room temperature. To ripen green bananas, wrap them in a damp dishtowel before placing them in the bag. Once your fruits have adequately ripened, you can halt the process by putting them in the refrigerator.
Some of the fruit from that bushel of peaches you just bought at the local farm stand are hard as rocks. Place the fruit with a few already ripe pieces or some ripe bananas in a plastic bag. The ripe fruit will help soften the others through the release of their natural gas. But don't leave them for more than a day or two or you'll have purple, moldy peaches.
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead. "Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
At the next bed the patient has his feet and hands strapped to the bed. he's biting hard on a wooden spoon and his eyes are bulging out of his head.
"Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH SHIT!" replied the nurse.
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, " And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.
The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he used these to polish his car with.
Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his secretary for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked: "By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?"
Why?" she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again."
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."
Sunday, March 23, 2008
George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each other for 2 years when they decided that life was too short and they might as well be together for the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans need to be made. Along their way, they found themselves in front of a drugstore.
George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go in. I have an idea." They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" asked George.
The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. How can I help you?"
George: "Do you sell heart medications?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
George: "How about support hose for circulation?"
George: "What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis and arthritis?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
George: "How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?"
Pharmacist: "Yes sir."
George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies and reading glasses?"
George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol, Preparation-H and ExLax?"
George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these questions?"
George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married and we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."
There is only one thing that will make our beloved country great again... men!
The biggest mistake mankind has ever made was to allow women to think. We at the Male Chauvinist Pig Party aim to right all the wrongs these inferior, weak, feeble women have inflicted onto our once great nation and put it back on course to become the great Britain it was, with real men at the helm and the women back at home, where
they belong, looking after the kids.
Why are our country's dole queues so long? There is one plain and simple explanation to this question... bloody women! As we have already stated, a woman's place is in the home, not taking away some poor blokes opportunity to earn a crust for his family.
Who do these females think they are? Get 'em back behind the kitchen sink I say! OK. Maybe we should allow them to do some minor little jobs, just to get 'em out of the house for an hour a day, after all, we need someone to clean all our offices and factories, don't we?
So, our policy on rectifying the unemployment problem is to give the jobs back to the men! Why is this country in such terrible debt? Because our darling wives and girlfriends can't stop spending our money, that's why! As soon as our backs are turned they're off, down to the shops to treat themselves to a new dress or some other unimportant item of clothing which will piled into their wardrobes.
Absolutely no concern for us hard working blokes who have just toiled all hours so we can enjoy a night out or two with the lads. But worst of all, they then complain that they have nothing to bloody wear! It's about time we put our foot down. We'll show 'em, by introducing a new legislation making it law that all our wages be direct debited to the local pub, therefore by-passing the grubby paws of our spendthrift women!
Our planet is in one hell of a poor state and the blame can be placed only on one thing... women! Take the ozone layer, gradually disappearing thanks to the female species use over CFC emitting hairsprays and deodorants. Then there is the wanton destruction of our wildlife. Whale's being butchered for their blubber and oils to be
used in cosmetics... used by women! The countless creatures hunted to the verge of extinction purely for their furs... worn by women! Yes, our poor planet is being slaughtered for one reason... woman's vanity! Well, we aim to stamp out this terrible misuse of our planet's resources by passing new laws allowing women to tart themselves up for their man only and not every Tom, Dick and Harry from the milkman to the window-cleaner!
Women Drivers? What can I say? The scourge of our highways. The curse of our transport problems. Let's face it fellas, women were not put on this planet to drive cars, they just haven't got a bloody clue! They potter about, strictly adhering to the speed limits, stopping at red lights, taking hours to park between cars etc. They litter the roads with their Mini Metros and Ford Fiestas generally getting in our way and slowing down our natural male pace.
No wonder the roads are so congested. We aim to make a few minor changes to the highway code making it impossible for women to learn to drive, i.e. It will be illegal to use cushions on drivers seats. Maybe that will encourage them to stick to using buses!
Men of this fair Isle, let us unite and put our women back in their place.
Vote for the male chauvinist pig party, let us stand erect once again, let us stand proud; let's ejaculate in the face of women and make Britain great once more!
A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is.
All he says is, "All lawyers are assholes."
A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
He replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,"When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing you say that."
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.
Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
'Do you realize what time it is?", she said. He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
"A round of drinks!"
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew.
The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde . "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what would you say?"
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.
"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.
"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.
"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.
"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."
The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."
The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."
"Well, now, that's a little more serious."
"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"
With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."
"Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture - no small feat for a non-plumber.
Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.
I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom.
I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working.
"Did you get the green one too?" he asked.
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A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner "UNBREAKABLE". However, it has no price marked.
"Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on this piece marked "unbreakable?"
"One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper.
Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high.
"Like the sign says, it's unbreakable!" To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable. The owner again assured him it was so. The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would not break.
The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he'd seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the "UNBREAKABLE" banner.
"Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!"
"No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, too." the storekeeper replied.
"How can you be so sure?" he demands.
"Because the schmuck who pays 100 bills for that thing is going to take as much care with *it* as you did with yours!"
A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested , "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously. Then said, "I am a lonely old lady without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chicken's, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
10. Shows up wearing the costume head and nothing else.
9. Reeks of tequila and Easter egg dye.
8. Immediately asks if he can have Easter off.
7. Refuses to hop because it aggravates his double hernia.
6. For an extra 20 bucks, parents can buy an ounce of his special "Easter grass".
5. Only gives the kids candy after they attend his presentation on the time-share condos.
4. Keeps muttering something about "infidels" and "jihad".
3. Costume is made from animal skin he scraped off the interstate.
2. Habitually licks and grooms himself.
1. The enormous ears? Steroids.
One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class enthralled. It was a brilliant lecture.
Suddenly, over his head a bright light flashed and an angel came down and approached the teacher.
She said, "You are doing such a good job teaching this class, I have decided to give you one wish. You can have infinite money, infinite wisdom, or infinite knowledge."
Thinking for a minute, he humbly asked for infinite wisdom. She tapped him with a magic wand and disappeared in a flash. The class came forward to hear the first words from a man with infinite wisdom.
He said, "It would of been wiser to take the money..."
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Thursday, March 20, 2008
1. I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall. Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to formulate an appropriate response to your request.
2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return on April 1st. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19
8. I've run away to join a different circus.
9. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Martha' instead of 'Martin'.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Computers are Like Men...
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Computers are Like Women...
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
As a senior at college, Steve would often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships.
Once, Shelly and Steve got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married.
To Steves surprise, Shelly agreed with him that men give up far more than women.
"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry..."
A young boy came to Sunday School late.
His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, "Yes he did, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.
A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male of female?"
"Would you like Black, or White?"
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused the man . . . and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"
Chased By The Cops
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles per hour when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she sped up.
When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles per hour.
The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and darted into the ladies' room.
Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing there waiting for her.
Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet not one of you thought I was going to make it."
A priest was preparing a man for his journey into the beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
A Mother's Vocabulary
Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care for dessert.
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Pow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.
Show-Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
Two Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words.
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Weekend: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.
Three older ladies were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know my son; he graduated first in his class from Stamford . He's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago ."
The second woman says, "You know my son; he graduated first in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles ."
The last woman says, "You know my son; he never did too well in school. He never went to any university, but he now makes 1 million dollars a year in New York working as a Sports Repairman."
The other two women ask, "What's a Sports Repairman?"
The woman replies, "He fixes hockey games, football games, baseball games..."
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden. The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"
The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!!"
My day began on a decidedly sour note when I saw my six-year-old wrestling with a limb of my azalea bush. By the time I got outside, he'd broken it. “Can I take this to school today?” he asked.
With a wave of my hand, I sent him on. I turned my back so he wouldn’t see the tears gathering in my eyes. I loved that azalea bush. I touched the broken limb as if to say silently, "I’m sorry."
I wished I could have said that to my husband earlier, but I’d been angry. The washing machine had leaked on my brand-new linoleum. If he’d just taken the time to fix it the night before instead of playing checkers with Jonathan. "What are his priorities anyway?" I wondered.
I was still mopping up the mess when Jonathan walked into the kitchen. “What’s for breakfast, Mom?” I opened the empty refrigerator. “Not cereal,” I said, watching the sides of his mouth drop. “How about toast and jelly?” I smeared the toast with jelly and set it in front of him. Why was I so angry? I tossed my husband’s dishes into the sudsy water.
It was days like this that made me want to quit. I just wanted to drive up to the mountains, hide in a crevice, and never come out.
Somehow I managed to lug the wet clothes to the laundromat. I spent most of the day washing and drying clothes and thinking how love had disappeared from my life. Staring at the graffiti on the walls, I felt as wrung-out as the clothes left in the washers.
As I finished hanging up the last of my husband’s shirts, I looked at the clock on the wall. It was 2:30 - I was late. Jonathan’s class let out at 2:15. I dumped my clothes in the back seat and hurriedly drove to the school.
I was out of breath by the time I knocked on the teacher’s door. I peered in through the glass. With one finger, she motioned for me to wait. She said something to Jonathan and handed him and two other children crayons and a sheet of paper.
What now? I thought, as she rustled through the door and took me aside. “I want to talk to you about Jonathan,” she said.
I prepared myself for the worst. Nothing would have surprised me. I had had a fight with my husband and we weren’t speaking, my son had broken a limb off my favorite bush, and now this.
“Did you know Jonathan brought flowers to school today?” she asked.
I nodded, trying to keep the hurt in my eyes from showing. I glanced at my son busily coloring a picture. His wavy hair was too long and flopped just beneath his brow. He brushed it away with the back of his hand. His eyes burst with blue as he admired his handiwork.
“Let me tell you about yesterday,” the teacher insisted. “See that little girl?”
I watched the bright-eyed child laugh and point to a colorful picture taped to the wall. I nodded.
“Well, yesterday she was almost hysterical. Her mother and father are going through a nasty divorce. She told me she didn’t want to live, she wished she could die. I watched that little girl bury her face in her hands and say loud enough for the class to hear, ‘Nobody loves me.’ I did all I could to console her, but it only seemed to make matters worse.”
“I thought you wanted to talk to me about Jonathan,” I said.
“I do,” she said, touching the sleeve of my blouse. “Today your son walked straight over to that child. I watched him hand her some pretty pink flowers and whisper, ‘I love you'.”
I felt my heart swell with pride for what my son did. I smiled at the teacher, “Thank you,” I said, reaching for Jonathan’s hand, “you’ve made my day.”
Later that evening, I began pulling weeds from around my lopsided azalea bush. As my mind wandered back to the love Jonathan showed the little girl, a biblical verse came to me: “…now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” My son had put love into practice. But all day I had only thought of how angry I was with my husband.
I heard the familiar squeak of my husband’s truck brakes as he pulled into the drive. I snapped a small limb bristling with hot pink azaleas off the bush. I felt the seed of love that God planted in my family beginning to bloom once again in me.
My husband’s eyes widened in surprise as I handed him the flowers. “I love you,” I said.